I haven't read it, but I read one that was more oriented towards women (how to be attractive AND assertive) and it helped me a lot with understanding what I project as a woman.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Well, no time like the present to put myself to the test-
W got home @ 5:30 from concert. She has v'ball game at 7:30. When she got home, she was drunk. Wasted. I was laying on floor playing with kids and she came in and stuck her tongue down my throat and told me to come tuck her in. She said how drunk she was and how much she missed me. I followed her to the bedroom and she laid down and told me to wake her in an hour. Then she grabbed my belt and started undoing it and told me she was sooo horny. We haven't ml in two months mind you. Without going into too much detail, I let her service me and she said it was her turn and she wanted to.....I said you need some rest if you're going to coach tonight and if you're that horny now, maybe you'll be that horny when you sober up. I don't have any interest in just f****** my wife again. Been there, done that. I left the room and closed the door. I woke her up in an hour and of course, she didn't move. Here's where I really messed up, I KNOW. I woke her up one more time and told her that was it, I wasn't trying again. She got up and brushed her teeth and off she went. I should have let her sleep and miss the game. On the other hand, maybe someone will notice she is still drunk and she will have to answer for her actions. I really do hope someone says something. This is a big step for me. I miss ml but it hasn't made things better before. It's time to be a big boy now. I know I didn't handle it exactly like Sandi and others would have liked but it was a step for me in the right direction.
I understand that not being there for her and not being her babysitter does not mean I am not still there for the kids. It means she has to choose what is more important to her.
It's slowly sinking in. I am mad but in control, not terrified of what she may say or do. It's a better place to be.
Nothing new here. W has been in OK mood since above incident. I don't know if anyone noticed she was drunk or not, I didn't ask.
I wish spring would get here for good! The kids and I have been staying outside way too late in the evening after work. It's then a rush to get homework done but God it feels good!
I think I get stronger every day. I want my wife back, not the person that she is now. I am a different person and continue to try to learn and become a better person. It's a shame that it had to come to this for me to realize I needed to change. I will be better no matter what.
Still trying to detach, but am making great progress on that front. I do find myself mindreading and wondering about what she is thinking, etc. Not like before.
I miss her! I can control only myself. If she wants to try, great. If not, I will be OK.
I am a different person and continue to try to learn and become a better person. It's a shame that it had to come to this for me to realize I needed to change.
I feel the same way IDU.
I'm enjoying spring as well. Thank goodness for something to lighten the mood!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
We haven't ml in two months mind you. Without going into too much detail, I let her service me and she said it was her turn and she wanted to.....I said you need some rest if you're going to coach tonight and if you're that horny now, maybe you'll be that horny when you sober up. I don't have any interest in just f****** my wife again.
Maybe I'm not seeing this the way you do, but my suggestion is that next time.....you don't allow her to "service you" first. You had your needs met and then refused her? Did you think you were showing strenth & honor when you said you didn't have any interest in just f****** your W again? Why didn't you stop her BEFORE she serviced you? It just made you look like a selfish, immature jerk to get off and then tell her you didn't want her.
Don't misunderstand me. It nearly turned my stomach to visualize how disgusting she must have appeared, but if she was good enough to ......well, you know.....then she must not have been too disgusting for you to do the rest. You did not "teach" her anything the way you went about it. It was like letting the horse out after the barn burned.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi raises a good point. Do you think if the roles were reversed and YOU were in the EA that your wife would have let you come anywhere near her, let alone "service" her? She would be sending a powerful message that the situation is unacceptable and you can't buy her off with sex.
I think you gave her the message that she can have you whenever she wants. As a man, I completely understand how unbelievably tempting that situation was, and I'm not sure I could have resisted that temptation either. But sometimes sending a message requires a lot of sacrifice on our part.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
No-no, neither of you seem to see this. He thought he was giving her that message by not ML to "her".......but it was after she gave him oral sex. That doesn't work. It is selfish and certainly sound like an a$$. He should not have let her satisfy him and then tell her he wasn't going to do her. He should have left all of it alone. Why is that so hard to see? Sure, he could be "strong" after his urges were taken care of.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with sandi's point. You don't need to give your W reasons to think you're an [censored].
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
huh? I think idontunderstand learned something very valuable from the above incident (should have?).
His wife is going out till god knows what hour with these guys from work/school, "the super," and she is intoxicated and she gets horny when drunk and she is the one unbuckling the belt .... idontunderstand just happened to be the one who got the blow job tuesday afternoon. I doubt this was the first time she was drunk and horny in the past 2 months.
what time did she get home from volleyball? she must not be that serious about the game if she is drinking before hand does "the super" participate in this event?
Sandi, I value your input and perspective on all things in my sitch. Believe me, I am sure I should have been the good guy and not have had anything to do with her. She was drunk and it made me mad. I have never been drunk in front of the kids, ever. She was gone for two days and told the kids she would be home by the time they got home from school. The asked several times when she would be back. When she did come home like that, the last thing I thought was that she would be horny and throw herself at me like some whore. That is what I thought, whore. Don't get me wrong, I love unbridled passion and married people don't have to "make love" every time they have sex. She caught me off guard with the whole thing. I'm not proud of myself, but I didn't cry and tell her how much I missed her and how much I missed us and all the crap I have done in the past when she showed some interest in having sex.
Anyway, the last week had been OK. She did initiate kisses good-bye and good-night pretty much every day. Had a good week end at home with the kids and she was in a good mood. She grilled some steaks Sat. nite and I made sure to tell her how good they were and that it was better than anything I could have made. All in all, a good week.
Then this morning: We got up and I got in the shower and she went in kitchen to make breakfast. When I got out and went in kitchen, all the kids were up and eating. She had made eggs and waffles. She asked if I was going to eat. I could tell by the tone of her voice that the alien was back. I said sure, it smells good, and walked over to the stove. The eggs were gone. I looked on the counter, nothing there either. She said she didn't make me anything because I don't always eat breakfast. I said that's fine, I'll make some eggs myself. She told me to eat her eggs, she wasn't hungry. No, I don't want them, back and forth....you get the idea. I did not make a big deal out of it, helped the kids get ready and stayed in a good mood. She didn't talk much the rest of the morning, gave me a kiss when I left for work.
SM, yes, the super is there. The last two months, she has came home right after the board meetings, and hasn't went out at all other than Tues. However, yesterday she said they have a meeting tonight that she "forgot" about. It's about an hour away and they are leaving school at 4:30. I didn't ask anytthing about it: who she was riding with, how late she would be, nothing. I don't think I reacted at all. Before I left this morning, she said who would be watching the kids tonite. I told her, OK and off I went. Just carried on as if she told me she was getting her hair done. At least, that's how I tried to act, and I think I did a good job. And really, I don't care too much anymore. I'm changing for me, right? Like I said, she hasn't gone out latley and that's a good thing. But the roller coaster is still there. I'm not reacting to her moods, just going with the flow and still feeling my way.
