OP didn't mean you were trying to control him...it's just that when it comes to your asking him to not have the children around the OW, don't expect him to do what you're asking, as they say one thing, then do another. Whatever you want is NOT what your MLC'er is going to want...so they do the opposite, no matter WHO it hurts.
It's not wrong to protect your children, but don't expect him to SHARE that protection...does this make better sense? You're asking him to do something he might NOT do; because of the place he is in.
He will do what he has to do when he thinks he has to do it..regardless of WHO it hurts; even if it IS the children.
They are ALL over the map; uncaring, unfeeling..it is all a part of what your husband is going through.
Your husband is not going to relate what he experienced in childhood to his own children; this is about HIM; not you or the children...he is not the man you knew; and in some ways you're STILL seeing him as that. It's hard to get out that mindset; I had been there for awhile, before I learned....That's why detaching is SO important, so you can clearly see where and what he has become at this moment in time.
It takes time to revise your thinking to understand that the MLC Alienship has got him for now.
It's not wrong to protect your children, but don't use them to "control" what he does, as in expecting him to care if he hurts them by exposing them to OW. Because he DOESN'T care at this point. That's what OP is trying to get across to you.
Does this help?
OP and I are not trying to hurt you, we're trying to help you, and the truth, though it hurts is important for you to know and understand.
You have to decide what's best for your children, at this point, you are definitely in this alone; as your husband is in MLC, and of no help to you at this point.
You continue to be in my prayers for the Lord to move in this situation. He does allow things to happen that we don't understand; most of the time it is not for our understanding, but for our growth..we'll understand later on.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thank you. I understand now. I think that word Control just made me think that I was being controlling of his life and I have really stepped away. I understand your points though.
I will NOT even bring this up then? It's best I just let him make his own decisions and deal with it if he does or does not bring them around the Other Women in his life...
To this day I still have issues with my own mother who introduced me to her then boyfriend she left my father for and I was 5 and my sister was 7. I am almost 40 and still remember it like it was yesterday. My Father, however, only allowed us to meet my now stepparent after 2 years of seeing her and he knew he would marry her before he introduced us to her, I was then 7 and my sister 9.
I have been there. So has he.... His mother married 5 times and he had 6 Dads by the time he was a teenager... frown
Maybe you could mention this calmly, both of your histories, to H when he is in as reasonable a mood as possible and he will possibly hear you. Make him aware that it is NOT about you thinking you have any sway about whether he dates or not but about HOW MANY PEOPLE are dragged through the children's lives. I don't think it would hurt to bring up that the point was also made in the divorce class you took.
Why not bring it up tactfully? Of course he probably won't listen, but what if he might? I don't know that bringing it up would necessarily make him rush out and find a woman with kids for a play date.
It's called a babysitter. When you date, hire one.
I don't know what you mean to use them to control him? I have not been controlling since he left us in Dec, I have only been respectful and understanding...when I should be a raging lunatic of a wife... !!! But I am not...
I think OldPilot is referring to this:
Originally Posted By: Round2
That, however, does not mean I am o.k. with him bringing other woman around my children. As close as we were as a family and inseparable as we were, my children are too young and they would not understand this.
While I understand your feelings, this is not something you control. You can set clear boundaries and enforce them, but you cannot make him do anything, even if it's for the benefit of the kids. He is free to develop his own crappy relationship with them.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
It's not wrong to protect your children, but don't use them to "control" what he does, as in expecting him to care if he hurts them by exposing them to OW. Because he DOESN'T care at this point. That's what OP is trying to get across to you.
...or, you can listen to HB.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
TrentC made an interesting point, so did RR22; and they are both giving sound advice.
Hope all is well with you, tonight...I've had a rough day today; posted to CW's thread about that.
Otherwise, all is well with me, I reckon.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
H called just now, said he paid a paralegal $750.00 to get the D done and over with. Only takes 1-2 weeks here in our State. :o(
I am devastated by this, I knew it was coming but still, when you hear this it feels like a semi truck has just run over you.
He sounded so happy about it all...very upbeat. Guess cause his boss is in town and all is well today this makes his entire life Good.!
He says to me I know this isn't what you want, but I want you to know I still consider you my Best Friend....
I said, I will do this for you XXXX as I know its what you want, I do not want this divorce. and as I began to cry I said I have to go now and I hung up...
He said he wouldn't fight me on anything, getting full custody of the kids, moving back to California with them, any of it...
All I can say is I am sorry. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
