8 weeks until D Day!!

[flowmom]

Lea, I know that I'll find about about an A any day now and I know how much it will suck. Hugs to you. It's all so hurtful. "Living well is the best revenge". <-- easy to say, hard to do. But we owe it to ourselves.

[lea74]

Hi, thank you both for your input. I know no pity-parties allowed - was just having a low day.

I havent responded to any emails or texts. I have to send an email re maintenance but have decided to let my L do that. I dont have the energy for it at the moment and also dont feel like corresponding.

As for casual dating - have never been on a date so wouldnt know where to start. Might consider it in a few weeks, would prefer it to be after the D is final though - otherwise I feel I might be stooping to his level. However, wouldnt mind someone buying me a drink - never had that happend before other than in a work context.

Lets see what the future holds.

[lea74]

I still dont have any solid proof - but it is very evident. You dont spend all your time with OW if she is not part of your life. You dont invite her to your children's events or allow her to drive your car like it is hers. You dont dash off to help her when her house has flooded. You dont see her everyday since you left your own home.

Give me a break - regardless it is at the very least an EA.

Yes it does suck and I just know by the sick feeling in the stomach since Sat nite that this is an A.

I have been trying to fool myself that it wasnt - even defended him. But they say your instinct kicks in and it has!!!

[lea74]

G, I wanted to tell about a little incident with my sons. My S10 is going on his first school trip tomorrow. He will be away for 2 nites. My S7 gave him all his pocketmoney, not much, but without hestitation gave it all to my S10 to take with him and spend.

It was such a lovely thing to do. My S7 didnt want me to tell S10 as it was a surprise - I told him by mistake. I guess because I was so pleased and impressed by what he had done.

Make me feel good to know that I am at least doing something right if I have such a sweet little boy.

[lea74]

In the email my H sent me he mentioned that my S10 has asked him a request and that he would consider it. He didnt mention what the request was, however I know what it is as my S10 told me. (We have a really close relationship and he trusts me alot.)

The request was that my H not have the OW around the next time my sons stay with him. I cant believe my H has to consider this. Surely if you son asks you this you do something about it. Honestly, I had nothing to do with it at all. Apparently it is effecting him again at school as they found him under the coats at lunch time yesterday. He mentioned to his teacher that something had happened on the weekend but he didnt want to talk about it. My guess, it that my S17 had asked my H not to bring her to the football tournament and he did. My S10 saw how much this upset my S7.

This is so frustrating dealing with such a selfish person who is clearly only thinking of himself.

My S7 says that his dad and OW has ruined his life!!!!

[flowmom]

Lea, as a parent you have to focus on what you can do here.

- support your boys in communicating with your H

- communicate to your H on behalf of your S (by their request)

- making it clear that you can listen to your S's feelings and experiences without bringing your own stuff into it

- facilitating a therapeutic R between your S and a professional

It totally sucks that your H is being so insensitive. But it seems to be part of the really crummy parcel that you have been dealt with.

Draw yourself up and be the best mother that you can be. Your confidence, warmth, dignity, and strength can make a huge difference for your boys. Make it OK for yourself and make it OK for them by how to you frame it and the tools that you give them.

Read some of Kalni's posts in my thread where she's written about what she's learned about how her setting the tone and failing to set the tone has affected her children through the tough times. She has some very wise words.

You can do this!

[lea74]

With regards to exposing an A - should I contact my H's mom. She lives in another country so does not see what goes on and the last time we talked she wasnt entirely sure what his reasons were for leaving.

We used to be really close but have become distant recently. I am sure she has her suspiscions though. My H really cares about what his folks thinks and I know that she despises A. I know she considers me a daughter and I think she deserves to know the truth.

Any thoughts??

[flowmom]

I don't know about that Lea...sorry.

[goldfiber]

Lea, tell the MIL, she deserves to know. I would tell her only the facts as you know them and allow her to fill any gaps on her own or through questioning her son. As usual expect the blowback from H, as he will be ashamed from the heat he will get from mom.

Its difficult to be or see the positive, but at least your H considered your son request. My guess he wants to discuss it with the OW first, trying to soften the blow for her, cause I'm sure she will not be pleased the son doesn't want her around.

DO ALL YOU CAN to protect and encourage your sons to be as positive as possible in a bad situation. They will respond to you emotionally, as all they want to do is protect you.

[lea74]

Thanks G again for fantastic advise.

((( ))))

p.s. Are you on the alt??