My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[rr22]

Good luck! The H sounds so STUCK that I can't imagine what they will suggest.

[lolawar]

Good luck with the coach. Your H needs to make some grown up decisions. We all know that he suffers from depression and some other kind of mood/personality disorder..but does he truly know this? If he doesn't, he will not seek help. Sometimes that takes hitting rock bottom.

My H has had the same moodiness/depression since he was a teenager...he never grew out of it or got any help for it..Now he is 38 years old and behaving like he did as a teenager..only worse. He still is looking for other people to blame for the way he is feeling. People that feel like this lash out at everyone around them.

I have a very close friend that suffers from depression..for years. it is interesting to witness her relationship with her H. Her H is wonderful..makes her breakfast every morning..coffee..cleans..laundry etc etc. She will always find something to complain about. She has only been married 1 1/2 years and has kicked her H out 3 times and is in MC since the 1 year mark. She is not capable of seeing the good in anything...no matter what her H does...it is not good enough..and will most likely never be good enough. At some level she realizes this..but she cannot help herself. She has been on and off medication for quite some time. Her H is in a lose/lose situation. He treats her great- she complains..he treats her bad- she complains. It doesn't matter..she is MISERABLE.

I had mentioned to my other friend that I would hate to be her H..she said to me..."you are married to 'our friend'". I never really equated my H to my friend..but it is so true. You can be perfect..and you will never be perfect. They need to figure this out on their own.

My H has fought this for years. He always tried to control his depression/moodiness with exercise and alcohol. I would only see the nasty H about 10% of the time. I think with the stress of his job..he just lost it. Nastiness became the 90%. He can't exercise like he needs to and he is drinking way too much alcohol each night. He is completely opposed to medication. They need to figure it out on their own. Painful to watch...absolutely. But as I said to you before..you are Charlie Brown's teacher....wahh wahhh wahhh. They don't hear you..their pain is real to them. As hard as it is...you need to worry about yourself right now..you need to take care of yourself and let him figure things out.

[nicole8]

ok, I broke down and called my H. I don't want him to think I am totally ignoring him. When I spoke to a DB coach last month he said to call every 2-3 days. So I made sure to call when he was at work though and I knew he wouldn't answer.... Well after work he called 4 times and then sent a text because I didn't answer that said "just returning your call". This makes me laugh so hard. I called back and he answered immediately. SO FUNNY!!! Then after talking for about 8-10 minutes I said "ok, I'm going to go".

[nicole8]

I just spoke with Chuck....he is so great. Really understands the situation I am in and gave me great advice. He suggested that when/if my husband comes back I have some boundaries in place. In the past I have let my H come back with really no consequences. So the H knows he can come back whenever he wants I am always there waiting. He also agreed that my H is in a really confusing place right now where he doesn't know what he wants to do and he is most likely self medicating by seeing the OW. It is an escape. He also made me feel great that this really isn't about me....I already sort of knew this. He made sure to tell me that I am taking care of myself, which I am.

He said that a letter given to my husband when he returns would be a great way to express these boundaries. A written letter given to him will be easier for me. Something spoken will not come out the way that I really intend it too and I wouldn't remember everything. I think something in writting will let my H know that I am serious about what I am saying and that this is for my own self respect. Plain and simple. The boundaries are going to be that he and I will not share a bed. He needs to stop communicating with the other woman.... We cannot ignore what has happened and just go back to "normal". He and I need to have a minimum of 5 counseling sessions with a MC.

The letter will probably take a bit for me to write so I had better get going. He also suggested that I look into the divorce process in WA. Not that he wants us to end up D, but so that the process and timeline are understood. I told him I had thought of leaving some of the information about D out so my H might see it if he stopped by. Chuck said this might not be a bad idea because it might get the H thinking, "Hey she wasn't suppose to give up". Up until this point my H has thrown around thd D word and I have told him that I don't want a D or I have told him that if that is what he wants then he should file. He I believe is waiting for me to file so that I look like the bad person. Oh, really who knows what the heck he is thinking. His perspective of pretty much everything is so weird at this time I don't know what to think.

Chuck said that what I have been doing up until now is great. I am going to continue to be dim/dark and see what happens. This isn't a fast process and I am going to have to use my patience. Which I have very little of. I am a very impatient person.

[awest1217]

I know with my H, when I said I was going to go see a lawyer is when he finally changed his actions (came home, but it was unexpected so I didn't have boundaries ready or willing to stick to them, and so it ended up failing and he moved out on his own again). However, he did start paying child support then and since has been adament that he does not want a divorce.

H seeing you looking into a D may bring him back to his senses a bit. I don't know if he will stop what he is doing, but it will make him think more about what he wants.

On the patience, I think that is the hardest part of this whole process. I am also impatient so sitting and waiting for him to call was hard at first. It gets easier, and you have ups and downs, but I think the best thing I have learned is patience.

[rr22]

All that sounds like a reasonable plan that takes your needs and your future into account. Good luck to you. I'll be curious to see how things go. Sounds like you are more patient than you think!

[nicole8]

I just was telling my friend that maybe I am more patient than I think.... My H is obviously in some sort of depressive crisis or whatever you want to call it. I am going to stay pretty "dark/dim". That seems to really get his attention and he wonders what I am doing. I am also going to work on my thoughts in a letter to him should he return home. No guarantee that he will, but I need to work on the letter. I need to have a clear understanding of what I expect and to be clear to him that he needs to "win" me back and that actions speak louder than words do.

We'll see. I have a feeling the letter is going to be a little bit of a process and take a bit to write.

[rr22]

That's good about the letter taking time. It will give you some time to clarify for yourself what your needs and expectations are while having your dim days or weeks.

[nicole8]

I didn't work on the letter yesterday...I'm just tired and didn't really feel like it. Truthfully I am getting really annoyed with this whole situation.

I'm pretty positive that my H is still carrying on the EA. It really is like some sort of an addiction.. or a "high". she leaves for the other side of the country in two months, what is he going to do then? Talk on the phone all night with her like he is in high school again? Maybe I am crazy but I am pretty sure she is going to tire of his neediness pretty quickly, and her school is going to be really tough. Sooo that doesn't leave much time for him. Darn that upsets me. Total sarcasim.

Ok, enough of the venting about the EA aspect of this now crazy life of mine. I decided late last night to text the H (I know this is bad and is pursuing)... I texted the same thing he did to me the other day, "are we ever going to speak again?" He responded back rather quickly, "up to you".... Ok, I don't want to read to much into this but we texted back and forth a little bit and then finally we said good night. The outcome of the whole "conversation" is that he feels he has tried to open himself up to me and I have avoided it every time. He said he wasn't blaming me though. Ok, that is confusing. It is also really hard to talk with someone when you ask them if something is wrong and they say "nothing".

Anyway, I would not necessarily disagree with this feeling of his. I am definately a person who has trouble expressing feelings and talking about other peoples feelings. This is where I really messed up on validating how he was feeling about multiple things in his life. I always try to make things seem better than they are and point out all of the great things that we do have in our lives. I now know that as common sense as this seems to me, this DID NOT help him in an way. I was essentially telling him that his feelings were wrong and that he is crazy. Which he isn't, he has true feelings and I can't change the way he is feeling about something. I needed to validate how he was feeling.

A question I have for anyone willing to offer advice is: How do you work on talking with someone when they totally have a wall up and they complain that you talk about boring stuff?

I need a way to break through the sheet of ice and I'm not sure I can do it with the EA happening. And wouldn't this then be pursing which goes against DB?

What do I do?

[nicole8]

More of what I am saying above is that I feel like in order to connect with my husband I need to talk to him about "us" as he says...which goes against DB and avoiding all talk about the relationship.

When I have seen him the last couple of times he has been upset that I avoid the relationship talk about "us". This is what upsets him and his reason for being unhappy in the relationship. My acting "as if" per DB doesn't jive with him. it just adds fuel to the fire on why he is upset.

Does that make sense?