meghunny, only YOU know when you're done. I've thought about giving up a million times, only to be hit by a second, third, and fourth wind. Sometimes you need a break from the pain... that's what GAL is for.
Some people will tell you to give up, but I won't. And maybe I'm the one on the wrong side. Only you know for sure. But I believe that marriage is forever, my vows are forever, despite what others are telling me right now. I'm doing the same thing the Ex is: surrounding myself with people who support my decisions, and ignoring the ones who don't. Because it's MY choice. And it's YOUR choice. You get to decide whether you are going to ride out this storm or not. It's possible, but it's going to take TIME. And with your own deployment clock ticking, you're not seeing that bigger picture.
Let me put it like this: you already said you don't like who your ex is turning into. He didn't get that way overnight. He's going to do a lot more things that are going to make you completely furious. But, if you're staying in this, you're going to have to forgive him for those things or you'll have a half-relationship instead of a real, deep, meaningful one. If you get to the point where you know you'll never forgive him for X, Y, or Z, you're at the point you know it's done. I've been asked to forgive some pretty dispicable things lately, but I've done some things I'm definitely not proud of too - neither of us are perfect. So I'm still traveling that path of forgiveness, but I'm not going to keep being a doormat or an enabler.
The reason I mentioned the cruise is because, by being home when he gets back, you are giving him POWER over you, in your current emotional state. He knows which buttons to press, you still want to be completely honest with him - you want him to KNOW that he hurt you. He's found a way to block that pain out of his head, though, so repeating those thoughts are going to do no good. I think being away would be just the radical change in behavior that says to him that you don't depend on him to have a good time, you're going to be okay with or without him (though it would be nice if he were with you), and you're going to get through this on YOUR terms rather than his. Again, the choice is yours.
What you said to him... ugh, we all wish we had time machines sometimes, don't we? But it's not a total loss, just avoid conversations like that in the future. You're only giving him POWER over you. I'm glad your DR is helping you get some sleep because sleep deprivation only adds to depression when you're already in it. Once you start eating and sleeping well, life gets easier, I promise.
And, one more fact for you to chew on: It takes about 3 years fully recover from a divorce, which is probably why it takes so long to DB in some cases. You have to go through your stages and H has to go through his, so you can both come out the other side healed and whole.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
hmm... my H apologized to me today for everything... and wished me a happy birthday tomorrow... what more could i say than just "yup"...sorry my ass! Now i find out that his cousin, who he is VERY close to is going thru this with her new H, she told me she plans on drilling my H when he comes home to visit in a couple weeks cause she knows how I feel and that she knows that he will not find anyone better... could be helpful as him and her are very very close and he would listen to her, prob wont change his mind at all, but I am hoping that some of his family expresses their disappointment in him when he goes home. Even if it just makes me feel guilty enough to think about it for even just a minute... I heard a term today that I really HATE that I am going to be.... A STARTER WIFE! ewwwwww!! I do not want to be anyones starter wife! My H has been telling EVERYONE that he is "going thru a divorce" he just brings it up to people like its just no big deal... I almost feel like he is bragging about it to people....its just sickening.... and devastating! since when did the person I married not take marriage seriously?
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
Meg, I know how you feel, my wife has been telling everyone that we are going through a divorce. She "lost" her engagement ring. And yes I wonder the same thing, when did she not take our vows and marriage seriously? I know it didn't happen over night for her but it still comes as a punch to the gut and a slap to the face.
Just keep your head up, start GALing, try and stay positive. It is hard. i'm still struggling. Honestly if you can find a C to go to it will help. I am glad that I found one.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Yeah, well I have been going to counseling but it doesnt help really that EVERYONE i talk to, including the 3 different counselors have said things to me like you really just have to wait and see how he is when he comes home... it could be a whole different story...ok I held on to that hope for almost what 6 weeks now? Not getting any better, he is only making further steps out the door. And I am certain that he is just trying to play nice right now so this doesnt turn ugly but has NO intentions of EVER changing his mind... how do i sit in the same house as him?? maybe even sleep in the same bed?? I think I will ask him to take the couch. It is my bed anyways, and something he said i could take with me as a result of this divorce, all he wanted were the couches and the TV, so go for it, have your lovely couches. Man, life sucks! he sucks! and being here in Turkey sucks! I dont want to go home either though, to my parents, because they live where we got married and i just dont want all the freakin reminders all around me.
Aces, my H was telling me he couldnt wear his wedding ring cause he was losing so much weight over in Iraq, and I believed him at first...not too sure anymore! I really wonder if any of this has to do with his weight loss, he went over there weighing almost 230 lbs... he is 5'11.... and it was not muscle.... and then lost a ton of weight and is now in his ideal weight bracket for his height.... prob thinks he is hot stuff now and heard a lot of compliments... who was with him when he wasnt all skinny???? ME! I want to try to drag this D out, or ask him to wait to file for a several months, because I am going to lose all of my health benefits and that would include me being able to continue to seek counseling, I have to move and will have no job and when the D is final, i will have nothing... i want to contest it just to drag it out but not sure if thats a good idea?
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
When you see him in a few days, if he pushes D talk, you do not have to agree to any terms or even discuss any terms at such an early stage even though he may try to pressure you. Tell him simply that this is going to take awhile for you to digest and you will be discussing it with the appropriate people in the next month and thinking about things. You don't owe him anything more.
I wouldn't even bring up health benefits and all that now. Just don't assist in speeding up the filing on your end in any way.
Have him sleep on couch if you are more comfortable. No, he no longer has the "right" to be in your bed.
This sounds like a hurtful situation all around. I think after a few night's sleep, you will be able to deal with it better than you think but that it will still be hard.
I'm sorry you are going through all this right now.
I don't like the term starter wife either. I agree with rr above. Tell him you need some time and ask him to respect that you're not anxious to jump right on in and start dividing your assets.
How do you act when you're in the same house? Entertain yourself, keep yourself happy, take what he has to give - and leave the rest.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
guys.... im terrified... he will be home tomorrow.... not sure how to act.... trying to detach, but thats hard to do knowing i am about to see him again for the first time in 7 months tomorrow... i am hoping he looks really ugly to me or something, not likely though lol.... man im nervous!!!!!!!!
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
If anything, i know this is going to be impossible but act calm. Start cleaning your house top to bottom to get your mind off of things. Just try and be calm. I don't know which thread it is but they say when you start to focus on your sitch visualize a huge STOP sign and say STOP! I didn't think it would work but it has so far. Know that we are here praying for you also.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Aces, my H was telling me he couldnt wear his wedding ring cause he was losing so much weight over in Iraq, and I believed him at first...not too sure anymore! I really wonder if any of this has to do with his weight loss, he went over there weighing almost 230 lbs... he is 5'11.... and it was not muscle.... and then lost a ton of weight and is now in his ideal weight bracket for his height.... prob thinks he is hot stuff now and heard a lot of compliments... who was with him when he wasnt all skinny???? ME! I want to try to drag this D out, or ask him to wait to file for a several months, because I am going to lose all of my health benefits and that would include me being able to continue to seek counseling, I have to move and will have no job and when the D is final, i will have nothing... i want to contest it just to drag it out but not sure if thats a good idea?
Meg, I never wore my wedding ring on my finger overseas, I always wore in on my ID tags around my neck or through my belt loop and then it was in my pocket all the time. I'm sure he things he is hot shite but don't worry about him. Drag out the D. Tell him you need time that you have had a lot to digest these last few months. I know I am just repeating what rr22 has said but she is right. Do not worry about him worry about yourself. It is hard believe me I struggle with it every damn day. But I keep coming to post on these forums and I keep finding people who have stories that are like mine and I see that they have the ability to give advice even when they are in the dumps like us. Just keep reading and praying. Prepair yourself mentally for when he comes home. Have a strong PMA and just keep busy. It also doesn't hurt to just walk away when he starts talking about things that you don't want to hear. Just say you need time and get out of the house or go to a different room. Show him you are strong. Say STOP in your mind when doubt begins to worm its way in. You are in my prayers.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
