Ok...so I write all of those positives right? Things can only be deemed "good" in my R at this point in time, right?
Then WHY did I have to go and have one of those DOH! moments?
I don't have runaway thoughts...I have runaway MOUTH!
I had to go and bring up OW tonight I, um, experienced and odd moment, which I won't go into, and I ended up asking H about it. H didn't get upset or anything...at least not while he was here...and answered my question very matter-of-factly but still! I thought I was getting that crap under control!
I'm venting here folks, about me of all things!
I just seem to be experiencing a great deal of self-anger right now for some reason. When I say a great deal I mean rightous, "hell hath no fury", "I want to hit someone and hurt them" kind of anger. I can't see me hitting myself though so I am STUCK trying to find another way to dump it before H comes back home.
I tried losing myself in other threads but I could feel this "Yuck" just growing...I'm starting to wonder if I'm not going a little nuts here?
AAAAARRRGHHHHH!
I could bounce my head off the wall a few times but the last time I did that I got a headache and had to fix the wall...aw hell, even thinking about doing that is friggin stupid
Is this some form of aftermath psychosis that someone for got to warn me about??
Damn and double DAMN!
Don't worry about it folks...I get over these things usually I just needed to express it somehow
Thanks, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I am posting an e-mail I would like to send to H. Please tell me if I have gone over the top on it
T,
I wanted to let you know just how much I appreciate the changes that you have made and the positive effect they have had on our relationship. Even though I ask foolish questions and get caught up running in circles at times, you have shown a great deal of patience and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t feel the love you have for me. Through your actions you have shown me that nothing is impossible and the faith I have in you grows in leaps and bounds, minute by minute and day by day. My love for you is unconditional and knows no limits…by myself I can accomplish a great deal but by your side I can conquer the world.
Love Always, B
Thanks in advance, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I brought up OW in a recent discussion, and like you things were going well...I wasn't even angry..but boy CJ was...he hates the idea of "keeping her alive".
Doesn't sound like damage was done here, Zoo, it wasn't a full out rant on H was it? Didn't think so.
Your positives are VERY encouraging, and sometimes I think we have the perverse, mostly unconscious need to test them, and hence this "crap" comes up.
Also, given the amount of anger you're feeling right now, perhaps it needs to come up? Are there things you still need to know?
If on the other hand it's just one of those random wrath attacks, vent away here, it will pass!
(Do I remember right that it's Beth? I've always really liked that name.)
I like your letter. I wouldn't change a word.
I sent my own email to my W after reading Kitti's thread.
Zoo, jeez, the fits I go through still, dealing with my emotions, triggered by such insignificant things. Shiny is right - these things are normal (at least I HOPE so... ). Getting it out on the BB is healthy. I'm right there with you.
Thanks Shiny...just wish someone would have warned me ahead of time
Ho, it wasn't a full on rant at H. I just asked him a question and nothing more. Fairly nonchalant about it...when asked WHY I wanted to know I just said I had an odd experience and left it at that. I'm gettign the "not explaining myself constantly" under control...now if that would only happen with the questions
I think a lot of my anger is because I FEEL like I'm failing myself at some level...not sure why, I've really never thought of myself as a perfectionist before But I do have some serious SELF control issues...I'm pretty easy going about most things but I HAVE to be in control of myself at ALL times
Hugz for the input Great Lady!
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Lots of interesting things happened on trip down to KY. today
H and I were talking about BB and M in general. H commented on how he could understand how sometimes you feel like you try everything you possibly can and eventually leave an M because you feel you have no other choice. H then made references to his first 2 M's.
I then voiced the opinion that even though a person FEELS like they are trying that a lot of times that perception is solely their own. The LBS may not see it that way, that the WAS keeps their trying all to themselves or they do it in such a way that it is not understood by the LBS
H said that he understood that NOW but that in his attempts to reconcile w his first two W's they told him in no uncertain terms that reconciliation was out of the question. ( 1st W told children not to call him "daddy" anymore and I don't think wanted him to see the children anymore:( 2nd W left H and moved in w OM she was having an A with).
I asked H if he felt that he had "tried and tried" to work on us and was getting nowhere...hence the sitch we ended up in. H said "no, it wasn't like that. I just felt like WE were getting stale" NOW comes the good part! :grin H then said " I take the BLAME for all of that NOW."
THAT is a HUGE admission on H's part! That just may be the closest thing I will ever get to an admission of feeling some sense of guilt about what happened. It isn't much to go on, granted, but it took a great deal of pride swallowing for H to admit.
The whole convo was actually pretty upbeat and matter-of-fact. We reminisced about the "old days" and H commented on how he still finds the way we found each other and got back together again (in the beginning) pretty amazing and crazy I told him I agreed and that it had to be admitted that , as crazy as it was it had to be "meant to be" H laughed and said "yes, it was!" with a big grin on his face
I was so upbeat by all of this that I couldn't even get upset when H got a speeding ticket today...LOL
We had a great day and when we went to the PX H found the WEDDING RINGS he's been wanting to look at He really liked them (they are Irish Kladaugh "faith" rings ) and is going to special order them this weekend since they didn't have his size
I'm getting my X-mas present!!
Wedding ring, horse and a deep fat frier...I don't think it gets any better then that!!
Wait...yes it can...an H who loves me and an M that I can now truly believe has been BUSTED!!
The icing on the cake...H is on his way home from work...FOR THE NIGHT!
Hugz to all! Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I, um, experienced and odd moment, which I won't go into, and I ended up asking H about it. H didn't get upset or anything...at least not while he was here...and answered my question very matter-of-factly but still! I thought I was getting that crap under control! 
