The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Just a crazy long day. Mixed feelings. I felt ... good ... after talking to my L today. Now, I feel guilty about that.

I saw FIB's day and just wonder how those final married hours will go for me. God, that's just heart-ripping.

I feel hopeful that I can dig myself out of a financial hole after the Dave Ramsey class. But I'm sad too because I'll be doing it without W. Five years ago we were on the same page financially and saving religiously to go to Vegas for our 10th anniversary.

On the way home from work -- I stopped in after the Ramsey class -- a wave of sadness. So much to talk to W about ... if we were still together.

Instead, home to this board and then to sleep.

[ClingingToHope]

Feeling strangely guilty this morning. So much of yesterday I felt as if W was "The Enemy."

It was six months ago that I thought this would all eventually work out. It was three months ago that I still thought we had a chance.

Now we're adversaries in the courts.

I went to sleep thinking about our wedding day. That was a great day. I had worries before hand because of her family. But I truly thought we were a fairy tale, made for each other, on our wedding day.

I was the crazy outgoing type who needed someone to keep me grounded. She was the shy withdrawn type who needed someone to draw her out.

I'm not sure when it started to go downhill, but I see now how hopeless this all is.

I think the time with the attorney and reading about FIB's day has made me sentimental.

But the reality is the person I married doesn't exist anymore, as I've read in so many other sitchs. The mother of my children is the one who greeted me last night with a frown and ice-cold eyes as I dropped D11 off from dinner.

[ClingingToHope]

Just got off phone with W. She didn't really like the after school sitter last night but feels stuck. There was one other good candidate, but she keeps playing phone tag.

She also talked about perhaps her mother watching the girls this summer. MIL usually works summer schools in the summer -- she's a librarian.

That means A LOT of together time for Emma and Hannah this summer instead of the vast array of camps. I'm not sure they'll like that.

I hate these phone calls. W is laughing and joking and slipped a "hon" in.

It's been 10 months and yet when I hang up I have the same feelings of loss and despair. This whole thing just makes no sense.

Of course, she hasn't seen my counter proposal yet and I'm guessing the jokey tone likely will change after seeing it.

I'd get up and take a walk but I'm trying to stay off my injured foot.

[faithisbelieving]

The babbling brook and the quiet lake.

Read Dr. Gray's book.

A talkative woman meets a quiet guy. The guy thinks, "oh wow, I've met someone who can communicate and now I can just relax and listen."

The woman thinks, "oh wow, I've finally met a man who will listen to me."

After 3 years, the guy wishes the woman would shut her mouth up and tunes her out. The woman can't stand the guy because he doesn't communicate and ignores her and the two realize that they don't even know each other after all that time.

It's a classic situation CTH. Even written about by Tolle in A New Earth. People wear masks that take incredible energy to keep in place. When, finally, someone let's their mask down, someone's needs are not being met, well, you know the rest.

You can't control another person. Walk straight. Keep to the high road and, finally, once the attorneys get called in............

FIB

[faithisbelieving]

PS...as per your wife's 'hon', etc, my STBXW's entire family was at the court room and having lunch together in between conferences..laughing, joking and smiling...as if the giant had bee slain.

Live well.

FIB

[ClingingToHope]

I pray it doesn't actually get to court. If we can settle before hand I don't expect to be within miles of the court house. I was there for the important things -- the wedding, the birth of our girls, her dad's funeral.

I hope I don't have to be there for this. If I don't, I haven't decided where I'll be. Maybe Vegas.

I can't imagine the pain you had to go through, FIB.

[avermont]

[/quote]87% of couples who separate, or even do a "trial" separation never reconcile.
In a follow-up, of those 87%, some 75% of them regretted it 5 years later and conceded their lives were worse off on many levels (love, companionship, depression, financial, social, etc.).

Of the 13% who did reconcile, 5 years later a full 95% of them were glad they did, glad they stuck it out and worked it. Because it improved and M & R & life were far better and happier.[quote]

Yes, but how do I subtly text this info to X? He's certainly not searching the internet for stats on the odds of him being happier with me in the long run.

Sigh. Move on, Avermont!!

[avermont]

Sorry that it still sucks so much after 10 months, CTH. I wish I knew the magic number of months it takes until it sucks less.

And the frustration of not being able to go and walk off the feelings--I hope that foot heals up soon!

[ClingingToHope]

Foot is feeling better. Just reviewed the letter my L is sending to her L. Just judging by the precision of the language, I think I'm in good shape with my guy.

W has basically had it her way since I moved out because I thought the "nice guy" route would convince her she's making a mistake.

I'm wondering what's next when she receives this.

Any input from the crowd. Once the actual D negotiations started and the WAS realized it wasn't going to be easy, what happened next?

[mishka422]

Sorry, I have no insight on that one. He gave in on every point because he just wanted out and wasn't willing to fight me. Of course, the language in the final decree means exactly SQUAT unless you are willing to go back into court and spend bunches more money in filing fees, L's fees, etc. to enforce any of it. Trust me, it's all just paper, not reality.