Thank you luvless. My H has provided me with very little hope of being able to recover from all of this. I would be willing to give it 150% if I felt that he was in it. I think he is going thru withdrawal from ending his A..and that alone is hard to digest. But because of this, he continues to be selfish. The last thing I need right now is a selfish H..not when trying to piece things together. I feel like if I wait this out..it could be another 2 months/years of my life in limbo. My H made so many of the decisions in our M..including having an A...I am not going to allow him to make this decision. This one is for me.
I feel so sure about my decision today. I haven't felt this way before..but I am nervous that I am going to wake up tomorrow unsure again. Today I realized that it is over...without the D finalized...it just feels over already. I had a hard time eating today and broke down into tears multiple times..I am just worn down. I guess like many people..you just know when you are ready..I got there today. My H has been involved in a serious EA/PA for a long time now...the wall is up between us. I have become his 2ndary relationship.
It seems that people do come back from these awful situations.. I just feel like I am on a different playing field than my H. Even after all this..he clearly has the advantage..and still wants to call the shots. I know this is my fault to some extent..I don't believe I set boundaries at the right time. I gave more of myself than he ever had to in our M. I took care of everything. Partly because I like giving and doing for people, but partly because he was always too selfish to contribute. Also because it was just so much easier than fighting with him. He never wanted to do anything that he didn't want to do. Not good for a M.
This morning I was thinking about some of the things my H has said to me over the past few months and it really angered me. I think the worst is "I always thought you were lucky to have me in your life..now I realize that I took you for granted". This was after finding out about his A the 2nd time. For someone to think that and then say it...no respect.
His A has made me cast doubt on my entire M. Was it as good as I thought..did he really ever love me? were we a happy couple? It is so hard to remember what life was like prior to the A and all that followed. The good memories seem so far away..they have been overshadowed by this crap. I think I need to get out of the situation before the bad times outnumber the good times. IC has asked me for months..where is the anger?.it has arrived...along with the depression that I haven't felt up until this point. I hope this is temporary.
I don't know if I would say file or not file. All I know is you have to process your feelings about all this stuff. Your IC can help you do that. If you're filing cause he has been and as*hole or that he doesn't respect you that's not enough to carry you through this. This has to be something you decide after getting to a a healthly place so you own it not in reaction to something somebody did to you.
I made that mistake when I ended my first marriage. Someoone has an affair you end the marriage but you don't understand it. You carry that anger, pain and uncertainty around for awhile until finally it just stops hurting as much but it doesn't go away. If you ignore this you will give it power. Look at it staight in the face and own it and understand it. You will make this decision from a place of strength, not weekness or uncertainty.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I'm a big proponent of not acting until you are certain. It doesn't sound to me like you are. I would still go to the lawyer and get all your questions answered. Knowledge is power.
Regarding H being in withdrawal from his A: that is normal. It's not really fair to expect him not to go through that because it's painful to you. This whole situation is painful and it's going to be more painful no matter what you decide to do. You have to go through it to get better.
It seems to me that you're making assumptions and acting on them. You believe you're H's secondary relationship yet he professes that he is done with OW and is willing to prove it to you. What are you basing that statement on?
Again, I'm not trying to talk you into or out of doing anything. I just know firsthand the flip-flopping of emotions and decisions at that stage. I think I decided 2-3 times that I was leaving BF after we started piecing because it's too hard, too painful, and I would be better off just starting fresh. But I wasn't entirely convinced of that in a day or two so I'm just staying the course for now.
OTOH, when I decided I was done with his cheating ass I was 110% sure I wanted him out of the house and I was finished. The moment of clarity was sharp and I was at peace with the decision.
So before I make any other big decisions I will wait for that moment of clarity.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Why do I feel like I have these moments of clarity...followed by uncertainty???
I guess I am reacting out of emotion right now. It was just such an awful weekend. Where was my H who said he called it off with OW and was going to commit to our M? He hasn't done much of anything...when do I stop waiting for him to provide me with some real indication that he wants to really work at this. He is still ambivalent in his actions and sometimes his words. Am I supposed to just accept the fact that right now he is dealing with the loss of his A?
Over the weekend..I didn't feel a connection with him at all. He was at the house..but not emotionally here. He hasn't called to see how the flooding is even though he knew it was wearing me out. I know this may be may ego speaking..but I don't want to let him make the final decision in our M. I just don't think he is going to give this the effort that it needs.
Regarding MC..like I mentioned before..he was on board but I decided to cancel and go alone..H said lets go next week if you arent ready...so I scheduled the MC for this week..my H says now he isn't ready. He seems so angry at me... he doesn't look at me like a man that wants his M. I feel like he still blames me for all of this..I know it is crazy..but this is the way he acts. I don't sense much remorse from him.
I do have my appt with the attorney tomorrow night. I am thinking that I fill out everything I need to fill out and then ask her to hold off? I am so confused..
I know there are issues here that I need to face with my H..but I need a fully active and willing participant. Once he is thru his withdrawal..will I see this man? Will he ever get thru withdrawal with her still in his office?
I am realizing that we can talk about detachment until we're blue in the face. You should see the guys on my thread hammering me with it. I have a big tattoo on my forehead that says DETACH. You are not going to hear this until you are ready. You will only detach when you realize that living their pain with them is to painful for YOU.
I think I am finally getting there. Look at your post up there. You are expecting, hoping, wishing for him to do something, to feel something,to show you something. You are focused on HIM. You are focused on your M. Guess what? There is no marriage right now. You have to STOP. You have to DETACH. Take care of YOU. It is the hardest thing you will EVER do in your life. Believe me. I haven't even done it yet it and it is the worst thing in the world. It's worse than the A. Cause you can't do it with anger. You have to let go with Love. Otherwise you die inside. Does this make sense?
I always use the analogy you don't die from a snake bite, you die from the poison. That's what I was talking about earlier when I said when you make this decision do it when you're healthy. You won't get there unless you detach.
I think you have enough information to know that this is not the right time for MC. IC for you definitely. I said up thread that you will find the truth here and through this process. You have a lot of truth staring you in the face.
Stay with it. You're going to get there.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Grit I guess I am confused with detachment..I feel like when I become more detached (caring about myself more...realizing that this relationship has been toxic and I need to separate..know that I am better right now without him...the feeling that I cannot imagine him back at this house)..I have that clarity. When I think about all of this being so final- I get cold feet. I don't know what I am supposed to feel right now.
Why the cold feet?? Am I not fully detached? How can I completely be OK with divorce? I have spent 10 years with this man? so many memories and good times. So many bad times that we survived together. I just don't understand. When I speak to my friends and family...it seems like the logical answer is to let him go and find someone that will love me like I deserve. Can you explain more.
I just want to thank everyone for their input. This forum has been such a help for me..just to vent..and hear from other people that are in similar situations. Nobody around me has dealt with this..so I have been left feeling very alone.
