Having said all that, I do understand men and women are different – so perhaps it is possible for men to compartmentalise to the extent they can connect with a woman even though they still have a spouse or significant other in the picture … ???
From everything I've read here--and witnessed while my H had his own MLC emotional affair--men aren't so different from women in this respect. It's only possible for them to have one strong emotional connection at the time, and they have to hold off/distance themselves from their spouse/affair partner when they are with the other.
You're quite right, though, that it's impossible to have true emotional intimacy unless you are completely "there" for your partner--and it takes a lot of self-growth and self-acceptance and maturity to reach that place. Affairs are just attempts to find connection and feel-good sensations without having gone through the pain of working on oneself. You sound as though you are growing, reflecting, valuing yourself--I appreciate your honesty about your journey.
