flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

Doing The Work on my irrational M beliefs:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1950915#Post1950915
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One-Belief-at-a-Time Worksheet (www.thework.com)

Belief: If I love H enough he will love me back.

1. Is it true?
no

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

I feel the anxiety of being responsible for not only my feelings but his. I feel a pit in my stomach. I am filled with fear. I feel like I am grasping at something. I imagine him pulling away. This thought brings stress to my life. When I have this thought, I am in H’s business, not mine. When I have this thought, I can’t be present with H because I am expecting him to love me back. When I have this thought, I blame myself for not loving H enough. When I have this thought, it feeds my obsession about our M. The payoff for holding onto this belief is the illusion that I can control H. I’m afraid that if I didn’t have this thought, I would be giving up the hope of H loving me. When I believe this thought, I am not able to take care of myself.

4. Who would you be without the thought?

My love would be untainted by fear or anxiety...it would just be. I would be a whole person who can love freely. I would be able to relax into my love.

Turn the thought around.
If I love H enough he will not love me back.
I have loved H enough and he hasn’t loved me back when I was depressed before we were M, when he had the affair before we were M, and now. H’s love for me is his business, not mine.

If I love myself enough I will love myself back.
Taking care of myself and mothering myself will increase my capacity for self love. My love is MY business.

If I love myself enough H will love me back.
I don’t know if H will love me back, but I know that his love for me has been strongest when I have loved myself (going on adventures together, becoming parents, talking and exploring ideas together).