Her heart has already left

[AmyBel]

But her body and mind are still here.
Last tuesday my wife (16 year relationship, 12 year marriage) asked for divorce.
She told me that while on a vacation, that I couldn't attend, she experienced attraction to our best friend. She expressed that to the friend and the friend (now, OW) reciprocated. They have not become sexually involved but are carrying on an emotional affair (exchanging texts, emails, phone calls, and some visits.)

She sat on the information for three weeks trying to process it herself with a therapist and the OW. Then told me.

She has turned to a document we wrote 6 months after we started going steady as a guide for how to act. e.g. give one month notice if you want out. Got to therapy together. Don't date anyone else for six months afterward. Don't make decisions during that time of the month...

We went to a therapist on Friday. He pointed out that I was doing all the typical polarizing attempts to repel the invader and save the marriage (arguing, reasoning, etc.) He also pointed out that she is suffering from "in love" chemicals.

My sense is that she is 90% already out of the marriage but 10% able to give us a chance. I'm committed to trying to make it work.

I understand and forgive the feelings. You can't control feelings. I am livid that she chose to speak them out loud, and livid that our friend (the OW) chose to speak hers out loud.

We have a strong and happy marriage with great communication skills. However, I don't think the emotions about the OW would have been acted on if the marriage was in a better place. W thinks that OW was always a temptation for her, they have history, and that the difference is that the OW has been divorce two years and is seeking a relationship.

My work has me away from home except for weekends for the last 8 months and for another 4 months, then I'll be home full time. I acknowledge that my fear of conflict has prevented me from commenting on the strong feelings my W has for our friend. They are clear in hindsight, though she hasn't been having an affair until now. I acknowledge that my anxiety about the big transition in my career, and the traveling, has caused me to neglect my W. And I acknowledge that my hang ups about sex have been "starving" my wife for a while. And I was stooooopid to let them vacation together, pretending to be a family. So, I have work to do on myself, regardless of the future of my marriage.

I am devastated. Angry. Hurt. This marriage is worth saving.

We have no children yet, though W want them. OW has a son.

We have set boundaries on her contact with the OW - she must tell me when she is in contact. We are working on new boundaries that end the affair. Today she finally acknowledged that it was an affair, she wasn't seeing it that way before.

She is willing to give it 30 days. (two months due to my travel schedule) and to go to a therapist.

I'm working very hard to be the attractive, whole, happening person who is not dependent on her, but sometimes I make myself crazy with sadness or suspicion. I've found it seems to work to share that with her, but only when I really need to.

I haven't confronted the OW. She is my friend. She stood with us at our wedding and made a vow to support the marriage. She is actively threatening our marriage. I want to say that to her, but I'm not sure what purpose that would serve.

'outing' my wife is NOT an option. We are telling people though. I can't wait for her to have the conversation with her dad.

Help!
amybel

[AmyBel]

Is detachment right in this case? It seems like detachment is what got us into this! I feel like I need to prove to her that I CAN be her "bucket filler". I can make her my priority, I can be the person she was missing and needing so much that she turned to someone else.

How should I be?

[TrentC]

First off, some clarification: By "OW" are you referring to another man? We typically use "OM" for that.

Secondly, you will have to be the ultimate judge of what does and does not work. We can give you all sorts of advice based on our collective experiences and knowledge, but everyone's situation is different and what may be working in my R may not work for yours.

Some good books to read:
The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis (I prefer this one to Divorce Busting)
Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz
The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca
For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn

[TrentC]

Is detachment right in this case? It seems like detachment is what got us into this! I feel like I need to prove to her that I CAN be her "bucket filler". I can make her my priority, I can be the person she was missing and needing so much that she turned to someone else.

How should I be?

It is great that you want to work on yourself and the relationship. However, do not make changes solely for her benefit; that is codependent behavior, and will only make your problems worse. I suppose I should throw in a mention of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

Detachment is not necessarily about distancing yourself or cutting off contact. There is an excellent article at Livestrong.com about what detachment is and why it is important.

If you find yourself in the same heated arguments over and over again, you might want to read about emotional reactivity and how it can poison a relationship.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

First off, some clarification: By "OW" are you referring to another man? We typically use "OM" for that.

Trent,

I took it that this was a lesbian relationship. I could be wrong?

Puppy

[TrentC]

PDT,

Actually, re-reading the original post leads me to the same conclusion.

Apologies to AmyBel, I didn't mean to presume.

In that respect, For Men Only by Shaunti Feldhahn may not work for you. I would recommend the companion book For Women Only, but the author does state that they are written with the assumption that the reader is in a heterosexual relationship.

[AmyBel]

Hi Trent,
Thanks for the advice, and yes, I am a woman and the ow is a woman as well.
And no apologies necessary for the presumption. (Hey! my home state is Oregon. Someday I'll be back there!)

One of the problems in figuring this stuff out is that most of the literature assumes that you have a man and a woman in the relationship and all the assumptions that go with that don't necessarily hold true for our relationship...

[AmyBel]

Is detachment right in this case?

I meant 180s, not detachment. I read through the detachment page and it looks like differentiation, which is healthy and right. I'm responding to the fact that I've been absent, emotionally and physically, and practicing that list of 180s looks like more of the same... Perhaps I'm missing the point?

[AmyBel]

If you find yourself in the same heated arguments over and over again, you might want to read about emotional reactivity and how it can poison a relationship.

No heated arguments here. Well, at least not repeating ones. We work things out amazingly well. This is the first true impasse we've ever hit... The I want a divorce/I'm not giving you one impasse.

Our heated arguments this week have been 1) revealing something about my wife's story to our couples counsellor who we just met that she wasn't ready to reveal (it was fairly old news and not necessary to the conversation, and I already know that she is private.) and 2) Huh, I don't remember.

[AmyBel]

OK, this is what I want to request regarding my W ending her EA with our friend the OW.

Opinions welcomed!

"My request re: W contact with OW parameters
General principle: The EA needs to stop, some contact is necessary to convey basic info (like what this agreement is.)
No communication of any kind that contains “I love you,” emotional professions, descriptions of emotional pain/experiences, that invite OW to take care of W in any way, that discuss a future that might include an OW/W relationship, asking if “you are OK”, etc.
No daily communication.
No communications that you would feel uncomfortable showing to me for any reason.
Texting OK for logistical info, (just the facts ma’am) any time, not every day, don’t have to alert me first.
Email OK if purely logistical, short, and would be fine if I read it too. Tell me you did this.
Phone calls if I and W discuss and realize that a phone call is needed but isn’t engaging in the EA."