Yes...a lot of positives actually this week which have really helped to counteract the few negative moments that have occured
Sometimes I swear H is reading the bb at work?? He keeps saying "thank you" or telling me how much he appreciates something I've done for him He uses the words "please" or "if you don't mind" when he asks for something This is SOOOO different from the way he was a few mos ago that it is a bit unnerving at times
I did add you to my yahoo I should be on and off the comp during the day since H is at drill.
Take care! Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Thanks for the cheerful morning welcome Pam! Yeah, I think the track is better too although they have some major tire issues that need to be worked out Glad David got your comp sitch ireoned out too..tripple A+++!
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
A really strange occurence last night H got back from drill and basically passed out on the couch. I ended up spending my night alone watching TV and getting stir crazy After one of my visits upstairs to the comp I went to get a cup of coffee and glanced over at "Sleeping Beauty" in all his "glamour" when this THOUGHT just leapt into my brain...
What in the hell am I still doing here??
It stopped me in my tracks! I just stood there and stared at H and got a chill down my back and the hair stood up on my neck I don't know which was worse...the thought itself or the fact that I had no immediate reply to it
I don't remember having this thought when it seemed like I was about to lose everything. I knew WHY I was here and WHAT I wanted and I did what it took to accomplish those things. SO why the thought NOW when for the most part things are better then they ever have been?
At the time of the thought there was no fear or worry associated with it...it just was kind of unnerving and very unexpected. Of course today I have been trying to analyze the hell out of it because the thought just won't go away...even when I do give it answers. It just hangs there like it's waiting expectantly for something more.
I know...I'm CRAZY !!
I do think that I am inching closer to my "center" each day. Something that might have bothered me a great deal a couple of weeks ago I seem to be able to calmly accept more easily. Whether this is due to the convo's with H, his expressions of appreciation, or my finally being able to come to grips with mySELF I don't know but it is a shift that I can sense.
Could be the calm before the storm too
Positives over the weekend:
1. Was able to ascertain that H is reaching a state of acceptable happiness. Was told that he is definitely happier now then he was 6 mos ago.
2. No stupid arguements.
3. More expressions of appreciation. H thanked me tonight for calling him at work to let him know about something important. I normally don't call except in an emergency. H uses the words I appreciate ____ and thank you for _____ too. Not just "thanks" or nothing at all
3. H has been sharing his drill experience with me openly and of his own free will. I have felt no NEED to question him about any of it.
4. Possible trip to Ft. Knox this week is in the planning stages. Army PX and commisary here I come!!
5. I am experiencing a general sense of well being all things aside.
6. H is ASKING me to do things for him rather then ASSUMING I'll just do them on my own. This is a definite address to his past "taking me for granted" behaviour!
Hugz to all, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
And like you, it was AFTER the major battles had been won.
I think it's only natural...or at least some part of our inner wisdom popping out, an unconscious issue slipping forth...Something we couldnt' even let ourselves CONSIDER when trying to "win them back"...
Not to tell you you did the wrong thing! But to encourage your introspection on the matter.
I STILL have that feeling every so often. Only not to that same degree of intensity.
Do you keep track of your dreams at all? They offer similar kinds of insight (IMO) only symbolically.
Keep track, meditate on it...but don't WORRY...take it from me, worry seldom helps anything!!
My C has told me that most people in my position would have walked - actually seems somewhat amazed that I haven't. She told me early on that I needed to accept that I might come to the point where I wanted out.
Let's face it - what we're doing is HARD. What we're doing is slow in producing feeback for us, doens't provide instant gratification, rather a wealth of ambiguity.
Somewhat of a reversal in my house now - W is worried that I'm going to lose patience and just say, I can't live like this anymore.
I told her I choose every day to marry myself to her. I won't leave - we have years together to figure things out.
I think having thoughts like the one you articulated is natural, Zoo - I think it might even be an important and healthy part of of this process. Because if, at some level, proceeding with this isn't a choice, then we're just trapping ourselves out of fear or duty or adherence to our values - which, I think, leads to resentment and depression.
Our minds are showing us the choices we have, showing us the level of control that we have over our situations, and enabling us to make the hard choice, allowing us to willingly express our love and dedication.
Well, my two cents. Good morning Zoo! Wishing you a great day.
funny zoo, i had that thought MANY times before the bomb!!!!
i think it's only natural when things die down a bit and return back to what we really think is NORMAL that we stop and wonder if it's all been worth it
the fight is long and hard, and after all, we are only human, with frailties and insecurities
no r is perfect, that is the one thing i am finding out more and more during this journey
Thank you everyone for posting It is comforting to know that I am not alone in some of the thoughts that I stumble across on occasion
Was feeling a bit down from remembering pieces of my past abysmal R/M's but realised that letting them get to me was ridiculous . They are in the past and should be allowed to moulder there, collecting dust and withering away. I am in a new place now with an M that is far better then it was, then they were or ever could've been.
Positives:
1. H has been seeking me out and asking for "kissies" before he leaves the house. I think using the term "kissies" is very sweet and endearing...I would never have believed him capable of this type of expression before
2. H continues to be appreciative and show his gratitude. I spent several HOURS last night looking for some paperwork that he needed. I tried to get him to go to bed and just let me look for them by myself but he decided to stay up until I could go to bed with him. I didn't find them until 4 am The papers were needed so we could go to Kentucky TODAY...instead of H getting upset that it took me so long to find them (old H) he THANKED me for looking so hard and said we would just go down tomorrow or Fri.
3. H and I cuddled and chit-chatted until 7 this morning. It was nice just to relax and hold each other after such a frustrating night.
4. H is using more terms of endearment. Before all he usually called me was "Bub" and on occasion "Hon". Now he says "Baby", "Honey", "Sweetie" (my fav ), "dear" etc. Bub still slips out on occasion...I told H that I didn't like being called this and he is making a fantastic effort to respect my wishes.
5. H's PMA is way up! He is less tense, smiling frequently and being very approachable.
6. I felt comfortable enough to ask H if his ILY's were sincerely meant now (this has been bugging me...I have been acting "as if" part of the time just so the possible doubt wouldn't bring me down). H didn't get frustrated or annoyed byt the q...he smiled and said "yes babe, I really, really mean it when I tell you ILY".
7. H has been planning for the future more. He is taking the time to look up costs and figuring out estimates for some of the repairs that need to be done as well as what we need to care for the horses, budgeting money for our trip to Germany, expenses involved to start up a new,SHARED hobby etc. He's not looking at things as "pipe-dreams" anymore or wishful thinking (YIPPEE!).
8. H went with me to have my EEG test done yesterday. I felt bad because it took a lot longer then it did the last time (tech was SLOW as molasses) and H had some errands he had planned on getting done. H was irritated by the length of time...but the irritation was NOT directed at ME! He came up with his OWN solution to still getting the errands done and let the irritation go. The pancakes I made him when we got home might have helped too
9. My PMA is picking up too I do have moments but they are becoming fewer and far between. I am noticing more "shift" in my attitude and outlook each day.
10. I am getting the "itch" to be creative again. Words are becoming more organized instead of me grasping at them through a jumble. An art piece that I started is taking on an urgency to get completed. I have been trying not to force my creativity because I'm generally disappointed in the work that comes out then (other's aren't but this is one area that is defitiely all about me pleasing me). The itch I'm talking about is literally that too...my hands are physically starting to itch!
I don't know if this is truly a positive or not...I guess it would depend on your viewpoint. I think I talked about my getting my DL renewed and feeling that H might have intentionally sabotaged this effort ? I found out today that H did indeed do just that. I was talking to my dad about getting ID cards and he mentioned that I probably should go get a state ID card since my DL was expired. I told him about how I thought H might have deliberately avoided taking me to get DL renewed...dad said "he did hon, he doesn't want you driving and getting hurt or hurting someone else if you have a szr...he said you were bugging him about it but he didn't want you to have it back until the Dr. says it's ok." I'm not sure whether I'm happy about H showing so much concern or frustrated by being hood-winked I think I will just pretend and act "as-if" for right now
Hugz to all, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
He uses the words "please" or "if you don't mind" when he asks for something 
After one of my visits upstairs to the comp I went to get a cup of coffee and glanced over at "Sleeping Beauty" in all his "glamour" 
when this THOUGHT just leapt into my brain... 
