More journaling

A really strange occurence last night H got back from drill and basically passed out on the couch. I ended up spending my night alone watching TV and getting stir crazy After one of my visits upstairs to the comp I went to get a cup of coffee and glanced over at "Sleeping Beauty" in all his "glamour" when this THOUGHT just leapt into my brain...

What in the hell am I still doing here??

It stopped me in my tracks! I just stood there and stared at H and got a chill down my back and the hair stood up on my neck I don't know which was worse...the thought itself or the fact that I had no immediate reply to it

I don't remember having this thought when it seemed like I was about to lose everything. I knew WHY I was here and WHAT I wanted and I did what it took to accomplish those things. SO why the thought NOW when for the most part things are better then they ever have been?

At the time of the thought there was no fear or worry associated with it...it just was kind of unnerving and very unexpected. Of course today I have been trying to analyze the hell out of it because the thought just won't go away...even when I do give it answers. It just hangs there like it's waiting expectantly for something more.

I know...I'm CRAZY !!

I do think that I am inching closer to my "center" each day. Something that might have bothered me a great deal a couple of weeks ago I seem to be able to calmly accept more easily. Whether this is due to the convo's with H, his expressions of appreciation, or my finally being able to come to grips with mySELF I don't know but it is a shift that I can sense.

Could be the calm before the storm too

Positives over the weekend:

1. Was able to ascertain that H is reaching a state of acceptable happiness. Was told that he is definitely happier now then he was 6 mos ago.

2. No stupid arguements.

3. More expressions of appreciation. H thanked me tonight for calling him at work to let him know about something important. I normally don't call except in an emergency. H uses the words I appreciate ____ and thank you for _____ too. Not just "thanks" or nothing at all

3. H has been sharing his drill experience with me openly and of his own free will. I have felt no NEED to question him about any of it.

4. Possible trip to Ft. Knox this week is in the planning stages. Army PX and commisary here I come!!

5. I am experiencing a general sense of well being all things aside.

6. H is ASKING me to do things for him rather then ASSUMING I'll just do them on my own. This is a definite address to his past "taking me for granted" behaviour!

Hugz to all,
Zoo

"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm." - Mahatma Gandhi