setting boundaries when not clear if A is over

[newmama]

Piano, I am also reflecting on my actions over the last year and trying to think what I should have done differently to speed up the end of the A. The mistakes I made repeatedly (before I found DBing) were that I did the emotional begging or berrating or complaining about how unfair this is, or bringing up the status of our relationship.

Also, he was over at the house so much because I wanted him to bond with our son (now I realize our son would have been fine even if he saw him less because newborns' priority are their mom! They bond with dad around 3-4 months!)And being here meant he had more contact w/ me, too which was painful for me and allowed cake eating. On one hand it's helpful for them to see DBing efforts on our part, but really, when you are trying to survive the first month or 2 after the baby is born, there's not much energy (nor should there be) for DBing!!!



SO before the baby was born, I could have found a way to let him know that I want him to be able to see his son as much as he wants, but would need a balance between seeing him and protecting me from seeing my H since it is too painful to see him while we are not actively married. Shouldawouldacoulda...
I would have reduced the Sunday visits to 3 hours and the Saturday visits to 4 (one day is necessary to be free to run errands and get stuff done).

Let's see...when he last brought up divorce in October it was when I had been sad and crying. We all went to the store together and it was painful because we weren't a family.

Sorry for the rambling. Everyone's spouse is different and that is why I don't follow 100% of advice given! My only success is stalling the D at a minimum! Well and all the self improvements!