help with a plan

[flowmom]

I thought that after the kids grew up, and they grow up so fast, there would be more than enough time for us. I would always be there for her and she for me. Wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IDU, I'm right there with you. I was really naive about what was happening to our M. I thought that my loving H and trying really hard was enough. I feel stupid now.

[sandi2]

if this was like the old days and things were good between us, I wouldn't mind at all.

It's not matter of you minding. It is a matter of standing up to a WAW and telling her "no". You have to stop enabling her actions.

I hate being such a nice guy!

There has been a lot of discussion on the board about that term "nice guy" and it is not about being a good or nice person......it is an expression used that means "passive". Women like men who are nice, but they do not like a passive man. Big difference! You can't figure out how to be a good dad and stand up to your W at the same time?

Being a great dad does not make you a great H. Stop putting the two together like that.

[idontunderstand]

It has to be drilled into my head. The quote should read, "I hate being a passive guy." I never used to be this way. Just since having kids, I guess. I feel stupid too, FM.

I know being a great dad doesn't make me a great husband, believe me.

I am still feeling my way around this whole mess that I helped create. I'm trying to learn and read as much as I can so I don't make things worse with my actions.

I do certain things and it goes good for awhile. Then it goes back to crap. I've been told she's testing me. Keep doing what works. How do I know when to do what. Do I say to her, "until we work this out one way or the other, I don't want you doing x,y,z. You need to find a sitter for whatever because I'm busy."

Does it really all come down to me standing up to her?

[Greek]

W left this morning for a two day trip to go to a concert with her sisters. She asked me a couple of weeks ago to take the days off work to watch kids and get them off the bus and to school funtions. I really thought about telling her no, if you want to go, you find someone to watch them untill I get off of work. But, they are my resposibility too, and I just couldn't tell her that. She just has no idea what it would be like if I wasn't here so she could go do all of her running. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't mind at all, but things aren't normal, are they? I did get a kiss good-bye. Big deal.

Time for new normal, idu.

"W, I have decided that you going to a concert for two days is not a reason I would choose to take off of work. You will have to find another option because this one is not available."

I know the concert deal is done but keep this posture in your hip pocket for the next time she asks your permission to take advantage of you. Big Girl Panties - she wants to be an completely independent woman with no ties to bind her to you, then let her have that. Don't be there for her.

Greek

[idontunderstand]

Thanks for the input, Greek.

I guess what it comes down to is I'm scared. There, I said it, I'm scared. How pathetic.

I know standing up to her at the right times will improve me whether she decides to stay or not. It's hard putting into action, though. I can detach somewhat. I can act as if somewhat. I don't talk about R or the future anymore. I understand a lot of the DB principals but can't get over the hump. I know what I need to do but worry about pushing her out the door. It would be a big 180 for me to do this and I am working on it. Why should I worry about her leaving, she's gone already.

I'm scared. I hate admitting it with all the good advice I've been given, but there it is.

[Greek]

I'm scared. I hate admitting it with all the good advice I've been given, but there it is.

Do you really want to attract your W? Then bury 'scared'. You can BE scared - but don't let her see it. Show the opposite of scared which is confident. Chicks dig confident. Chicks smell scared a mile away. Your chick is walking all over you.

You...are her babysitter.

Now...is that who you want to be?
Greek

[Coach]

Thanks for the input, Greek.

I guess what it comes down to is I'm scared. There, I said it, I'm scared. How pathetic.

I know standing up to her at the right times will improve me whether she decides to stay or not. It's hard putting into action, though. I can detach somewhat. I can act as if somewhat. I don't talk about R or the future anymore. I understand a lot of the DB principals but can't get over the hump. I know what I need to do but worry about pushing her out the door. It would be a big 180 for me to do this and I am working on it. Why should I worry about her leaving, she's gone already.

I'm scared. I hate admitting it with all the good advice I've been given, but there it is.

So stop feeling and start thinking.

Do what works.

Make goals.

Open your mind.

Try something new.

Understand the source of the fear and dispute it.

Your W can feel that you are scared, she won't be attracted to that.

What can you do that is healthy and productive for you that could earn resppect with your wife?

[idontunderstand]

So stop feeling and start thinking.

Do what works.

Make goals.

Open your mind.

Try something new.

Understand the source of the fear and dispute it.

Your W can feel that you are scared, she won't be attracted to that.

What can you do that is healthy and productive for you that could earn resppect with your wife?


Thanks, Coach.

Wise words that I have to drill into my head before I can expect to make any real progress.

[sandi2]

For the record......you are not stupid! You allowed yourself to fall into the same trap that so many of us do....."married with children". This has all been a whammy for you and you have to relearn some things and most of all....you need to kind of reinvent yourself. Make it exciting to yourself by setting goals to achieve.

Be thinking about some boundaries for your W, and if you aren't sure what or how to apply them....read Coach's thread about boundaries.

Practice acting self-confident. Think positive and talk positive to yourself (instead of feeling"stupid", etc.). Get a new look and some new activities. Pay a little special attention to yourself and do something that makes your ego feel better.

[flowmom]

For the record......you are not stupid! You allowed yourself to fall into the same trap that so many of us do....."married with children". This has all been a whammy for you and you have to relearn some things and most of all....you need to kind of reinvent yourself. Make it exciting to yourself by setting goals to achieve.

Be thinking about some boundaries for your W, and if you aren't sure what or how to apply them....read Coach's thread about boundaries.

Practice acting self-confident. Think positive and talk positive to yourself (instead of feeling"stupid", etc.). Get a new look and some new activities. Pay a little special attention to yourself and do something that makes your ego feel better.

So true and such good advice Sandi. It's true that chicks dig confident. Thinking about your sitch and your W is not going to help you feel confident. Taking care of yourself, having fun, pursuing goals...those will help you feel confident. It's good that you can acknowledge your fear. I have the same fears about boundary-setting. I think a lot of it is because of some irrational beliefs that I have about our R:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1950915#Post1950915
I think if I can work on those beliefs, it will help me to address the underlying causes of the fear. I know that my actions are the most important thing now...and I know that I can't act based on fear, no matter what happens with my sitch.