NEON RED is GO for Launch!

[Zoo]

Hey All

Needed to take a break from the BB for a few days. Found myself doing the EXACT thing I have advised others to try not to do...EMPATHIZE too much!!

This led to an argument between H and I SAT...an argument that should never have happened The convo should have been a short one and dropped...of course I didn't drop it but kept running in circles with it to the point that H finally exploded.

It all stemmed from the fact that I felt like I had let myself down horribly. I had promised myself that I would get a handle on my infernal question asking once and for all. This is the worse of my "same old" behaviours and the hardest one for me to deal with. I have TWO questions that I pursue relentlessly...the sitch occured that always brings one of them up and as soon as I felt it in my mind I was mortified and became so intensely angry and self-resentful that my hands were shaking!

Now, H had come home in a really good mood but immediately noticed the abrupt change in me. He asked me what was wrong but I couldn't answer, I was grinding my teeth so hard. I fled up to the comp in hopes I could unload it on the BB but all I could do was stare at the darn screen...couldn't form a single co-herent thought I went back downstairs and sat on the couch...H once again askes me what was wrong. After several minutes I finally told him that I was caught up in a WHOLE lot of resentment. H asked WHY...that was the wrong thing to ask because I proceeded to TRY to tell him. H didn't get it...couldn't understand that much self- anger I guess. When I tried an analogy I chose the wrong one...H got it then, or so he thought. I realized he was ASSuming the wrong thing and still not understanding me.

I let it drop...for a little bit. Since I felt that H was under the wrong impression (actually felt like he was calling me a liar), I tried to explain things again. It didn't work and we ended up yelling at each other Not a good thing because we ended up barely speaking the rest of the night.

I did try to aplogize in the form of finishing up some sewing that needed done on his uniforms. I think that helped some because we didn't go to bed mad but still...I wished that I could have just undone the whole evening and started back over again.

The whole episode led to the realiziation that I was trying to do too many different methods of DB'ing at once...most likely due to my reading and over-empathizing with other threads. I needed a break and I needed to get back to "keeping it simple" and working on ONE thing at a time.

So I have only ONE goal at the moment:
Get my incessant need to ask the same questions over and over again under control.
I will know that I am succeeding as that need wanes...the questions will no longer pop into my head and then out of my mouth involuntarily.
I have managed NOT to ask either of my 2 big questions for 3 days now.

I do have positives from the last few days but will post them later

Zoo