WAW and me in 11th hour!!!!

[jasper67]

I agree w/ Sandi and Rob...

You are over analyzing, and we have all done it, so just try to understand when you are doing i and give yourself a much needed break.

Glad that you have the PMA and were feeling comfortable at FIL BD dinner...those sitches can be difficult but sounds like you handled it well.

Keep up the good work, and remember you are the one w/ less confusion...dont further confuse yourself by trying to pry into her head...

[Ken62]

Thanks Sandi,

I do need to let that part go. I will never understand what is going on in her head so why do I keep beating myself up trying to?

FIL says that she is very reactionary right now. Just flying by the seat of her pants. She is not focused at all and I'm sure that she would pin that on her ADD.

Could be going dark for the longest period yet but FIL and GF are still here until Tuesday.

Thanks for letting me vent and for getting back to me. It really helps to keep me centered!

Ken

[Ken62]

Thanks maynard,

I need all the encouragement I can get right now. I know I'm doing the right thing and I just need to get out of trying to get in her head. I'll never get in there and I'll never understand it.

Ken

[Ken62]

Almost forgot the biggest news from yesterday. I had met a woman through work recently and she seemed really nice and we talked off and on and I found out more about her and we even had some friends in common in the local theater community.

So yesterday afternoon I got up the courage to call her at her office and left a voice mail message for her asking her if she was interested in going to see a play tonight because I had an extra ticket. I said that we would be going as friends because I am in the middle of ending my 24 year marriage and I am not in a position to date. I knew she was very busy and wasn't sure if she would get her voice mail so I also sent an e-mail to her asking the same thing. I also asked her if she was interested in going to another event this coming Friday with a group of people (again as friends).

Well I didn't hear anything back but at least I put it out there. I went to the restaurant early to put our names in and waited for everyone else to show up. While I was waiting she called my cell and said that she couldn't go tonight because she would be up in the mountains skiing but she would like to go on Friday night. I of course felt very good about this and really felt like I was GAL for myself and doing what I want to do.

In some ways I hope my W finds out about it but that is not important. Either she will or she wont but either way I'll be happy doing something with someone who doesn't know her or our past and hasn't known me very long. We can get to know each other and see if there is anything there or not but at least I will have a new friend to do things with. I'm really looking forward to it!

Thanks for listening,

Ken

[Ken62]

Went to the show Saturday night with a different lady friend and had a great time. She said that I definitely seem better and I just felt great the whole night!

Had to usher for a show last night (Sunday night) and the W was bartending for it too and brought FIL and GF to see the show. Didn't talk to W much and left once the show started because I had already seen it. W stayed with FIL and GF and watched the show.

W called this morning because she is filling out forms for work/insurance eligibility and had a few questions about our S. Talked about that and taxes (one month until they are due). She has a lot of free time and I have very little moving forward (what does that say?) She also complained about FIL and GF again and asked if they were causing any problems for me. I told her that it was fine and that they are at the house more than I am. She HATES that she keeps having to pick up the tab when they go out to eat and she even lied to them about her availability today because they are driving her nuts. Didn't have much sympathy for her but listened to her complaints. I think she liked having me around in the past as a buffer and someone to complain to about them but now she doesn't have that. Oh well!

Looking forward to Friday night!

Ken

[sandi2]

I will never understand what is going on in her head so why do I keep beating myself up trying to?

No, I doubt you would ever be able to understand her b/c I've been there and I have a hard time explaining. You are so focused on her, instead of getting a life of your own, and that keeps you constantly trying to figure her out. When you decide that you will enjoy life regardless of what she does, then you will get better faster.

Another reason it is hard to understand her is b/c this is so foreign to who she has been in the past, so you are trying to figure out what's going on in her mind. You just need to stop and decide what you will do for yourself....and "with" yourself. I don't mean that in a selfish way, but in a confident way.

[Ken62]

Hi Sandi,

Read the few posts above this one and you will see that I have made steps to GAL for myself and to detach from W. It has been very uplifting and made me extremely happy to let go and drop the rope. I just hope I can get it to last!

Ken

[Ken62]

Hi Sandi,

W stopped by last night after dinner with FIL and GF and D20 and after D20 headed back to college and FIL and GF started to pack we ended up having a 3 hour talk. It started out with her being upset about D20 who is very similar to her in personality. D20 was telling her things that she didn't want to hear and they just were on a different wave length. W also mentioned that she has started to remember the good times which made me think that she is coming out of the fog a little. I didn't get my hopes up and I played it cool. But I did see some positive signs over the 3 hours. I still feel that she sees the D happening and the annulment but I also believe that three months can be a long time and that some things can change and even if it does happen I think that we are on a path going forward that is at least in the right direction. I was able to tell her some of the things that she has done that have hurt me and she was able to tell me some things that I have done that have hurt her. At one point early on she said that what I was saying seemed "too aggressive" so I backed off because I didn't want to scare her away or make her feel pursued. She mentioned that lately I was coming across as aloof and she wondered what that was about. She took credit for some of it because she was asking me about things that she was taking from the house but she also asked if there was someone new in my life and I told her that yes there was. She said that she was happy for me and I want to believe her but I don't know if I really can. I told her that I wasn't sure what would happen going forward but that I was happier than I have been in a long time and people are starting to see that and commenting on it. She seemed to think that we would be seeing each other more often and she even mentioned that she had been wanting to ask me to do things recently but didn't because of my aloofness. She reminded me that these wouldn't be dates and I told her that it was important for her to tell me that so that I don't do or say the wrong thing. Overall our communication was very good (something that I told her we really needed to work on and that we weren't very good at in the past) and I also was able to tell her that she really needed to be able to express herself to me instead of assuming that I knew where she was coming from. She still thinks that we are on different wave lengths but not as far apart as we used to be so I feel that she is softening somewhat to me but I know that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I didn't bring up IC or MC or her moving back home or anything like that. I steered clear of the land mines as best I could and I would say that it was a pretty great three hour talk but I am still going to GAL and go out on Friday with my new lady friend and try and stay detached. All contact with W will still need to be initiated by her and we will see where it goes.

Thanks,

Ken

[Ken62]

Nothing much happening. Scheduled my second DB Coaching call with Chuck for Friday morning at 8. FIL and GF left yesterday morning (Tuesday). W called today to talk about insurance eligibility forms she is filling out for her job and I happen to be doing the same for my job at the same time.

Went to see our old pastor today and had a nice talk with him about D and annulment and he was able to clear up some things for me and we prayed to St. Patrick for help! W thinks that annulment can be a very healing process and I believe it can but it is also a very intrusive process and the pastor seemed to think that it could take 18 months but that it would probably be approved based on what I told him of our marriage. Between being pregnant when we were married and W's past sexual abuse and my not being very emotionally present for most of the marraige it shouldn't be a problem but he also said that if I don't want it that I don't have to participate or help pay for it. We will cross that bridge when and if we get to it.

Ken

[Ken62]

Had a good talk with DB Coach Chuck this morning and he said that it sounds like I'm doing pretty well and that my WAW may be moving forward pretty well also. He was NOT too thrilled about my going out with my new female friend even as friends. He said whether you call it dating or going out as friends that it is just semantics. I disagree with this because I think it sends a signal to my W that I am not waitig around for her. I am GAL and it may not include her and I am NOT waiting around for her so she can't count on me. He said to keep up the mystery and if she asks to do things together to only accept about 50% of them. This will tell her that I'm not always going to be available at her every whim and hopefully those times that we do spend together will be good memories for her. He said that I could also ask if she wants to do something but be prepared for a NO and I may or may not try that. I haven't decided yet.

The really odd thing that my W said this past Monday night while we were talking for 3 hours was the whole concept of "If you love something let it go..." She used it in the context of my having someone new in my life. Like she is letting me go. WTF???? Where does this logic come from? She is the one who wants to end this. How does she get to say that she loves me and is LETTING me go? This must be another of those WAW things I will NEVER understand. Any ideas Sandi?

She also mentioned that she is starting to remember more of the positive things from our past. Why would she say this? Chuck feels that she is starting to feel more comfortable around me and can share things with me but some of the things she shares seem to come out of left field and then at the end of the whole 3 hours she is back to talking about splitting up the Christmas ornaments and the photo albums somehow. It's like she is trying to remind me that this IS happening but Chuck said to smile a little on the inside because this is probably her trying to put herself back on course because things felt like she was getting a little confused. Don't know if that is true but it works for me!

Ken