Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
<<The email wasnt nice. And it was about my feelings, not looking for decisions or anything. Just my feelings and my thoughts. I know he is probably upset now, he came in and I faked sleeping just to allow him some room to breathe and not feel attacked by me. My plan for today is to be calm and sweet, just to show him that I dont want to allow the negatives to affect our process of "piecing".>>
hey Maria, a couple of us here suggested to perhaps postpone this discussion and work on your recurring feelings. However, you are at the front line and know best.....I hope. From my bird's eye view of your sitch across the pond, it appears that whenever there seems to be some positives in your relationship you feel compelled to share your (negative) feelings (usually about the past, not neccesarilly about the present and rarely about the future). In the precarious position that you guys are in, I have suggested to you to ask yourself (prior to sharing those feelings) what possible good can come out of this? How you would feel if the roles were reversed? Again it seems that you have this uncontrollable urge to talk about the affair. I will say it one more time (I believe a few others have as well), perhaps councelling is the way to go. First alone and then together.
<<I think we are still in friendship. Maybe moving to romance a little bit lately. God this takes forever!!!>> What is it they say? Good things come to those who wait? Perhaps you should wait before your next "feelings" exchange. You may be contributing to it taking forever.....just my two cents.....
I guess you could keep looking at it over and over but at some point it can stop you from moving ahead. I can't begin to explain how good it felt to just let go of some things. As soon as I did, doors seemed to open. I hope that they will for you too!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat... (sorry to hijack Maria, although I think this would be helpful for you too)... do you have any pointers to letting go? I'm at a similar place to Maria and I would love to be able to do that...
Hope I think those were : dissolve (spelling-word?) of negative feelings friendship romance recommitement
I think we are still in friendship. Maybe moving to romance a little bit lately. God this takes forever!!! K
I think she technically uses "reduction" of negative feelings. But either way, the idea is the same. And Maria is right.
Glad he is wanting you to talk to him more. That is definitely progress! Also glad you took the time to carefully write an e-mail that he could mull over. It sounds like a good method of communicating for you two right now!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Even though the divorce was done and I didn't want him back, I wasn't making space in my life for anything new. I was physically/mentally holding on to things. Mentally I had put our life together in a box and stored it away.
As for the physical, I gave him a bunch of clothes he had left behind. I got rid of books that were his and of no interest to me. Just the other day I deleted texts that he had sent a year or more ago. those are just a few examples. Just letting go...it really is about setting yourself free.
It is hard. I am not denying that. It happened and sometimes you aren't ever going to get any answers. I had to accept that. I am still a work in progress but really it feels good. I am even more proud of myself for not "destroying" these things and just passing them on. They are bound to be of use to someone out there. Hope that helps some.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I concur with John. It must be pretty hard for your H to be romantically drawn to you if you continue to make your negative feelings known. It is negative criticism to him and it probably makes him feel that he can do nothing right for you.
Maria....I've heard that some counselors suggest setting a time...or schedule...to take care of negative feelings that need to be discussed.
I concur with John et al. Pavlov's dogs heard the bell and began to salivate even when no food was given since they were conditioned to expect food at the tinkle.
Positive conditioning. Expectations that things are good when the bell (Maria) is present and the dog (hubby), salivates.
Didn't I say I wasn't going to post? LOL
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
