flowmom | need to commit to myself

[Butterfly1]

No advice here, just a lot of relating. You're not alone in all these things. ((FM)) Hugs and more hugs.:)

[flowmom]

I feel weird about my hope for reconciliation. Objectively, I don't see a justification for my hope. When I look at the sitches of folks in piecing, I see key differences...elements that were present in the early months that just aren't present here. I'm not seeing any reaching out from my WAH, any crack in the wall before me, any indication of uncertainty or confusion (about our M), any indication that he misses me/us. After two and a half months I think I should have seen some tiny sign that the door isn't closed. All I am seeing is H "managing" me...using his intimate knowledge of me to avoid pissing me off in the separation and D proceedings. And babysteps towards cooperating as coparents...as long as I follow H's agenda. But I can see that it's over for him. My guess is that the timeline that I assume he has will require me to address the D pretty soon. And that's really going to suck.

[Butterfly1]

LIsten, don't say that. Have you read my original thread? I didn't get any signs from H until nine months post bomb. And legal separation. STOP TELLING YOURSELF THIS NOW BECAUSE MY H WAS THROWING AROUND THE D WORD A LOT IN THE BEGINNING. He uses the words "if we reconsile" a lot more now

I'm just checking in on your thread (you are a popular girl!). BUt I echo citygirl and Kalni and rr. You reaaaaalllly need to set a boundary with his complaining. In your own mind. It's hard. I'm still doing it - my H still complains and it's been a year. Then he bought a plane. It's not as tough as they want us to think it is.

And how about some recognition on how hard this is on you?

When you were together, finances and childcare were an issue to tackle together. Now that he has chosen to leave, YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE YOUR CONCERN. NOT HIM. HIS STRESS, HIS FINANCES - ALL HIM. He HAS to see the consequences of being D. He has to experience it. Be tough on him!!!

And you know if you think he's planning a D, his alimony will be less if you are making more money. So if he's thinking about this - get real about it. I'd advise not getting more work until a settlement is legal and in your favor as an at home mom. SEriously, I just went through it. I knew I'd need a job if H divorces me, but I made sure I could survive if I didn't because I'm an at home mom. And that meant that when we went through the lawyers negotiating a settlement, H was the breadwinner and I was the main caregiver. Then I got more financial support.


Sorry to be paranoid and tough - but I'm very worried he's manipulating you into trying to agree to receive less alimony and give him more custody time when D time rolls around.

I don't think you will necessarily get to D, I'm saying, prepare for the worse while hoping for the best!!!!

((FM))

[Kalni]

Dont say that, I agree with Hope4Love. My H was happily living "one of the strogest loves of his life" with a desperate blond that was determined to have him, deep in fog and for a few months (note=the ones he STILL lived with us) completely detached from me.
Most of the people here, will not get to piecing. It's a fact. In some cases, I can tell you who will not, but I cant tell you for sure who will. I think it is still too early to sense what's going on with your H. I may have missed things about your past together. I still think there is a distraction involved, not necessarily a PA but something, something is off and I cant put my finger on it.

If the stories here cleared in 2-3 months this forum would be "dead". It takes a lot of time.
K

[Kalni]

Tonight after lights out when I was still in their bedroom, D3 was talking about being scared of ghosts . Also a new thing around here.

I think I'm seeing signs that the 2 overnights in a row are hard on the kids. But I don't think I can tackle this with H on my own. Lots of hesitations about getting professional help with coparenting though. Definitely lots of D talk involved, and my DB coach warned against that. I need to let things settle more until I feel more clear.

You are the mom, you know best. I dont see that in what you are writing though. It is a change for them. Changes always have some impact, even good changes. When I take my kids out late, when we have fun but change our daily schedule, we suffer the hang over effect the next couple of days, dont you?

Listen, your RESPONSIBILITY and DUTY is to make this EASIER for them. Kids suffer enough during this phase when their parents separate/divorce etc. Parents are IMO, 100% responsible about how they make their kids see this transtion phase. I failed by 80%. I know that now.

Look at people that did/are doing a good job around here, check out KerryK, John210 and many more... Those that didnt have whacko spouses and handled it with their kid's best inetrest in mind, managed to minimize the effect and are raising kids that are complete and not miserable.

Look deep inside and if you are confident it's them that you are trying to protect, do what you have to.
K

[Cautious]

flow, you're a strong woman. You will ultimately decide what is right for you. I know that I suffered through this whole process, mostly because I was getting the mixed signals from ExCautious... then D-day was like just an errand we had to run together.

Everything seemed scary to me until I experienced it. Now I'm pretty sure I can get through (nearly) anything. I just had to decide definitely - unwaveringly - what my core values are. Then I had to act them out, no matter how hard it was. It was easier once I believed it was the right thing to do.

If the overnights are tough, try it out a couple of weeks (just like any new DB strategy) and if you still have concerns, ask H if you can talk openly about those concerns. If it turns into an argument, you can always walk away and reconvene. Don't start a tug of war if you don't have to.

Just my opinion. (((flowmom)))

[flowmom]

H4L, if I'm a popular girl here...does that make up for being the "wierdo" for 13 years in school?

Kalni and H4L, thanks for your comments on hope for reconciliation. You're right that it's too early to know for sure. I have looked at both of your threads early in your sitches and I see a LOT of differences...you were being confronted with very difficult things with your Hs (worse than I am right now), but your Hs also seemed to show more confusion and doubt, and be more willing to share things (meals, etc.) with you. I know I can't compare my sitch with either of yours...I know that. But I guess I've been looking for patterns, and haven't felt reassured. I know that most on this forum won't get to piecing. I am very grateful that both piecers and people on or past the D path chime into my thread...both perspectives are so valuable to me.

I still think there is a distraction involved, not necessarily a PA but something, something is off and I cant put my finger on it.

That would come as a horrible shock, but not a surprise to me. H is not a bad person, but I know that he can lie and compartmentalize.

I haven't given up on DBing, but I see it more as smoothing things for coparenting and maintaining my dignity than fighting for my M...

[flowmom]

Changes always have some impact, even good changes. When I take my kids out late, when we have fun but change our daily schedule, we suffer the hang over effect the next couple of days, dont you?

We don't take our kids out late ...they just don't seem to have the resilience to cope with it. Maybe maybe it's we parents who don't have the resilience. Anyway, you're right that changes have impacts. It's a good reminder. I am going to give myself some time to evaluate and wait for my gut to tell me what is going on if I can hear it above the din of my anxiety.

[newmama]

Flow, I think I see your point about involving the professionals too much can lead to more D talk.

I think you let it go for awhile because you did say you would evaluate after a month, right?

And what is this nonsense about seeing no hope for your sitch? You expect R to happen after 2-3 months??? I hope it won't take 12 months+ (like me!) but you started DBing almost right away!!!

[rockedworld]

I haven't given up on DBing, but I see it more as smoothing things for coparenting and maintaining my dignity than fighting for my M...

That is probably a good approach for you right now Flo. This is a short term goal that is reachable, and will help both you and H feel less pressure about the long term. It is early for you both in this sitch, and taking things one day at a time is probably better for you. ((Flo))