The tunnel of darkness

[lost1234]

thank you so much!

he has been using androgel since mid sept 09...has "calmed" him a bit but definately not enough...unfortunately it does not seem to have helped the depression.

its a long story...however we believe(ME AND H) the depression has been going on for quite some time...several years. when he took previous a/d, nothing seemed to help. Cymbalta calmed him a bit but then he seemed to level out and then actually got worse...hence the bloodwork that discovered the low t.

im hoping the elavil helps to some degree with the sleep...chronic back pain and naturally the depression. i wonder if the dr thinks that also as even though he has had in detail conversations with both h and i present about it all...including mlc...h seems in denial about the majority of the problem as a whole!

btw, i just read ALL of your threads...wow, what a woman is all i can say right now...

thanks again for your help!

[kjensen]

Glad I could be of help, Lost.

H stopped in yesterday after taking D14 shopping. He came upstairs to the bedroom and got some spring clothes he'd left. I asked if he wanted his ties-he siad he'd get them another time.

So today after dropping D12 off at home he came and got the rest of his stuff out of our closet(ties, hats..) and emailed me that he'd done that.

He hasn't cleared out his nightstand or taken his golf clubs..just odd the things he's getting all of a sudden. I really think he's not coming back to me. I think he's still in the MLC fog..but I really can't see him being with me, or me being married to him, as he is. He seems like a stranger more and more..there's no spark, no happiness, no love.

Just sad about it, but I'm moving on. Kind of just wish this whole divorce was over and done, then I think maybe what has happened will really sink in with H. Maybe I wouldn't feel in limbo...

Funnily, H set up the kids college accounts to be "fed" by the money market $$ his lawyer wants us to split..this was what H and I had originally talked about..I don't think H has told his lawyer he did this..but its what should have been done to begin with!
Just so weird.

[lost1234]

Im sorry to hear that...my h has everything still here but his cloths shoes and toiletries! what a butt!!!

im glad you are able to be so strong! im envious! everytime i think im doing well...i seem to crash.

h also told me today that the dr took him off of the elavil and has put him on prozac...he told me why but i cant remember...sorry!

he is in the lowest dose...i thought prozac was pretty much only for anxiety and depression. if i am wrong and he may be on it for something else...could you clue me in??

i know there is no miracle pill for any of this...however, the symptoms of such a major depression is what scares me...maybe even more than the mlc.an a/d could help with many of his issues although not all...i try to be positive!

he shows most of the classic signs of mlc...severe depression even more...i think this is why i worry so much and still have trouble detaching completely! the depression is an illness...heaven forbid, if it were his heart...or cancer i wouldnt run away from it...nor do i feel i should now...i try so damn hard to be supportive and the such it is just soooo frustrating!

[kjensen]

Hi Lost,
Prozac is one of the antidepressants that affect the neurotransmitter serotonin...so maybe H's doctor felt H neeed a diferent a/d..usually the doses are started low and titrated upwards to avoid side effects. Stll, they all take about 3 weeks to build up to levels that will affect mood.

It sometimes takes a trial of several antidepressants to find the right fit. The fact that your H is still going to the doctor and actively trying to help is depression is a big plus. My H gave up on that(doesn't believe in drugs...married to a pharmacist..go figure).

There is something to be said about the placebo affect...if H believes these medications will help, they may be more likely to help...

There's new research looking at what really is underlying depression and it may not be just the neurotransmitter levels that we currently treat now..but the neuron pathways that need to be rebuilt..anyway..still lots to learn about depression in the medical community. I'm sure there will be new treatments down the road...

Living with a depressed person is really hard..hard to be supportive and be rebuffed, hard to not get sucked into the sadness vortex...hard to 'put on a happy face'...but keep at it. It does get better and the detachment comes with lots of practice...focus on what YOU have, on what makes YOU happy.

Its hard to feel like you are turning away from a loved one in pain. But you are not. You love your H, but you can't fix his depression. You can love him with healthy detachment and support his choices that are helping him feel better without feeling responsible. Because YOU are not responsible for where he is. He has his own journey right now.

Sometimes there's nothing else to do in order to survive and help your kids..You need to be the lighthouse and keep your light on. You're doing fine!

[lost1234]

thank you !

even if it is able to help him a little bit...all i am hoping for, so HE can start to feel better.

[lost1234]

hi KJ!

I have talked to a few friends about prozac...all have had the same to say...that it is a strong drug.whoa! is there any truth behind that?

I hope you are doing well! it is going to be about 70 degrees here today! yeah! myself and my sil are taking the girls to the zoo!

hugs!

[kjensen]

Hi Lost,
I really don't consider Prozac and "stronger" than any other antidepressant. It may work for some and not others. The dose that works for some people varies with others. As with any medication, I think the physician ordering it needs to stay involved and get feedback from the patient throughout treatment..

Hope the zoo was fun! Sounds like great weather!

We had a good snow here yesterday, but today was sunny and much of it has melted. Tomorrow should be armer(50-60!) D14 left for Disney World with the H.S. Marching band..so D12 and I are going to take a snowboard lesson tomorrow.

H is sending more emails..friendly in tone..mostly about the kids, but not always..wishing me a safe drive yesterday..

I'm at a place where I am letting go more and more, emotionally. Doing a lot of inner work and thought on everything that's happened. Getting a lot of the same messages from different sources-so that affirming!

Planning to have a great spring break. Looking forward to Spring!

[kjensen]

Well spring break is here..weather was great yesterday-D12 and I took our first snowboarding lesson and had a great time. Supposed to get almost 2 feet of snow between tonight and tomorrow! So much for the 60 degree weather I thought we'd have this week...

H emailed me yesterday that he wanted to spend time with D12. I responded with our few plans we had for the rest of the week and that H could see or spend time with the girls anytime. His response was "Really??"

I have no response and will not respond to his one-word email.

Makes me sad. H's lawyer is wanting H to basically get half my monthly pay for the next 3 years under the justification that H stayed home with the girls so I could further my career for the last 12 years...which I will vent here - is truly garbage, and not based on reality.

The whole premise that H was purely a stay-at-home dad, unable to build his business(he never advertised!), doing what stay-at-home mom's do is so far from the truth. H probably made dinner 20 times in 8 years, maybe..He didn't clean the house, but did do laundry..I became the breadwinner which allowed H to indulge in his dream of having his own business, which I really believed in..he was there when the kids came home from school when they were litle, but after awhile, his client meetings would happen at anytime..and the girls would fend for themselves. I would take time off work to take the girls to doctor appointments the last few years he lived with us, because if I asked him if he could do it, I would be disrespecting his career.

The rewriting of history has always gotten to me, but when it comes out of a lawyer's office I just feel ill.

I'm going to have to pay alot of money for an expert to evaluate what H could be making in his business...money that I don't have. This all just makes me stressed and sick.

I'm trying to really strengthen my compassionate thinking. Trying not to see H as the enemy, but when I feel threatened it is so hard. Just very sad about how this divorce is going(so far from what H said it would be like...that he didn't want anything...blah blah blah).

I'm having a hard time seeing any possible future with H after going through this divorce where I and the girls will end up losing so much(financially, emotionally, not to mention time with the girls). I just can't see how people get past this kind of stuff although I'm still trying.

[trustingfaith]

So are you taking off work this week, too? I'm glad you get to spend some time with your D12!

I can imagine all that rewriting of history does make you feel ill. Do you think it is your H behind it all or the L trying to bargain as much out as he can? Is your L helpful in anything to counter with? Uggh. So sorry!

((((hugs)))

[kjensen]

I'm off through 3/30. I have to ask for vacaton a year ahead of time and have always asked for the time of the kids' spring break off, so that we could go somewhere as a family.

About the rewriting..I guess I imagined that H gave his version of the history to his lawyer. But it seems somewhat embellished from anything I've heard H describe. H never told me that he was home so I could further my career(which as a pharmacist, there's not much to further, unless I go back to school!) The length of time that H stayed home has been exagerrated..so I think some of it must be from his lawyer.

My lawyer sent our counteroffer to H's lawyer today. In it he states that I do not agree with H's version of history...that I'm solely supporting the girls right now..I think it was a well-crafted response. I just feel H's lawyer is one of those guys that tries to play hard-ball and rack up fees in the process. Not the kind of process H had said he'd want for a divorce...but its what he has.

With the snowstorm we're getting, I told D12 we may not drive to Moab on Sunday..it would depend on the roads. I also said I wasn't sure what I could afford right now since I need to pay some money to my lawyer..she got upset and went on a rant how her dad screwed everything up, how we lived in a great neighborhood, in a great house and had money to do things and now we live in a small condo and are broke...she had alot of anger towards H..I just listened. I don't feel like defending H to his children anymore or making excuses. I defended him all of last year and H got his second chance with the girls and blew it with D12 when he moved out again.

Its sad that H hasn't tried to really talk to D12, but I don't think he has a clue about the effects this as all had on the girls,even though D12 has at least shared her anger with him...

So H just called, to check on me and D12 since the roads are getting bad. He thought if we were out he could pick us up since my rental car probably can't handle this snow too well. It was nice of him to call-very unexpected-haven't talked to him in a long time it seems.. Funny he had no clue we were going to get this storm-he really doesn't pay attention to the news anymore(except financial news). Still in a fog...and now snowstorm!