help me to get a grasp...part two...

[kjensen]

Hi Lost,
Haven't read all of your posts but thought I'd chime in the last few pages...My H, too, seemed over the last few year in particular, to have a lot of health issues for a really healthy guy..colds/shoulder pain, jammed finger with lingering pain..not sure if its related to his depression which I think he's had now for several years(runs in his family too). People who are depressed are much less tolerant of pain and depression can manifest itself as physical pain. So antidepressants may help!

When my H asked for a divorce in May 2009, he really thought he and OW were soulmates and had a future together...She dumped him 2 days later and he started opening up to me. We had started a communication class a few weeks prior to this and H was very resistant to going but his IC had recommended it-so he tried it with me. H really liked our instructor and H actually brought up the idea of MC with the insructor and initiated the MC himself. I was so hopeful!

I'm not sure how well MC with a MLCer works...I think in my case my H wasn't ready and pulled back and stopped doing the homework the MC assigned...then asked(again) and filed for a divorce 6 months into the MC.

Looking back, I think I got something out of it, but our marriage didn't. It feels to me now that H was playing a role and wasn't really there participating fully. I think when H felt that our communication wasn't improving he used that as a mental excuse that our marriage was doomed..Never acknowledging that he really didn't put the effort in that was needed. He showed up but didn't do the work needed.

I think it may have harmed us in that H now thinks we tried everything and it didn't work..so the only choice is to divorce. Our MC actually thought our only real problem was some differences in communication styles-no major red flags in our marriage. I guess its all how you perceive things-the filters you see through.

So , as much as you might think MC will help..if your H doesn't want it, or waffles about it..let it go for now. Its of more benefit when they come out of MLC...I think it works great for traditional problems and when you are to the piecing part, rebuilding trust..but while they are still going through the spin of MLC it doesn't really matter-just from my experience.