NEON RED is GO for Launch!

[Zoo]

Hi SHiny! Heckuva party last night, eh?

I am 38 years young!! I'm also lucky enough to have the genetic predisposition toward looking younger then I am I always think it is hilarious when people see H and I and assume he is the older of the two. H is five years younger than I and gets kind of annoyed when folks get it wrong

I do think that the past several months have aged me though...a year ago people guessed me to be about 25...now they guess me to be about 30 I reckon it is because of all these worry lines I have on my forehead and around my eyes

It seems as though this week is all about talking with H and I. The poor man has got to think I'm on the verge of cracking up or something Actually he is showing a great deal of patience with me which I am most grateful for. I guess I just have alot of stuff to get off my mind.

We have gotten to the point where discussion of the A has become acceptable as long as the context is kept in the past tense and reference is made casually. Some discussion of A occured today.

H is entering the time of year where his work hours are long which is unavoidable. H also is working weekends which is a rare occurence during the rest of the year as a rule. H used this holiday work scenario to perpetuate the A though and that is something that is very difficult for me to set aside.

I explained this to H today. I told him that I was having problems dealing with the thoughts that were occurring in my mind and that having these thoughts were making me angry. I told him that I needed help with this thought struggle. I said that common sense tells me that I need to just push them away...that all of that is in the past... but the memories were still there and my brain was making the correlation between those memories and his current work schedule. It was all just too eerily familiar I said that I was by no means being accusatory but I was very worried that I might just end up running down that path.

H said that he didn't really know how to help me with this. He told me he knew that this was a hard time for me but his best advice was to push it away and not dwell on it. He said "hon, things are going great between us and you really have nothing to worry about. That stuff is all in the past and is never going to happen again". He also said that if I started down the accusatory path he would let me know and he would try not to get upset by it.

To be honest, I don't know if I got anything out of the convo at all other then relief that I was able to say those things and not make H angry. Even his reassurances do not change the fact that I am going to be struggling with this up until Christmas I am terrified that even though H and I have been able to talk about this stuff and get it out into the open that somewhere along the line he will just get totally fed up with the whole thing

This is a war I am waging with myself and find it to be a perfect cheeseless tunnel that I recognize but am just too stupid to give up on Can we say stubborn?! I find myself avoiding doing my everday tasks because they leave just enough brain space available for me to start obsessing. None of my usual methods of distracting myself are working right now...the associations just seem to be overwhelming

Enough! Enough! "Out damn Spot..."

One really shocking thing happened today...I found out that H was jealous of a male friend of mine? I believe I wrote about this friend on nightshades thread awhile back. An EA was starting to develope there and was snuffed when realized. Mf and I still talk once in awhile but nothing like before. I told H about the whole sitch and H understood it. It never once dawned on me that H might be jealous though.

H has made the occasional off-hand remark about my "BF" but I thought he was just teasing "ha-ha", ya know? I got the phone bill today and H noted a call to MF and made a smart- aleck remark about it...something about his tone and phrasing got my attention this time. I thought about it a bit then asked H if he was jealous. H said yes he was...not dwelling, sleepless nights jealous but as jealous as any guy might be knowing his W was talking to a guy she has admitted she could have had a "thing" with.

I must admit the whole thing made me smile H has NEVER exhibited any form of jealousy since we have been married. Maybe once way back when we dated the first time but nothing since then. Granted, I probably have never given him any reason to be jealous before but still...
His whole acceptance of the "almost EA" with nary a voiced concern nor outward sign of disapproval just led me to believe he really didn't care about it.

SOmething came up last night too. We were watching something on TV (can't remember what) and the issue of attractiveness came up. I mentioned to H you know, I don't think nor can I remember you ever telling me I was attactive. H said that yes, he had...lotsa times. I told him no, you have always said "you're ok to look at or not bad" . I told him that it was kind of strange because, while I realize that I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, I have been told by plenty of guys that I'm attractive, cute (I HATE cute!) and HOT H tells me how could I not realize he thought I was attractive, I think you're beautiful hon, do you think I would have married you if I thought you were ugly? . I rolled my eyes at him over that one (I've seen the women he has gone out with in the past, including OW)...he said "you know what I mean" then he grins this big stupid grin at me.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to figure him out

I guess I have rambled enough for now...
Zoo