Quote: Bad Zoo, now you will go to sleep when H gets home!
DId exactly that Pam...H got home, said he wasn't going to work ( he said more but I'm gonna be nice ) so we went in and laid down. Had a slight disagreement both of us being tired at the same time was not conducive to a good convo
We were both out by 7:30...can you believe it? I was up off and on thru the night but H slept until 11:00 am today!
H and I talked a great deal today before he went to work. I was feeling majorly awkward pretty much all week long. H's body language and words were conflicting with each other and had me pretty confused
I have pretty much had a week where it felt like my feelings were getting trammeled everytime I turned around. H has been irritable all week so it seemed like it didn't matter what I said I was getting my head bit off pretty regularly.
Well I got a partial explanation for my "misery feeling" yesterday. Had a seizure in my sleep...didn't know it til my parents came over and I started talking. I usually get pretty moody right before I have one but I have a tendency towards irritation rather then "woe is me" so not real sure what was up with that?
I decide to tell H about how I was feeling...using the previously proven method as my guide H listened ! H validated my feelings and told me he was sorry...he just has had so much on his mind right now and on top of being tired all of the time he just wasn't feeling like his usaul self.
I validated H's feelings and felt much better afterwards. I'll tell you though...this communicating thing is wearing on a body
Hopefully this weekend will be a little better. H has to work tomorrow so that won't be any fun but maybe SUnday?
Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I am 38 years young!! I'm also lucky enough to have the genetic predisposition toward looking younger then I am I always think it is hilarious when people see H and I and assume he is the older of the two. H is five years younger than I and gets kind of annoyed when folks get it wrong
I do think that the past several months have aged me though...a year ago people guessed me to be about 25...now they guess me to be about 30 I reckon it is because of all these worry lines I have on my forehead and around my eyes
It seems as though this week is all about talking with H and I. The poor man has got to think I'm on the verge of cracking up or something Actually he is showing a great deal of patience with me which I am most grateful for. I guess I just have alot of stuff to get off my mind.
We have gotten to the point where discussion of the A has become acceptable as long as the context is kept in the past tense and reference is made casually. Some discussion of A occured today.
H is entering the time of year where his work hours are long which is unavoidable. H also is working weekends which is a rare occurence during the rest of the year as a rule. H used this holiday work scenario to perpetuate the A though and that is something that is very difficult for me to set aside.
I explained this to H today. I told him that I was having problems dealing with the thoughts that were occurring in my mind and that having these thoughts were making me angry. I told him that I needed help with this thought struggle. I said that common sense tells me that I need to just push them away...that all of that is in the past... but the memories were still there and my brain was making the correlation between those memories and his current work schedule. It was all just too eerily familiar I said that I was by no means being accusatory but I was very worried that I might just end up running down that path.
H said that he didn't really know how to help me with this. He told me he knew that this was a hard time for me but his best advice was to push it away and not dwell on it. He said "hon, things are going great between us and you really have nothing to worry about. That stuff is all in the past and is never going to happen again". He also said that if I started down the accusatory path he would let me know and he would try not to get upset by it.
To be honest, I don't know if I got anything out of the convo at all other then relief that I was able to say those things and not make H angry. Even his reassurances do not change the fact that I am going to be struggling with this up until Christmas I am terrified that even though H and I have been able to talk about this stuff and get it out into the open that somewhere along the line he will just get totally fed up with the whole thing
This is a war I am waging with myself and find it to be a perfect cheeseless tunnel that I recognize but am just too stupid to give up on Can we say stubborn?! I find myself avoiding doing my everday tasks because they leave just enough brain space available for me to start obsessing. None of my usual methods of distracting myself are working right now...the associations just seem to be overwhelming
Enough! Enough! "Out damn Spot..."
One really shocking thing happened today...I found out that H was jealous of a male friend of mine? I believe I wrote about this friend on nightshades thread awhile back. An EA was starting to develope there and was snuffed when realized. Mf and I still talk once in awhile but nothing like before. I told H about the whole sitch and H understood it. It never once dawned on me that H might be jealous though.
H has made the occasional off-hand remark about my "BF" but I thought he was just teasing "ha-ha", ya know? I got the phone bill today and H noted a call to MF and made a smart- aleck remark about it...something about his tone and phrasing got my attention this time. I thought about it a bit then asked H if he was jealous. H said yes he was...not dwelling, sleepless nights jealous but as jealous as any guy might be knowing his W was talking to a guy she has admitted she could have had a "thing" with.
I must admit the whole thing made me smile H has NEVER exhibited any form of jealousy since we have been married. Maybe once way back when we dated the first time but nothing since then. Granted, I probably have never given him any reason to be jealous before but still... His whole acceptance of the "almost EA" with nary a voiced concern nor outward sign of disapproval just led me to believe he really didn't care about it.
SOmething came up last night too. We were watching something on TV (can't remember what) and the issue of attractiveness came up. I mentioned to H you know, I don't think nor can I remember you ever telling me I was attactive. H said that yes, he had...lotsa times. I told him no, you have always said "you're ok to look at or not bad" . I told him that it was kind of strange because, while I realize that I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, I have been told by plenty of guys that I'm attractive, cute (I HATE cute!) and HOT H tells me how could I not realize he thought I was attractive, I think you're beautiful hon, do you think I would have married you if I thought you were ugly? . I rolled my eyes at him over that one (I've seen the women he has gone out with in the past, including OW)...he said "you know what I mean" then he grins this big stupid grin at me.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to figure him out
I guess I have rambled enough for now... Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
LOL! My H is the same way about compliments...if I ask how do I look, he says..you look fine... whether I am in a dirty pair of blue jeans and sweatshirt or in a little black dress and heels! Some men are just like that...and he's right, he wouldn't have married you if he didn't think you were beautiful! Obviously, he finds you beautiful inside and out! Don't make that a cheeseless tunnel! I had to quit trying to get h to tell me I was hot and/or beautiful or looked great...and just accept that he does find me attractive and expresses it in a different way. Can you figure out how your H expresses his attraction to you? Is it through physical touches? Is it gifts? Is it acts of service? Once you figure it out, then you can tell yourself things like...Oh, he's mowing the lawn because he wants our home to be nice because he loves me and thinks I'm sexy! LOL....sounds silly, but it works for me, so why not give it a try?
You and my W should get together. She's 38 too and is looking as good as the day we got married. It's making our troubles even harder for me because she looks SOOOOOOO GOOOOD! I'm sure you're just as beautiful.
Yeah...H thinks I should just KNOW those types of things. We are trying to do better communication- wise in letting each other know how best to meet one another's needs. It feels weird is all I can say THis might account for a bit of the awkwardness I felt last week...we were talking in a way that was fairly alien to the both of us. I have always felt that I was a pretty plain-spoken ,open individual...guess I was a bit off the mark in regards to my M in that area
Thanks, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Well...the B'day thing had it's ups and downs H came home from work early ...H spent the night on the comp
H and Zoo got a little frisky ... H wouldn't wake up Sun:(
H was dragging his feet all day Sun ... H and I finally get out of the house ... H later informs me he didn't want to leave the house:(
I get pretty darn upset:(... H apologises and finally (?) understands it would have been better to tell me in the first place rather then wait until we were in a public place
The rest of Sun was spent in a fairly harmonious manner. I would have liked things to have been better then what they were but then again...they could have been a whole lot worse
Hugz Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
) so we went in and laid down. Had a slight disagreement 
both of us being tired at the same time was not conducive to a good convo 
H listened ! 
H validated my feelings and told me he was sorry...he just has had so much on his mind right now and on top of being tired all of the time he just wasn't feeling like his usaul self.
... H wouldn't wake up Sun:(