Learning to be happy alone

[gatsby11]

Hello all,

I visited this website for the first time a few days after my husband and I separated (he initiated) and really wanted to save my marriage. Now, 2 months later, I'm trying to focus on being happy by myself and with my unborn baby. Maybe we'll get back together, but maybe not. (Can't make him do anything!)

I came back around to this site a week ago because I happened to put the right word combination into google to find a thread posted here. And now I'm back. Not sure I'm exactly a "divorce buster" though. I'd like to be a "relationship restorer" whether a divorce occurs or not.

So, details. Some you can get from my signature below. But here's the rest. First-- solid marriage, in my opinion. We always talked about our compatibility and worked through difficult issues calmly through discussion. We called ourselves best friends, and we both meant it.

The pregnancy was planned. He was never very excited about it, but he was okay. Had always talked about kids as a future thing, but was a little nervous about the here-and-now. We did accidentally get pregnant a little earlier than we had planned. (I went through a phase where I was convinced I was infertile, so I went off the pill and then. . . pregnant!)

Once we knew I was pregnant, he started pulling back. I figured he just needed time to deal with the pregnancy, so I gave him space. Perhaps I was in denial because now that I look back, I see that he was dropping hints about what he was thinking. I just didn't get it. We (or I) thought he was depressed, maybe bipolar, and having difficulty dealing with the pregnancy. So we got him in to see a therapist.

Six days after seeing the therapist (right before he was due to go back) he expressed clearly enough that I understood for the first time that he didn't want to be together anymore. I had thought this was all about the pregnancy up until this day. We spent two days in the apartment sleeping in different locations before it got to the point that I started staying with friends. He was staying out late, not returning texts, and was really making it difficult for me to be in the apartment. Finally, we agreed that I would stay with his sister (we're close) for a month.

During that month, he was drunk most of the time, made out with a coworker (an OW? I don't know. He says no, but I'm not that naive), and was someone I didn't know at all. We met a few times to talk, but the discussions just sent us further apart.

We went to couples therapy once (he didn't want to save the marriage, but agreed to talk), but the therapist told us she didn't think we were in a place to be in couples therapy. (Basically, when one person doesn't want to save the marriage, what else can they do?) So I got my own therapist and made plans for my own apartment.

Now I have been in my apartment for three weeks. I really like my place-- very calm and peaceful. It helped my state of mind to be able to create my own place. I like to think of my time at his sister's as my time of grieving and despair. But in my new place, it's a time of rejuvenation and renewal. It has also helped that we've been NC for a little over two weeks. Being away from his crisis has helped me be calmer and more peaceful. (Plus, a little watching of Dog Whisperer! :))

I saw that he had been diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. He didn't tell me, but he left the paper out at our apartment and I saw it as I was packing up. He tried to tell me in couples therapy that the adjustment was about the pregnancy, but additionally, he just didn't want to be with me. Hard to say since his mind is so messed up.

I'm posting here to discuss with others who have gone through/ are going through a similar situation. Community helps, that's all I know. I feel like I've come through the worst already, but every day has its ups and downs. (Just yesterday, after I completed my baby registry, I went to the store bathroom and cried that he wasn't with me!) But I am getting better day by day.

Please respond if you have advice, a similar story, or sage insight. Thanks.

[Babydoll]

Good for you!!!! Be proud of yourself. I know how hard it is try peel yourself off of the floor and put your happiness first! But remember you deserve it! and so does your baby. I decided to register the day after i was served with papers...

We owe it to ourselved and to our babies to enjoy this pregnancy and prepare for the arrival of our little ones. Makes me sad to think he stripped that away from me... but we have to take that right back and well... just do things differently!

be strong... i wish you all of the best...

[newmama]

Once we knew I was pregnant, he started pulling back. I figured he just needed time to deal with the pregnancy, so I gave him space. Perhaps I was in denial because now that I look back, I see that he was dropping hints about what he was thinking. I just didn't get it. We (or I) thought he was depressed, maybe bipolar, and having difficulty dealing with the pregnancy. So we got him in to see a therapist.

This was EXACTLY how my WH acted when we found out I was pregnant on Halloween 08! And then turns out there was an OW. I really hoped it was because he was mentally ill or going through an MLC (but now from the boards I see that those things are just as tough as an A)

Anway sounds like in your case, your H has an attachment disorder? Might be freaked out about being a dad.

You sound so calm with a baby due in a couple of months! I will share some weird silver linings to not being together with your H during your baby's initial few months of life:

1)you don't have to worry about giving your H attention
2)you don't have to worry about giving your H sex when you are sleep deprived, covered in breastmilk and spit up, and trying to just deal
3)you don't have to care about anything else except you and baby

BUT my WH did visit daily and would spend time helping to comfort and feed the baby. This did help.

However, if your H isn't around or jumps ship, please do your best to get someone to help relieve you from time to time so you can have a break. The first 3 months are super hard. I felt lonely so much of the time.

It gets so much better by age 5-6 months and is getting fun right now (8 months)!

Will you have financial support? Will you be staying home or working? Do you have family helping you?

[4luv]

My husband also first started distancing himself while I was 6 months pregnant but it was also at the time that we first moved in together...we were long distance for the first 4 months of our marriage and got pregnant on the honeymoon. I also was told by the doc that I would have a hard time getting pregnant due to my fibroids but go figure I get pregnant with no problem.

Newmama is full of inspiration with how she has handled her stitch. I am just getting to the point of being happy alone. I moved out 3 weeks ago and am just still getting off the rollercoaster with husband :-)

Sounds like you are doing great. Congrats on the new apartment and you really did well doing the baby registry alone. I would have also cried but good that you got it out and then moved on with the rest of your day.

I agree that the first 3 months are difficult but what got me through was knowing that it was ONLY 3 months. My son was colicky which made things tricky but now it is a distant memory and he will be turning 1 next month :-)

[Piano]

Gatsby, thankyou for posting your story... You are very strong - good on you, and you'll lots of support here! It sounds like having your own place has been important in rebuilding.

Do you plan to do NC for long?

Is your H in any shape to eventually get involved?

I think NM is right - there has to be some benefits of doing this alone. As I shop for baby things, at least I don't have to drag someone along kicking and screaming, or argue over what to purchase!!

[gatsby11]

Hey guys,

Thanks for responding. I am okay by myself financially right now, but a divorce with child support is my main method for financial security once the baby is born. That's why I sort of have to push this divorce through. (There's no legal separation in my state.)

I had always planned on working 35 hours a week, and I'm hoping to keep that schedule. I love my job, fortunately. It's been another source of peace during this crazy time!

My mom and aunt are here right now, so I do have family support. I even have his family's support, fortunately. Not that they don't support or love him, but they do think he's in the wrong.

At this point, I'd like to do NC longer. It really helps me because when I see or interact with him, it sends me down the tubes! So I think I need a bit more NC to be able to do this divorce without being an emotional wreck. But I want to work with him in the divorce, so contact will have to start sometime soon. Plus, I have to coordinate taxes a bit! Our only contact for most of the past two months has been logistical anyway, so I guess I'll have to start that again. Or I might go through a 3rd party like his sister. Not really sure.

I hope that at some point he will want to interact with the baby. I'm glad to hear, newmama, that your WH visited daily. (What does the W stand for? I assume "wandering" or something like that? :)) I don't know if I could get mine to visit that much, but even once a week would be good.

Also, thanks newmama for showing me the benefits. I actually feel them already!

I'm very interested in your stories, so I'll try to find your original threads. Thanks!

[newmama]

Gatsby, the downside to W(ayward) H visiting was well, seeing WH! The benefit was the relief. I don't have good family support so I really was/am alone without WH visiting to take care of S. Since you do have good support, you will be in good shape!!!

It's awesome that you love your job! I can't wait to go back to work! I had to let my work know by March 1 2009 if I was coming back or not the next school year (they are holding a place for me for the 2010-11 year). Well at that time, I was thinking WH and I were in the process of reconciling so I said no. Once I found out otherwise, I thought that the benefit of staying home would mean I would get to at least see my S more than when we divorced so I should take advantage of it. And when I am feeling restless about wanting to go back to work I remember this gift! I am a teacher so my job runs Sep- June. If I had a different job, I would have returned by now I think!

[gatsby11]

Hey Newmama, I'm a teacher, too! I teach middle school special education. I was able to work through this whole ordeal, and I think it helped a lot. I was in tears in the bathroom and in my classroom a lot and came in late and left early, but fortunately my principal worked with me. I think it really helped me keep some sense of normalcy. So, did I understand right that you're not going back next school year?

You don't have good family support? I'm sorry to hear that. Since I pulled away from my family and didn't develop too many friendships, my main source of support was my H, too. Now I have been strengthening friendships and increasing contact with my family. I go to therapy and that was the first thing she really wanted me to address. I also get to count my therapist as support now, so that's nice. Plus, my family doesn't live in this state, so even though they're visiting a lot now, we will go back to our regular low contact after a while, I'm sure. I also depend on things like meditation (through church), yoga, exercise, and. . . again, Dog Whisperer! If you haven't watched that show, I definitely recommend it. You can catch it on hulu.com. It's just all about being calm and assertive and being aware of your energy. So it's theraputic for me to watch it every week.

We'll chat again soon. . . I still have to find your original post. . . this week, I hope!