FReckle - I would love to think so - I'm happy to tell myself this lie. However, the words coming out of his mouth still say the same old thing - "I don't have much hope we'll be able to make this work. People don't change. IT's the same old thing with us. We'll never change. IT's been bad chemistry from the start." But secretly hoping he's too proud to admit that yeah, I"m changing and so he better keep up.
Anyway, this is the thought I'm holding in my head. That I"m changing and so must he if this is going to work~!
FM, my H often says our M shouldn't be this bad, never should have been, etc. But as much blame as I have suffered, he is owning his own "anxiety" issues by taking these meds. When I set a boundary a few weeks ago, then did not answer my phone or pursue like I usually do for the rest of the day, it was HIM that called later and said he was calmer because he took a med. The way I saw it, he couldn't bait me, couldn't blame me, so had to do something himself. So in that way, it's partly me.
H didn't come over tonight because he said he didn't want to get sink from S. He skype-video called and it was hard for me. S was so sad and kept saying how much he missed H and loved him. I broke down and said I missed him too - no response of course. It just killed me and so did seeing his apt. I had to get up and leave the room. I wish he would hop off the darn fence and come back to us. Really sad on this anniversary of the bomb. No mention of it from either of us. H only complained to me about how much work he has and how going to MC alone (I had ot stay home with S) was sort of helpful but not $100 helpful. It would be nice to hear something beside complaints.
I'm sorry you are having such a tough night. That call sounds rough, especially with S grieving too and the apt. sighting and all. I hope your H hops off fence sometime soon too. If you want to hear something besides complaints tonight, you or S are going to have to say it unfortunately. I'm glad your H is not at your house tonight though. As rough as this is, I just think a meltdown could have happened or H saying something angry that would have felt like a big setback to you. I know you have hoped for more by this time. I'm going to reframe his $100 complaint and be thankful he is still going to MC instead of jumping out of it when it got rough.
THanks rr, that means a lot to me. I'm not doing very well tonight. On the verge of tears a lot. Trying to hold it together while S is awake - I think it's good H isn't here too -I'd probably melt down and pursue. I'm barely holding back from calling him right now! Help~
DO NOT DO IT! The tears will turn to yelling and then you two will have really wasted $100. LOL. The fact is, if it's ever over, you can still call, cry, (and yell) if you feel like it. But you have so much to be proud of after all your hard work this year, that I know you will not do that. Journal awhile and have a good cry after S goes to bed. Or do something relaxing. TURN OFF THE PHONE. HIDE YOUR BATTERY. WHATEVER IT TAKES!!!
Write H a letter and decide in 48 hours whether you want to send it. You can send it then. Do that instead of journalling. No phone!
Another incentive not to call. What if he realizes it's bombaversary and is waiting for you to call and be upset so he can say, "See? Nothing changes." Do not give him the satisfaction. Make him take down his wall first.
I second everything that rr wrote!! H4L, it's understandable that you are feeling upset...of course you are! This is about grieving and acceptance, and no interaction with your H is going to fix that for you. I think it's a blessing that your H wasn't around tonight, and if he did avoid seeing you because of the bombaversary, then I give him credit for some self care and avoiding a situation where the hurt was likely to come out in ways that are not helpful.
Let the tears flow, honey. And when you wake up tomorrow remember the cliche that it's the first day of the rest of your life. The past is the past and there's still pain and hurt in the present, but the present is all we have.
(((H4L)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
PS thanks ladies you are the best. I don't think I'd be doing as well tonight wihtout all your positive reframing! I'll be back to my upbeat self in a couple days - just have to get through tomorrow.
