Starting Over (Again)

[Cautious]

Please don't judge me, but I decided to go ahead with the A. After much thought, I decided either way would be difficult, but that I would need to get support for unborn and he would resent unborn because of it in the long run. It would be a toxic environment for this child, and if you're anti A, I'd really appriciate not hearing your opinions right now (though I understand if you're mentally keying my car right now). I feel terrible about it as it is, please don't make me hate myself more.

It's true, Quart, that I am not the same person as I was before I started all of this, but I feel like all the changes I have made are positive ones.

As for who told his dad... Well, I have to own up to that. I did discuss my reasons why with him (ExCautious constantly hides things/lies about things with his family and I enabled that behavior - though I tried to be sneaky and let them know certain things behind ExCautious's back, such as the foreclosure). I told him he should own up to his actions, but I couldn't force him. He admitted that he lied to BF and his father both, telling them that I am psychotic because of recent illness in my family. I said "Great, make me out to be a psychopath." He denied, I let it drop. No use defending myself. I'll tell his BF and dad the truth if asked. Otherwise, at least I made my feelings about his lying clear. He paves his own road from here.

Going dark. I love him still, because when he tried to ambush me today ("Hey Cautious, I'm on my way over"), instead of telling him no, I told him I would be home in 15 mins and rushed to get my errand done in time. I have to stop that.

So pretty much I'm going to re-execute the plan... with a few twists here and there. I'm going to wait until he calls me to invite me out (more than likely under the guise of a family outing) and refuse the first invitation. I know some people think I'm weak or what I'm doing isn't worth it, but this is the decision I've made. I have a life of my own and don't really care if this works or not, but it would be nice if it did and I had Mr. Cautious back, instead of whoever ExCautious is now.