Learning to be happy alone

[gatsby11]

Hello all,

I visited this website for the first time a few days after my husband and I separated (he initiated) and really wanted to save my marriage. Now, 2 months later, I'm trying to focus on being happy by myself and with my unborn baby. Maybe we'll get back together, but maybe not. (Can't make him do anything!)

I came back around to this site a week ago because I happened to put the right word combination into google to find a thread posted here. And now I'm back. Not sure I'm exactly a "divorce buster" though. I'd like to be a "relationship restorer" whether a divorce occurs or not.

So, details. Some you can get from my signature below. But here's the rest. First-- solid marriage, in my opinion. We always talked about our compatibility and worked through difficult issues calmly through discussion. We called ourselves best friends, and we both meant it.

The pregnancy was planned. He was never very excited about it, but he was okay. Had always talked about kids as a future thing, but was a little nervous about the here-and-now. We did accidentally get pregnant a little earlier than we had planned. (I went through a phase where I was convinced I was infertile, so I went off the pill and then. . . pregnant!)

Once we knew I was pregnant, he started pulling back. I figured he just needed time to deal with the pregnancy, so I gave him space. Perhaps I was in denial because now that I look back, I see that he was dropping hints about what he was thinking. I just didn't get it. We (or I) thought he was depressed, maybe bipolar, and having difficulty dealing with the pregnancy. So we got him in to see a therapist.

Six days after seeing the therapist (right before he was due to go back) he expressed clearly enough that I understood for the first time that he didn't want to be together anymore. I had thought this was all about the pregnancy up until this day. We spent two days in the apartment sleeping in different locations before it got to the point that I started staying with friends. He was staying out late, not returning texts, and was really making it difficult for me to be in the apartment. Finally, we agreed that I would stay with his sister (we're close) for a month.

During that month, he was drunk most of the time, made out with a coworker (an OW? I don't know. He says no, but I'm not that naive), and was someone I didn't know at all. We met a few times to talk, but the discussions just sent us further apart.

We went to couples therapy once (he didn't want to save the marriage, but agreed to talk), but the therapist told us she didn't think we were in a place to be in couples therapy. (Basically, when one person doesn't want to save the marriage, what else can they do?) So I got my own therapist and made plans for my own apartment.

Now I have been in my apartment for three weeks. I really like my place-- very calm and peaceful. It helped my state of mind to be able to create my own place. I like to think of my time at his sister's as my time of grieving and despair. But in my new place, it's a time of rejuvenation and renewal. It has also helped that we've been NC for a little over two weeks. Being away from his crisis has helped me be calmer and more peaceful. (Plus, a little watching of Dog Whisperer! :))

I saw that he had been diagnosed with an adjustment disorder. He didn't tell me, but he left the paper out at our apartment and I saw it as I was packing up. He tried to tell me in couples therapy that the adjustment was about the pregnancy, but additionally, he just didn't want to be with me. Hard to say since his mind is so messed up.

I'm posting here to discuss with others who have gone through/ are going through a similar situation. Community helps, that's all I know. I feel like I've come through the worst already, but every day has its ups and downs. (Just yesterday, after I completed my baby registry, I went to the store bathroom and cried that he wasn't with me!) But I am getting better day by day.

Please respond if you have advice, a similar story, or sage insight. Thanks.