flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

from Kalni's thread:

I came across a quote about relationships as I've been struggling w/my own personal love disappointments and it made me think of you (and others here), so I'll share it.

The power in a relationship lies with the one who needs it the least.

It may or may not work for you, Sunshine, but it made me realize that if I don't keep my own self in line, I'll become needy and dependent on others. So, I look to this to keep me focused on what I can control - me.

Wow. That makes me think.

[Number 8]

This is incredibly powerful. Thanks for bringing it to your thread and sharing it with us.

[flowmom]

This morning the Dr. told H that S6 needing to pee constantly is probably due to stress because of the separation (UTI has been ruled out)

Tonight, S6 is enraged at me because 3 and a half hours wasn't enought time with his friends. He wants nothing to do with me. Attachment issues

D3 is refusing to eat any dinner. I guess it's hard for me to compete with restaurant dinners that H gives her

[Cautious]

Ugh, I know the pain of the sitch with D3. ExCautious can afford steak - YES, STEAK! - and he's still begging me for money, go figure. I am embarassed to say that I rely on food stamps, and those usually don't make ends meet any better.

S6 is probably just venting to his friends, or escaping. It's somewhere where he doesn't have to see Mommy and Daddy fight, much less think about how he feels about it. He can just be superman and catch the bad guy. That's why I was so relieved when some new neighbors moved in next door for S5 to play with. I'm also a little unconventional that when S5 is angry with me, I encourage him to talk to his friends about how mad he is at me before I talk to him myself. Then he gets his feelings out and heard and he's calm enough to talk to me about solutions.

As far as the diagnosis, that's hard to hear. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I couldn't convince ExCautious to stick it out, but there ARE co-parenting classes you can take with a therapist. After all, you both want what's best for your children in the long run - and the few classes we did take really helped ExCautious to see why I was requesting the "ridiculous" things I was.

[idontunderstand]

My heart goes out to you, FM.
I was chastized in another thread for saying this would be easier if there weren't kids involved, especially young ones. I do love my W and you love your H but it's the innocent kids that suffer the most and don't have the tools to deal with everything. I can't explain it very well-do you know what I mean?
Before all of this started, I couldn't imagine myself needing any type of counseling let alone actually going for some. It does help and it would probably help the kids. That and your unwaivering love, support and understanding!

[newmama]

Idon'tunderstand, hell yes this would be easier without kids! You divide the assets, move the stuff out, grieve and mourn the marriage, and then detach because you never have to see them again.

Got kids- signing up for a lifetime of seeing the spouse who hurt you and caused you so much pain. Then there are the kids' issues because of it....and all the parenting differences...aiyaiyai!

So I would think it is just as painful regardless if you have kids or not, but it is SIMPLER without kids!

[newmama]

FM- doesn't FDad know that restaurant meals are way more expensive than cooking at home? Gee- thought he was worried about cashFLOW!

[blownaway65]

Flow, I sympathise with you re the meals.

My WAW has become the "Fun Mum", because she only sees the kids for such a short amount of time she takes them really cool places when she does.

No way I can compete with that financially, nor do I choose to try to. My kids know what's going on because they are so much older, but I can imagine that yours see things a bit differently because they are younger. All you can do is give then unconditional love.

[flowmom]

Tonight after lights out when I was still in their bedroom, D3 was talking about being scared of ghosts . Also a new thing around here.

I think I'm seeing signs that the 2 overnights in a row are hard on the kids. But I don't think I can tackle this with H on my own. Lots of hesitations about getting professional help with coparenting though. Definitely lots of D talk involved, and my DB coach warned against that. I need to let things settle more until I feel more clear.

[flowmom]

Idon'tunderstand, hell yes this would be easier without kids! You divide the assets, move the stuff out, grieve and mourn the marriage, and then detach because you never have to see them again.

Not that it's a picnic, but at least one would be starting fresh with a clean slate and no dependents to worry about as one restructures one's life.

Got kids- signing up for a lifetime of seeing the spouse who hurt you and caused you so much pain. Then there are the kids' issues because of it....and all the parenting differences...aiyaiyai!

Ugh. The man who has the least regard for me in the world will be part of my life and a person who I have to collaborate with forever. I find that very hard to stomach.