how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

hello, hello, i am FINALLY back home!!

it was a long, exhausting, frustrating, rewarding, wonderful, fulfilling, amazing, sad weekend. so hard to see the devastation that still haunts the lower 9th ward in new orleans, especially the incredible number of houses that are boarded up and still stand empty as they were left when the levees broke back in 2005. i pushed myself outside of my comfort level on so many occassions and only felt rewarded in return. i cut, laid and grouted an entire tile floor! i designed, laid and grouted tile around a fireplace! i met new people, i flirted (!!!!) with someone in my group, i recharged my batteries and i am so SO glad that i went. it was an amazing experience and i loved every minute. i'm only shocked that it went by so quickly.

things have gone well with my H since i left. he continued to send tender messages, some of which i responded to, some of which i didn't. i did not see him before i left and just got back today, so it's been about 2 weeks since i've seen him face to face. i know he had a hard time while i was away and hit some really low emotional points, but all i could do was say i was sorry he was feeling that way and leave him to sort out his own feelings. he must have had a revealing session with his IC while i was away, because he said he'd come to a lot of realizations about his behavior and his patterns, and even asked if i would consider going to see a MC together when i got back.

it actually made me mad when he said that...when i asked him back in january, he was done doing work on us and had no interest. i know i should want to jump for joy that he suggested he may be ready now, but it really upsets me that i've had to wait until he was ready. i let him know that, but told him i would think about seeing someone together. i still haven't really decided. i know this is supposed to be what i want, but now that he's asked i find myself angry that when i suggested it i got shot down. still working through my feelings on that issue.

my mom today told me to just cut my losses and move on, because my H isn't capable of real love. i did spend a lot of time while i was hammering and grouting and painting trim thinking about what i really want...but still don't feel like i have a sense of clarity on that.

i wonder if my H would be open to something like RV now that he's suggested MC. i think his new IC is really helping him open some doors that are helping him really better understand himself. yesterday i got a message from him about how he finally realized he needed to make a lot of changes in order to be in a healthy relationship and he'd never been ok with changing himself before.

so, while i do feel great about the last week at home and the time i spent away, i don't really feel like i have a clear idea of what i want moving forward. but i laughed a lot. my heart broke a hundred times. i did things i never thought i would be able to do. i let strangers get to know me and i got to know strangers. i journaled, i took a ton of photos, i saw old friends and i ate about 10 pounds of crawfish.

i feel good. and that's all that i need right now.

hope you all had a good week while i was away, i need to catch up on some threads!!!