How do I act?

[Surviving03]

the reason i havent gone home is because the military will not pay for me and my stuff to get sent back to the states without proper paperwork, and its paperwork that can only be done with him here. I could leave on my own but i would have to just trust that he would have my things sent to me and I dont feel that i can trust him with anything right now. Yeah it sucks, it definitely does, its harder than anything i have ever and may ever in the future experience. but I felt like if i wanted to fight for this marriage i had to be here. He will be home on thursday and we will see how it goes, but then when he leaves to go visit home for two more weeks i am supposed to be taking our anniversary cruise during that time with a friend. So i will have something to do... but again, more time away from him. I am beginning to discover that he is still telling friends that he is divorcing me and sounds like he is on a mission to party it up. He sent an email to his friend in Cali saying that he was gonna be somewhere between Vegas and San Diego "visiting one my boys from Iraq" now whether its really a boy or not i dont know, but if it is, i would be willing to bet his friend lives somewhere around there and was like hey come meet up and we go hit up Vegas. I also saw him post on someones facebook about getting drunk and partying with some people back home. I feel more and more like he must have been hanging around some single people in iraq who do what they want, buy whatever cars they want... and here we are fighting... so he decided I want that life instead. And its BS... here we are in a committed marriage after 2 years, he used to talk about nothing but starting and raising a family... and now he just wants to throw it away and do his own thing. This is BS! completely unfair... I really think he might file papers while he back home... I dont know when he plans on actually doing something about this D..so I would guess that would be when. And all the while I am sitting here waiting around. I do believe that if this is the scenario, that he got a glimpse of single life, that a point in time will come where he realizes it aint all its cracked up to be.. but where will i be when that happens?

[Wildaces81]

I'm prior military so....Actually no he doesn't have to be there. All you have to do is talk to his CO or go to the S3 and talk to them. They will give you the paper work you need, and should sign off on it. Do you have a phone tree with a list of all the other wives who should be there? Your CO's wife should be able to help you.

Also I know what you are saying about your H wanting the single life. My W is like that also. She has surrounded herself with people that are 3 to 4 years younger than her, none of them have children and all are single. She honestly wants to be 21 or so and have that life of partying. we got married young and all of that. The thing with me is that I know the mistakes I made and I have been taking the baby steps to correct them. I want my marriage to work. And I'll put the work in. I honor and take my vows seriously. Hopefully if I can become a better person for myself and I make the changes for myself I will be the best person i can be. It is all about you and you making yourself better not for him but for you. Everyone on this site will tell you that. I have been told it a hundred times so far and i'm sure I'll hear it a million more. Make sure you can stand on your own two feet with your head held high.

I know you want to be able to say that you tried everything and right now you are in the midst of trying. Don't give up, even if leaving back to the states might feel like giving up. You ask where will you be when it happens? When he finnally opens his heart and his eyes? You'll be a strong and confident person, if you work on you. That is all you can do. I was told that only he can make himself work on your R. So find hobbies if you decided to stay. explore Turkey you are in one of the oldest cities in the world. You have a lot you can learn there. Find people that will go with you and just take in that culture. Keep your head up!

[Surviving03]

ok... did some spying and saw some online conversations my H was having with a few people about this....to one guy he said stuff like yeah man im just out doing my own thing, im gonna try to get orders to vegas after here (this is coming from a guy who has ALWAYS said he just wants to live closest to his daughter who is in Missouri) then says to another person who asked him hows the wife?? he replied im getting a divorce, yeah just decided im not cut out for it (this coming from a man who has ALWAYS been the family type who talks about nothing but wanting that white picket fence family and kids) who is this guy???? it scares me how different this is from the man i have been married to. Then, Im on facebook, not saying anything to him, and he IM's me all of a sudden and says "so you got a boyfriend or something? dont make me snap when i come back to turkey, i will claim ptsd!" i said what?? he said im just joking.... wtf??
This whole vegas thing is totally out of left field... all i can figure out is that he had some friend out in iraq that is from that area and just talked up his life like it was the next best thing to sliced bread... and now he thinks i want that too... when ALL he ever wanted was to have a family and be in love and have a wife who loved him etc... I am so discouraged... i cant imagine living in this house with him for the next couple weeks... and then still waiting it out to see what his next move is going to be... and then him just going home for two weeks to party it up and possibly file... this is AGONY! i dont even want him to come home anymore, i cant imagine seeing him and him telling me he doesnt love me or want to be with me to my face and me still having to be here for a while longer... or him dangling me along just enough to keep this friendly, maybe try to sleep with me... but still drop me. This is the kind of scenario where i just KNOW the day will come when he is like damn, what did i do... that pisses me off! We are supposed to be getting pregnant and starting our family and he wants to party it up. He should have thought of that 3 years ago before he proposed! somebody help me... should i give up??

[rr22]

MH: "so you got a boyfriend or something? dont make me snap when i come back to turkey, i will claim ptsd!" i said what?? he said im just joking.... wtf??



I don't find this funny given the situation, because PTSD is one very real thing that could be causing him to dump you and make plans to go Vegas, start partying a lot, and being someone he wasn't when he left. So....

[rr22]

I don't know if you should give up. I think you need some support if you're going to see and spend time with him when he gets back. It sounds like the situation is volatile and tense and made worse by your isolation.

[rr22]

Can you or have you started therapy?

[rr22]

Are you sleeping regularly? If not, it might be time for you to go to your primary care doctor and get a temporary sleep aid. You can't face this on several weeks of three hours a night sleep. You will go crazy, burn out, get in a sleep-deprived fight of the century... all of that.

[Cautious]

meghunny, I'm so sorry I've been lost in my own sitch for a couple days. Snooping always leads to hurt and panicky feelings. I probably should have warned you. But we all snoop, no matter how hard we try to fight it. The best I can do is tell you that the less you snoop, the better you'll feel. Though it's been argued that you want that information to confront them later. So, the decision is yours really.

Just keep in mind that H will speak in complete negatives right now because he is MLCing (IMO, every WAS has a little bit of MLC - going out and partying, acting completely opposite of who they were when you met them). It's his decision if he stays this person or "reverts" back. But by DBing, you're not pushing him TOWARD a life of partying.

The whole "Do you have a boyfriend" thing, IMO, is him testing the waters because he either is IN an affair or is thinking about one. I can't sugar coat this any. He's decided that you are what is wrong with his life and thinks that another woman will be what makes the difference. The best thing you can do is DB your butt off. If you have to go NC, you do. I really wish you would have gone on that cruise you were talking about, would have been great for him to see that you were having a just dandy time without him and he's not getting to you.

((HUGS)) I'm here for you, even though my advice is probably horrible right now.

[Surviving03]

well the cruise hasnt happened yet so i can still go... im just so tired of sitting around here dealing with this... i hate who it is turning me into...i want life to move on already... i dont see him turning around, or at least not anytime soon before his orders are cut or whatever... im starting to hate him... i love him but i hate who he is turning into and i hate what he is doing to me with no regard for my feelings...i feel like im wasting away, i slept for all of 3 hours last night, im hungry but no desire to eat... i cant do this anymore... i dont want him to come home, i dont want to share a house with him, a bed...nothing... i disgusted by who he is now....

[Surviving03]

i went to the doctor today, he put me on some sleeping pills, he said he is hesitant to put me on anti depressants or anything right now but to try the sleeping pills first. I am hoping i can actually get some much needed rest tonight. I made a back step today, when i was talking to my H today on facebook, i was getting to a point where i wanted to say to him look i give up, i cant do this anymore, but i was scared to say it so i kept saying dumb little things... like i need to talk to you about stuff, he said what stuff, i said some decisions i have made... and he said about what... and i said i dont know nevermind, and he said well then you havent made any decisions. I said look, i love you but i HAVE to start loving myself more, i am not well, i am not healthy... he drilled me about what i meant with that, i said i cant sleep, i cant eat and its to a point where i cant deal with it without medication.. then he said you know i told you when i did so that you could go be with your family so this would be easier....then i said well arent you considerate, i gotta go i got a doc appt...so i get back on a few hours later and he is on and says how was the doc appt and what was it for? i said "fine" he asked do you not want to talk, i said not really and he said thats fine and logged off.... i am messing up big time arent i?? I was trying to get up the courage to say look, i know you arent going to try with this marriage at all and i dont deserve this and i have to take care of myself... but all that came out instead.... i want to give up... but of course i dont want to give up... i want to give up for myself because this whole thing is making me not healthy and just sick all the time... i feel like im torturing myself and he has NO intentions of ever changing his mind.... but on the same note, i dont want to give up too early and there could have been a chance... ughhh i hate this! I want to give it to God and just trust that He will take care of this and take care of me... but I just dont know... the doctor i went to is really religious and he was telling me that getting married is the joining of two flesh, and divorce is like ripping those two flesh's apart... and man thats exactly what it feels like... except it doesnt seem to hurt one side of that flesh... only my side is experiencing all the pain. He said a prayer for me, and for my H to have a change of heart and see that D is not the answer, then he asked me if my H would want to come talk to him but i HIGHLY doubt it. When do i give up?? when do i walk away?? when do I choose ME? and will i regret walking away? i have two more days before i have to face this in reality... no more emails.... pray for me