Thank you luvless. My H has provided me with very little hope of being able to recover from all of this. I would be willing to give it 150% if I felt that he was in it. I think he is going thru withdrawal from ending his A..and that alone is hard to digest. But because of this, he continues to be selfish. The last thing I need right now is a selfish H..not when trying to piece things together. I feel like if I wait this out..it could be another 2 months/years of my life in limbo. My H made so many of the decisions in our M..including having an A...I am not going to allow him to make this decision. This one is for me.
I feel so sure about my decision today. I haven't felt this way before..but I am nervous that I am going to wake up tomorrow unsure again. Today I realized that it is over...without the D finalized...it just feels over already. I had a hard time eating today and broke down into tears multiple times..I am just worn down. I guess like many people..you just know when you are ready..I got there today. My H has been involved in a serious EA/PA for a long time now...the wall is up between us. I have become his 2ndary relationship.
It seems that people do come back from these awful situations.. I just feel like I am on a different playing field than my H. Even after all this..he clearly has the advantage..and still wants to call the shots. I know this is my fault to some extent..I don't believe I set boundaries at the right time. I gave more of myself than he ever had to in our M. I took care of everything. Partly because I like giving and doing for people, but partly because he was always too selfish to contribute. Also because it was just so much easier than fighting with him. He never wanted to do anything that he didn't want to do. Not good for a M.
This morning I was thinking about some of the things my H has said to me over the past few months and it really angered me. I think the worst is "I always thought you were lucky to have me in your life..now I realize that I took you for granted". This was after finding out about his A the 2nd time. For someone to think that and then say it...no respect.
His A has made me cast doubt on my entire M. Was it as good as I thought..did he really ever love me? were we a happy couple? It is so hard to remember what life was like prior to the A and all that followed. The good memories seem so far away..they have been overshadowed by this crap. I think I need to get out of the situation before the bad times outnumber the good times. IC has asked me for months..where is the anger?.it has arrived...along with the depression that I haven't felt up until this point. I hope this is temporary.
