Hi girls!! The weekend was ok. I went thru another phase in my head, still facing it. Things look so normal, H is SOOO present in the house, that I find myself getting angry because in/at the "line" of our life there is HUGE break/gap because of his actions. I dont know how to explain it in English. I am watching him in the house and think "it feels as he never left WTF did we all have to go through hell to be here again? Why couldnt he control his little head, his limerence feelings from building up (because he WAS VERY VERY much in love with her), why the hell did he get to live a romance so strong and wait it out, see if it would last or no, to decide if I were good enough?
NOT very productive line of thinking, I know. I guess spending normal family time with him last week and this weekend triggered a lot of things. Especially on Sun morning when we went to one of his friends' house for lunch. Many co workers of his there and I kept wondering if they knew he had an affair, if they see me and think "poor woman, she must be desperate to accept him back". My pride is making me suffer...
As a result, I withdrew, was silent and looked sad I think. he did ask me several times what was wrong but I couldnt get myself to talk to him. I decided I would wait.
K
Totally normal reactions, Maria! SEems like you're in good company. Once they start coming around, you are safe enough to feel the other side - like why the h*ll were you put through all this, for so long...I feel it, I have read others agreeing iwth you. It's so understandable. Please don't be hard on yourself about it.
It's like you just ran a triathalon, are reaching the finish line, and feel EXHAUSTED. So many people here feel like how can the WAS just waltz back in and take up where they left off as if nothing had happened when we had gone through h*ll and they don't seem to acknowledge it.
ANd I know how you feel about the pride issue. I live in an affluent community (although I am middle class) where the women are often like cookie cutouts - STepford WIves. My shame gets the better of me often knowing that word has spread aroudn the other moms and they give me that pitiful look....but I just try to rebuild my own esteem. Hey, I'm dong the best I can. I didn't choose to be left, I'm surviving pretty darn well considering. YOu can give yourself the credit of being viewed by many on these boards as one of the greatest success stories!
