Next steps

[blownaway65]

CB, is that the feminine version of "All Melty Man"

[talia]

Aver... You and I could write a book about crappy H's.... .. or better yet ... "How to start over even when you don't feel like it"!!!

Step 1.. Get a big bottle of wine and a good therapist....

T

[avermont]

Dear all-

I'm glad you enjoyed my Worst Case Scenario. I chuckled a bit myself reading it. But it is a good insight into the way my mind works.

BUT HERE IS THE BIG NEWS:

I think X just sent me a proposal offering to be bought out for $64K. That is just a drop in the bucket compared to what I thought I would have to do (100K!)

I am talking with the bank right now. Important things to be NON-EMOTIONAL about:

*it is a big old house that needs lots of upkeep.
*just mowing the lawn and picking up branches from the willow tree can occupy 2-3 Sundays a month.
*do I want the financial/time burden of this house? what about the cute little timberframe bungalow my friend offered to build?

And--I am suddenly awash in guilt, remorse.

I think I ALMOST the other day said: I can deal with OW living in the house (that's The Work, working). I think I almost reached some peace with that.

and pictured myself in the new snug maintenance free bungalow. Lots of free time to go snowboarding.

Awash with guilt over 'taking' 'winning' the house that HE put so much more into than I did. I helped, don't get me wrong, but it was his vision and dream that made it.

As I may have posted before, if our R had ended in any other way---talking about his unhappiness, trying all best to remedy it--if it hadn't worked out, I would gladly have turned over the keys and given him the house. His heart is in it.

But with the A, and no commmuication--the whole deal--I just couldn't.

I am at a middle stage in my healing, and now am faced with the Big Girl question: the house is mine if I want the financial/time burden of it.

What do I want?

Why does winning hurt as much as losing?

[newmama]

Aver, good for you for sticking to your guns and fighting for the house when some of us were telling you to walk away! I am impressed that the odds were against you getting it and here you are...

So the burden of the house is definitely why I personally don't want my house.

The guilt is just a feeling but guilt implies shame for doing something wrong and you didn't do ANYTHING wrong, woman!!! Maybe you don't really want the house and were fighting for it for revenge? Or it's just a wacky feeling.

[flowmom]

Aver, it's awesome that you are coming to terms with all of the aspects of this. And I'm glad that you have a choice about the house.

I am at a middle stage in my healing, and now am faced with the Big Girl question: the house is mine if I want the financial/time burden of it.

This decision should be 100% based on what is right for you in the next chapter of your life.

I chose a low-maintenance home because I saw myself spending my time in nature, having adventures, and spending time with my kids...not doing yard work.

But maybe you could look at the house and seriously think about how much cash you could extract out of it each month. If you love the house perhaps you could rent out the workshop and use the cash to pay someone to do the yardwork, or get some kind of barter set up that trades off getting others to do the maintenance work in exchange for use of the house/property. I know you already have a roommate, but think outside of the box of ways that you could have your cake and eat it too.

Maintaining a detached house and yard IS a lot of life energy though. And is it a better future investment to keep this home or build a new one?

Of course I'm going to ask you to let go of the guilt. Do you even know for sure if he wants to live in your house?

[WhatNow]

You can always put the house on the market if you regret keeping it. The market will hopefully get better in a year or so anyway.
You probably won't be able to get it back if you regret giving it up.

[talia]

Aver...

I'll comment more later.. but I just wanted to say... I KNEW HE'D ROLLOVER!!! I hope that you see he doesn't have the NUTS to stand up to you when you stand up to yourself.... Hold your head HIGH girl - he's the one slinking away in shame!

Don't feel guilty.. you have the cookie!!! You put time, energy and love into the relationship and that house, don't discount your part in all of it!

PROUD OF YOU!!!!

T


Edit.... LOTS of great romance novels start with a hot and sexy affair with the Gardner... I'm just saying....

[LookingFrAnswers]

Aver,
You know you shouldn't feel guilty. But it's like my wondering if it's OK to ask H to pay 1/2 the L fees. I understand the ambivalence of not being sure if you want the house, but please stop feeling guilty!! He may have put his heart & all that into it, but he readily left it didn't he?

I hear you on the mainenance, as you know it's a major reason I want out of my house. If you can afford to pay someone to do the lawn, & other stuff, and maybe get $$ from a tenant then that could take care of those issues.

But I think maybe now that keeping the house is within your reach, you can really separate out your motives, and what you want. What is the very best thing for you? If staying in the house is what will make you happiest, and let you heal, or is starting new in a different town? I don't have any great wisdom but I wanted to let you know I'm here & trying(!) to keep up w you. ((((Aver)))))

[blownaway65]

Aver, I don't think you should feel guilty about the house at all. It's something YOU made happen as well as H. As LFA says, he's the one who walked away from it, not you.

Look on the bright side, if he's offering $64K & you were expecting $100K then you're $36K better off than you started off thinking.

There's no reason you can't buy him out, then either rent out the house, keep the room mate or sell it and get the low maint bungalow when the market picks up.

The thing is it will be YOUR choice Aver, that gives you a HUGE amount of freedom to do what you want.

[courageous wife]

Aver...congratulations! I always felt the same way with my H...only sort of opposite...he'd want something, I'd tell him that no, we couldn't afford it, he'd pout, then I'd feel guilty and give in! Not exactly the same as your situation but sort of!

If you want it, buy it! As blown away says, you can always sell it if it proves to be too much! It will keep you busy and that is always a good thing in our sitchs! And what blown away says...YOU get to decide...it is in YOUR control...AWESOME!!!!