I can relate to your need to have these conversations with your H. We have had a lot of those conversations. Yes, they are very hard, very painful. But, I know that I could not move on with those unanswered questions. There are just things I need to know. I think our imagination makes it worse than it is a lot of times. But, I have learned from experience that you need to carefully choose the timing of those talks (not when either of you are tired or stressed, not too late at night, not when kids are around etc.) and you have to be able to tell each other when it is too much for you emotionally so you can stop the conversation before it escalates too much.
I can relate to the constant wondering of "who knows that this happened?" and how others might look at you with pity. I can relate to that surreal feeling of having wonderful family time and wondering how in the world he could have allowed this to happen to create such pain when this is what he could have had all along.
Those are feelings/experiences we have that I don't know that our H's will ever fully understand.
