Thank you guys. I have had such a bad day with all of this. Thank god for my dogs that just wont stop giving kisses. I am going to see the attorney on Wednesday night.
I was worried about using an attorney because my H was very against it. But I cannot trust him. He has betrayed me so many times...I won't let that happen again. Whenever me and H discussed D, he always said he was not going to steal from me...but then again..he also said he would never cheat. I think it is better to use an attorney so that I can be somewhat done with him. I need to truly detach. There was always that glimmer of hope that kept me strong. That is gone now and I feel worse today than I have felt since learning of his A. This situation is a lose/lose. Pain whether I stay or leave. I truly fell apart today.
I spoke to the attorney on the phone. I am definitely filing as adultery...but I am going to just have the letters sent certified to his office..no processing officer. As much as I would love to expose him to his office..I know that I will regret it. Hurting someone else because they hurt you feels good for a very short time. I have been pretty dignified after all of this...(I have had my lunatic moments)..I don't want to stoop.
I am not going to let him know I filed..I am just going to be completely dark until he gets the papers. I finally had enough guts to do this..I don't want to be talked out of it. I know he is going to be angry that I didn't let him know my decision first..but I am really afraid of waffling on my decision. I know what is best for me in my head...but my heart wants to believe something else.
His A sucked the life out of our marriage. We will always have this hanging over our heads. I just don't feel love here anymore..and I am not talking about romantic love. The respect and trust is gone. Without that we cannot have any intimacy..I just don't feel close to him and I am not sure I ever can. He will continue to be in my life due to mutual friends...which is going to make things difficult. I want to be able to forgive him for all of this..for me. I guess time and space will help with that.
I often wake up at night and wonder if this is all a big nightmare. What happened? The pain over the past couple of months has been incredible and I know that the next couple of months will be even more painful. When will this all end?? I am worried about being financially independent..things are going to be much tighter than I am used to. Keeping the house is so important to me..but there will be sacrifices. I am lucky that I have my family to support me until I get back on my feet.
I need to figure out how to de-husbanize my home after all this. I guess after half the furniture is gone...I won't have much of a choice.
