If your wife sincerely wants to learn, share the text with her. you really need to be careful though that she shows initiative. If six months down the road all she has is material YOU have SPOON fed her, you aren't going to ahve a lot fo confidence, but she needs SOME hope from you that you want to work with her.
There is no question in my mind that I love her, but what do I do? My trust is gone for her, betrayed is an understatement.
This is the hardest part. Even 3+ yrs later, I'm still struggling with the trust part.
I know I've forgiven him, or I believe I would still be very angry & bitter, but I just still don't trust him.
Make sure you guys go through counseling and really make sure everything is cleared up! Just saying, from experience I didn't & wish I had.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Counselling is a good idea, but right now its a major project and you need a few weeks to decompress.. I don't reccomend you bring HER into couples counselling until you are confident the FT s a GOOD one you don't want to drive her AWAY.
PS : I would write a book, but I really am just sharing already published material in paraphrase, I have read a couple dozen books and I don't know how many articles, not to mention dozens of actual infidelity case studies.. i really am just sharing what I have already read... not much original here.
lol - guess your book reading is just a bit further along than mine at this point
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
lol - guess your book reading is just a bit further along than mine at this point
The affair in my home lasted three years off and on... you have no idea how many times I heard it was over only to find out a month later it was back on again.. The OM in my situation was ten years my wife's junior, single, and very aggressive, he had no reason NOT to pursue her... and she was too vulnerable to say no at the time.
So, I had three years to learn.. he's gone now (over four month now) and I don't believe he's coming back ... but I come here and give advice anyways. Its part of my growth efforts... the more I explain my views on marriage and commitment the stronger my own become.
I will toss one more to you here from Penny.. you can use it on your own or share with your wife, you have to gauge her commitment level to your marriage yourself :
This is probably one of my most favourite pieces on marriage.
Love As An Excuse For Infidelity Penny R. Tupy 2003
So often in my work with spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair I hear the anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. Soulmates - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.
The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
The interesting thing about new infatuation/love is that we are blinded by the offensive or objectionable things at first. I think the pleasure of having needs met by someone new captures our attention to the point that we block out the less desirable traits. But like any addiction, what worked at first to create a high soon becomes not enough - we want more. When that happens in romantic relationships the irritating things seem to grow in proportion as the pleasure from getting needs met slackens. Unless real change takes place at this time - unless the real work of building a relationship kicks in - romantic love will wane.
This is when the instinct to demand more, to be rude or even to lose our tempers takes over. This is when the internal shift from, "You are so wonderful, what can I do for you," to "You aren't doing enough for me and I'm not willing to do anything for you - you jerk," occurs. This is where real marriage happens, when we move from - feeling like it- to making the commitment to doing what it takes to craft a truly connected and compatible relationship. This is where real love is grown.
For those, who have never honored commitment when the going got tough this is where they begin to bail. So, yes, I am sure that affair partners are in love. Does that mean it's the right place for them or that they have met 'the one'? Of course not. It means that they are in the habit of going for the feeling rather than committing to doing the work of making a truly successful relationship. Unless something greatly changes for these men and women, they will do the same again, and again. They will not find lasting happiness until they get it that marriage is more than feeling. Being in love is important, but staying there is what separates the men from the boys.
Be an advocate for marriage. When you hear of infidelity, take a stand. Refuse to condone affairs and "friendships" that threaten the integrity of the marriage bond. Educate your friends and families on the seriousness of becoming involved outside the marriage. Love is not an excuse for betrayal and abandonment. Love based on that foundation is like a house built on sand.
you have to gauge her commitment level to your marriage yourself :
well....last night i layed down my boundries in order for me to consider reconcilliation, she was fine with #1 - no contact....ever. #2 - total transparency #3 - she has to carry 50% of this load with me, she has work she needs to do.
but when i told her we will see how the summer goes and figure out what we will do with our R, she kind of got upset. I asked her did she just think i am just going to welcome her back with open arms if she doesn't do some work on herself as well?
she then asked about the books i reccomended and how i found them - told her all you have to do is research and it is amazing what you can find....this forum is my place, not for her.
i got out my copy of DR and told her if she wants to check it out she can....it describes us to a T.
she read almost half the book last night and realized what i did when i read it, how things we did in the past lead us down a road that has us where we stand today. But the most affect the book had was that it was someone else totally describing her and her actions without even knowing a thing about her.
hopefully for us, she continues to want to work.
question for anyone who read this far and has an opinion - she does not want me in contact with OM W - she has filed because he has been a habitual offender and i don't blame her. I think she is searching for details (dates, times, places...ect) to nail him to a wall.
my W tells me that every time she calls me or texts me that it brings it all up again and i will not be able to get passed it as long as i keep in contact with her - so the question is....do i continue contact or do what my W is asking and cut my contact with her as well?
I am still on the edge of darkness, but trying to go towards the light.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
question for anyone who read this far and has an opinion - she does not want me in contact with OM W - she has filed because he has been a habitual offender and i don't blame her. I think she is searching for details (dates, times, places...ect) to nail him to a wall.
my W tells me that every time she calls me or texts me that it brings it all up again and i will not be able to get passed it as long as i keep in contact with her - so the question is....do i continue contact or do what my W is asking and cut my contact with her as well?
I am still on the edge of darkness, but trying to go towards the light.
I don't know what YOU should do about this. I think this question is answered in terms of what YOU - Gman - think is best...not what your W says. This is not a good time to take advice from her.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I don't know what YOU should do about this. I think this question is answered in terms of what YOU - Gman - think is best...not what your W says. This is not a good time to take advice from her.
Greek
It is tough - on one hand i agree with her, it just keeps bringing it right back into our faces....on the other hand she brought this on herself, no matter how badly we drifted apart (i didn't stray and was in the same situation right?).
so i think i may take this option - have limited contact with OM W as she really does know what i am going through, and if it helps her with her closure on her mariage and divorce procedings then why not help her?
or is that vindictive of me to OM?
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
so i think i may take this option - have limited contact with OM W as she really does know what i am going through, and if it helps her with her closure on her mariage and divorce procedings then why not help her?
or is that vindictive of me to OM?
Whatever you decide to do, ask yourself if it is best for Gman and his goals. If the answer is 'yes', that's the thing to do. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I didn't & wish I had.