I would suggest you give them a scan, particulary the recovery chapters, but your wife should read the CAUSE chapters as well.. she needs to realize she wasn't "in love"
Affairs are about excitement and infaturation, the newness of soemthing... and novelty does wear off...
Children get excited about new toys all teh time, but they often get cast aside soon afterwards... affairs are no different.
Your wife may still be deluded into thinking she was in love in the first place.
Here's an article from Penny Tupy you can send her to start on :
I assume you will be in support of this :
Holes in the Roof Penny R. Tupy June 2004
I love houses. Always have. A favorite weekend recreation is to tour the semi annual parade of homes or to check out the newest open models in the upscale developments around the area. During my thirties I was an avid member of the National Trust for Historic Preservation; my fun reading was made up of publications such as "Early American Life" and "Preservation." I've lived in an old house, built at the turn of the last century, and in an historic house of a modern sort – built in the `40's with design elements which were decades ahead of their time. For several years I had a recreational decorating and design business. I helped restore a Victorian, once facing condemnation, to near museum quality standards. I've painted concrete floors to look like marble, designed my kitchen from the walls out, and made strategic suggestions for the structural elements of our current state of remodel. I love houses. And in fact, when I travel to other parts of the country I am far more likely to photograph the residential architecture than I am to record the family on vacation. (Much to the chagrin of my children in later years..)
So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, I live in the upper Midwest where Mother Nature mesmerizes us with thunderstorms, floods, and tornadoes this time of year. Not long ago I watched a newscast about a house that was damaged when a tree came through the roof of a house in one of our many storms. (The man sleeping just under the spot where the tree entered the house was unharmed but definitely shaken!) It got me thinking about the correlation between marriage and houses.
A marriage is much like a house. When it's new, everything is well kept. It's clean. The roof is good, the plumbing works well, the floors are level and unscathed. But inevitably, over time, things begin to break down. If one owns an older or historic home there are always things which clamor for attention – similar to a marriage that's been neglected or damaged by thoughtless choices, independent living and outright harmful actions. A marriage in trouble is much like a house needing significant repair.
It could be that the plumbing needs to updated, the wiring changed from old glass fuses to code compliant breakers, the walls may be cracked and the floors might need to be shorn up to make them level again. A marriage may have issues and conflicts surrounding in-laws, money, sex, child rearing, hobbies, or even pets. Like a house that needs significant work, those things need to be addressed in small steps, with thoughtful planning and oodles of frustrating starts and stops.
But what happens when a storm sends a tree crashing through the roof? No matter what the state of the home prior to that event, all work needs to stop and energies must be redirected toward emergency repair. The tree needs to be carefully removed, the roof repaired and any other structural damage investigated and repaired before work can resume on the pre-existing conditions.
This is exactly the same dynamic that occurs in marriage when there is infidelity. The marriage may need serious repair work in and of itself. But once an affair sends a tree crashing through the sheltering structure of the relationship all efforts directed at the underlying problems take a back seat to the emergency measures brought about by the affair itself. There's no point in attempting to fix the cracked walls and outdated electricity in the marriage when there is a tree protruding into the bedroom and the inner structure is exposed to the elements.
The affair partner must be completely and permanently removed from the relationship in the same way the tree must be removed from the roof. It's a horribly difficult and painful process. Often the affair partner has been a long time friend of one or both spouses. The loss of the friendship and the betrayal that is felt is heart wrenching, no matter what leg of the triangle one is on. But a friendship that has intruded into the intimate structure of a marriage can no longer be considered a friendship. Boundaries have been breached, and there is no way to return to a state of innocence. None of the needed repair work to the marriage can begin until this step is complete. Intermittently ending and resuming contact with an affair partner creates the same kind of damage as picking the tree up off the roof and dropping it back on again – it creates larger holes and more damage.
Once the affair partner is no longer in the picture, the hard work of repair can begin. First and foremost the gaping holes left by the affair must be mended. Depending on the length of the affair and how far into the emotional bonding of the marriage the affair partner was allowed to intrude, repair work could be replacement of the entire roof or simply a minimal patch job. The longer the affair, with the marriage being exposed to the damage of wind and rain, the more repair will be needed. The holes left by infidelity are things such as damaged trust, resentment, the inevitable withdrawal felt by the straying spouse when the affair ends, and stress on the underlying structure of the marriage.
Marriages rarely end in divorce due to the affair itself. But failure to repair the damage from the affair will almost without fail lead to complete destruction of the marriage. Marriages end because there the gaping holes remaining which continue to expose the relationship to more harm. Some couples can do the repair work themselves. These are the calmly methodical sorts who can read about the necessary measures and implement them in without becoming bogged down in the emotional tug of war recovery always entails. For most couples, as with homeowners, hiring a professional is indispensable in making sure the repairs are done well and in a timely manner.
As the holes are patched, the shingles replaced, and the structure found to be intact attention can once again be turned to the problems which existed before the tree made its untimely entrance into the lives of the homeowners. Those issues and conflicts may have become larger or more serious because of the damaged caused either directly or indirectly by the crisis of the storm – that's the nature of destructive events; they have far reaching consequences. Time, patience, persistence, and good professional help can make all the difference in repairing a storm damaged home or healing a marriage torn apart by an affair.
lol - i don't want to be an evil prick bastard either
Certainly not.. this is how affairs are launched in many cases. THe marriage is struggling so one spouse feels they have the right to unilaterally and secretly act destructively to the marriage you two WERE building together .. clumsily but nonetheless you two were still trying to be constructive at the time.
When you divorce or act vendictively, you reduce your commitment to a similar level to that of the affai-engaged wayward spouse.
When you divorce or get otehrwise vendictive, you act out and act destructively much like the WS does... doiong more damage as an expression of your unhappiness with the marriage.
And I strongly suspect your wife's affair was a clumsy and hurtful attempt to sub consciously express how unhappy she was...
Sure, if there's milk spilt on the floor unloading the ENTIRE REFRIGERATOR on the tiles isn't gonig to improve things, but very often people attack taht which they are not successful at building... I don't know how many times I have wanted to toss my guitar out the window...
But, its not the guitar's fault, its my commitment level to that instrument.. a marriage is no different.
Don't get vendictive, you have fought for your marriage and imbued it with dignity... don't disgrace that now by a destructive rant... keep your head high.
Don't get vendictive, you have fought for your marriage and imbued it with dignity... don't disgrace that now by a destructive rant... keep your head high.
i was fighting and found out the truth...i did have extremly hard time dealing with that first night no sleep and all...my play was to drink to pass out (i never drink so i figured it would be quick way to sleep) was not vidictive but man what a stupid way out, through a bottle. no worries of that ever happening again my friend.
head is high right now and chin is up - i did send the analogy about marriage to her email.
she said she can't change me after i gave her suggested reading...i said i know, only i can and that is what i have been working on over the past few months. told her that it is time for her to do some work on her own.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Gman, good way to deflect her blame- she wants you to change, huh? Well first she needs to clean up her mess! Sheesh! But it sounds like you respectfully agreed and then turned it back to HER. Of course we all could use improvement, but let's see here...WHO decided to escape through cheating? (Not that you say that to her, lol, it's just the truth!)
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
WHO decided to escape through cheating? (Not that you say that to her, lol, it's just the truth!)
yeah well i am sure i did say that or something along that lines the other night....but i caped with with truth hurts doesn't it...lol
and for A-man and all his advise - i did tell her that she made a grown up decison doing what she did, and now it's time to deal with it like one.
can't even imagine what or how i would have felt if i had found out about the A BEFORE i found this place and all of the wonderful people that come here under the worst circumstances.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Now, I am not a christian by any stretch, but I do like this prayer.. its used often in AA meetings and the like..
Now, you CAN change some things in your life. MWD deals with this defeatist attitude of "you can't change people" all the time.
My position on this is simple :
1. You cannot change people's habits long term no 2. You can motivate them to act differently 3. It's up to THEM to accept that motivation or to toss it out.
This is much like the affair itself. Has the affair changed you? Has your wife changed you in some way through her actions?
If she can change you to yoru detriment, she can motivate you to change to your better, and you her.
Love and relationshps change people. They are INFLUENCED by the other person. I am not suggesting either of you are automatons and just react from what the other does... that's only when you resort to your instincts guiding you.
What I am suggesting is that you can influence someone to make different choices.. to act differently.
Suppose you cook dinner for someone 7 nights a week for six months.. .they will get pretty accustomed to that. Then suddenly you decide to just sit back and watch what happens... They will do SOMETHIGN different. They will make some choice based on your NEW influence of NOT making dinner.
They may shout "Where's my meal?" They may make it themselves THey may order out They may crawl under the covers and cry.
Thsese behaviours were INFLUENCED by yours, by you changing what YOU do.
So, your wife needs to change her attitude about what she can and cannot change. She CAN change you and you her.
Maybe get her to read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy as well as the other two... your wife needs to learn how two people living in the same home begin to act as a community and how intertwined their actions affect their partner.
When you live iwht someone for five, ten, twenty years, how they think and feel can have a profound affect on how you live your life.. your wife is deluded if she thinks you are just a giant brick wall and that she has no influence.
She has alrady chagned you.. she's HURT you, you do'nt TRUST her.. it stands to reason that if she can change you to be DISTRUSTFUL, she can change you such tha tyou will trust her again.
I don't think any two people can be thrown togehter and fall in love, but I DO believe that two people who are compatible enough to live together, marry, and have three children have it in them to find a way to love one another if they put their minds to it.
Its like someone insisting they can't ride a bycicle anymore after they have fallen and ingured themselves.
They CAN ride, they just are frightened.
THey need to trust the bicycle and their ability to ride it again.. it just takes time.
But its a team effort, your behavior right now motivates HER too.. if you are cynical and angry and bitter all the tme, she won't have a lot of HOPE for her marriage anymore.
I am not telling you to be warm and encourage her.. she HURT you, but do mak sure she understands that you love your marriage and your children and are willing to explore reconcilliation for the six months... tell her there is hope and that you love your family enough to try.
Tell her that YOU are hurt and YOU are willing to try.. the least SHE can do is put forth 50% and try alongside you.
No excuses... love is non-conditional in the sense that she has t love you, even if you aren't loving her back at hte moment. Love like a newborn, they don't offer you much in return.. and when they hit 13 you will get abuse back half the time instead of love, but you do it anyways becuase how YOU FEEL about them is NOT fully dependent on how THEY are behaving right now.
Love is not a feeling as much as it is an act of will.
Tell her that HER marriage is in HER hands, and your marrige is in yours. She needs to put blinders on for six months and just run the race, regardless of what YOu are doing... more or less SHE has to divorce bust now for six months..
Ya, tell her you won't do anything detrimental to your marriage for six months, and the two of you will do a check point at that time to see how things stand.
She has six months to make a noticable improvement in the home, as do you.
my god man....you need to write a book about this stuff....lol
Originally Posted By: Allan A
I am not telling you to be warm and encourage her.. she HURT you, but do mak sure she understands that you love your marriage and your children and are willing to explore reconcilliation for the six months... tell her there is hope and that you love your family enough to try.
Tell her that YOU are hurt and YOU are willing to try.. the least SHE can do is put forth 50% and try alongside you.
i am trying to memorize the prayer as well as your comments above - so i can useboth of them daily
so letting her read DR is an option for her now? back when i was busting i was told not to even let her see it, but the table is bnow turned?
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
PS : I would write a book, but I really am just sharing already published material in paraphrase, I have read a couple dozen books and I don't know how many articles, not to mention dozens of actual infidelity case studies.. i really am just sharing what I have already read... not much original here.
