God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Now, I am not a christian by any stretch, but I do like this prayer.. its used often in AA meetings and the like..
Now, you CAN change some things in your life. MWD deals with this defeatist attitude of "you can't change people" all the time.
My position on this is simple :
1. You cannot change people's habits long term no 2. You can motivate them to act differently 3. It's up to THEM to accept that motivation or to toss it out.
This is much like the affair itself. Has the affair changed you? Has your wife changed you in some way through her actions?
If she can change you to yoru detriment, she can motivate you to change to your better, and you her.
Love and relationshps change people. They are INFLUENCED by the other person. I am not suggesting either of you are automatons and just react from what the other does... that's only when you resort to your instincts guiding you.
What I am suggesting is that you can influence someone to make different choices.. to act differently.
Suppose you cook dinner for someone 7 nights a week for six months.. .they will get pretty accustomed to that. Then suddenly you decide to just sit back and watch what happens... They will do SOMETHIGN different. They will make some choice based on your NEW influence of NOT making dinner.
They may shout "Where's my meal?" They may make it themselves THey may order out They may crawl under the covers and cry.
Thsese behaviours were INFLUENCED by yours, by you changing what YOU do.
So, your wife needs to change her attitude about what she can and cannot change. She CAN change you and you her.
Maybe get her to read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy as well as the other two... your wife needs to learn how two people living in the same home begin to act as a community and how intertwined their actions affect their partner.
When you live iwht someone for five, ten, twenty years, how they think and feel can have a profound affect on how you live your life.. your wife is deluded if she thinks you are just a giant brick wall and that she has no influence.
She has alrady chagned you.. she's HURT you, you do'nt TRUST her.. it stands to reason that if she can change you to be DISTRUSTFUL, she can change you such tha tyou will trust her again.
I don't think any two people can be thrown togehter and fall in love, but I DO believe that two people who are compatible enough to live together, marry, and have three children have it in them to find a way to love one another if they put their minds to it.
Its like someone insisting they can't ride a bycicle anymore after they have fallen and ingured themselves.
They CAN ride, they just are frightened.
THey need to trust the bicycle and their ability to ride it again.. it just takes time.
But its a team effort, your behavior right now motivates HER too.. if you are cynical and angry and bitter all the tme, she won't have a lot of HOPE for her marriage anymore.
I am not telling you to be warm and encourage her.. she HURT you, but do mak sure she understands that you love your marriage and your children and are willing to explore reconcilliation for the six months... tell her there is hope and that you love your family enough to try.
Tell her that YOU are hurt and YOU are willing to try.. the least SHE can do is put forth 50% and try alongside you.
No excuses... love is non-conditional in the sense that she has t love you, even if you aren't loving her back at hte moment. Love like a newborn, they don't offer you much in return.. and when they hit 13 you will get abuse back half the time instead of love, but you do it anyways becuase how YOU FEEL about them is NOT fully dependent on how THEY are behaving right now.
Love is not a feeling as much as it is an act of will.
Tell her that HER marriage is in HER hands, and your marrige is in yours. She needs to put blinders on for six months and just run the race, regardless of what YOu are doing... more or less SHE has to divorce bust now for six months..
Ya, tell her you won't do anything detrimental to your marriage for six months, and the two of you will do a check point at that time to see how things stand.
She has six months to make a noticable improvement in the home, as do you.
