Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Journaling.

Not much new to report. I was busy GAL this weekend, good weekend. After my W and I spoke last Tuusday about house, we agreed that she would look over information I gave her so we could come up with a price to list the house for sale. I didn't hear from her so I called and left a message for her on Thursday to see if she decided on the price for the house. She didn't call me back. I saw her at our gym Thursday night. I asked her if she received me message. She said she did but didn't get a chance to call me back and asked if she could call me on Friday. I said ok and then left her alone. Conversation was only 1-2 minutes. I didn't want to bug her. Friday came and went with no phone call from W. She finally called on Saturday afternoon saying she wanted to talk about house. I had plans this weekend and didn't call her back. She emailed me Sunday night saying that she left me a message on Saturday and to call her when I had a chance to discuss house. I emailed her back late Sunday night to say that I will call her today, that was it.

I'll call her today so we can discuss what we need to discuss. I just don't get it though. She will act like she is so focused on getting rid of the house but yet doesn't call me back for days to discuss it. In tne meantime I'm doing all of the work to fix it up and call the realtor, etc. Just like during our M, I am doing the legwork to take care of things. If this is so important to her then why does she take three days to get back to me? Where is her mind right now? Does she have thoughts that she won't share with me of maybe not wanting to sell house? I don't know and I try to keep myself from trying to figure her out. My W seems stuck right now. I don't think she is out there living it up right now. She isn't going forward with anything she says. She told me she was getting an apartment but now tells me she doesn't know when that will happen. She tells me we need to put the house for sale right away but yet she delays getting back to me to discuss it. Meanwhile I'm busting my a$$ getting the house ready. What gives here?

W and I are still friendly when we talk. I wonder if anything I told her last weekend about not wanting the D and saying that I would like us to go to C when she's ready, had any affect on her? Could that be why she was delaying? Not so much because she doesn't want to sell the house (which I'm fine with), but maybe because she was thinking about what I told her? Who knows I guess? I'm just staying focused on taking care of the responsibilities for now.

I'm at the point now when I think about this, that I feel like this is so ridiculous not to be able to talk about our M. I feel like enough time has passed and the shock of it all is over, for me. I feel like I can be calm and have honest discussions with each other and try to move our M forward. I have examined the sitch and realize many of the things I could have done better in our M. I can accept my faults and have already taken huge steps to correct them. I can see how this affected my W. Needless to say this has been an eye opening experience for me. It woke me up. In my opinion if there is still love (there is on my end and I think there still is on my W's end), then I truly believe my M can realistically be saved. Neither one of us is seeing anyone else, so that's one less hurdle to deal with.

I know this is how I feel now and not how my W feels right now. That's ok. I know this took her a long time to come to this decision. I regret that I made her feel she needed to do this. Clearly my actions did not give my W what she needed. All of those things were simple things I could and still can fix. Hopefully it's not too late.

I want to send my W a short email telling her the things I have come to realize that I did wrong in the M and explaiin how this might have made her feel. I don't want to say I "know" how she felt because I truly don't. Only she knows how this made her feel but I am trying to understand. I want to tell her that I now know that perhaps at times I didn't make her feel understood, valued, or cared for. Let her know I can see how I smothered her. This would be all I would say. Keep it short. I wouldn't ask anything from her, just let her know these things. Good idea or not? Would it be considered pursuing to send this type of email?