I agree, perhaps the wild animal in the cage was the wrong image- although the cage represents that she feels trapped and insecure...
the image of the squirrel or bird is the point- let them come to you, no pressuring or pursuing, no stress...like a turtle in its shell...will peak out when its safe and comfortable
Though my w attitude is pretty much the same it seems communication between her and I has got better. She does not give me the cold shoulder shrug as much as she use to.
We engage in a lot of small talk and I stay away from R talk. I heard her say the day I confronted her about OM that "he is easy to talk to." I knew that is a need I will have to provide becoming a better listener so she feels more comfortable talking to me. I always try to say less than she does and speak in a calm inviting tone.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Yup, this whole exercise is good for you... loving detachment you CAN listen to her if she's being constructive... but don't pursue... which basically means listen but don't speak... so this is a perfect exercise for ya
My wife decided to take my phone again today and started to go through all my sent and received calls. She then wrote each number down. I the proceeded to tell her what each call was and to who afterward she said "I don't really care, its just u did it to me, its doesn't matter to me"
Well I had not ever did that to her and if it did not matter why did she doo it in the first place
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
I agree w/ the analogy then- had to change some things in my sitch...I do like the danger to themselves and others...I can def relate to that- wreckless, selfish, fast, sloppy, un-caring, flighty, and FIESTY!!
she doesn't need to know how many times a day you blow your nose, but you shoudl KNOW what you would WANT to know.
I like Dr Phil's advice
If you wouldn't do it when your spouse is there watching you, its cheating to do it behind their back.
So, don't do anything behind our wife's back that you wouldn't do in front of her...
No secrets.. that's the healthy way to go.
She likley feels like you have been hiding info.. Many spouses having affairs get paranoid.. its just something jung referred to as mirroring your own misbehaviour in others. In short, since SHE was straying, she immediately suspects you are too.
Don't challenge her, let her go through the phone all she wants... you are showing her an example of an adult by handing the phone over.
This is again much like a wild animal sniffing your ankle to find out of you are safe to be around... don't worry about it.. let her sniff at your ankles all she wants to.
Don't show anger, dont' be smug or laugh. Just wait til she's done and thank her when she returns the phone. Full disclosure of your acitvities is important to building trust.. and you are setting an example here.
THe more YOU turn over your materials with no challenge at all the mroe she sets HERSELF up to commit to the same thing later on.
Eventually you will ask her for her phone and do the same thing.. but right now let her learn how full disclosure and trust works just one-way.
She doens't realise it right now, but you are teaching her how SHE will behave later on... you are setting an excellent example for her.. keep it up.
A last minute agreement me and my W decided to go to a concert. It was a 1hr 1/2 drive. The drive was not too bad we talked abot non-R topics and at time shared a laugh. Something that shocked me was my wife wore her ring for the first time in a month. I said nothing about it.
At times she was short with me but in all we had a descent day.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Good call on not mentioning the ring, you are getting the hang of it.. that was VERY GOOD to just let it go... if you had made an issue of it she would have removed it and you would'nt see it for a LONG TIME...
Your wife needs to approach you at HER PACE and you need to be very careful not to scare her off my staying calm... think like feeding squirrels in a public park or something... it is a great way to understand the process... go feed some for practice.
