flowmom | need to commit to myself

[CityGirl]

A few quick things....

I suppose I didn't articulate myself well but I was also implying that perhaps you need to adjust your thinking and not necessarily SAY certain things to your H.

I understand there is a level of interdependence in your family but right now your family has changed. It might now always be this way but for now it is different. Things will change and that doesn't mean that you and your H will stop making your children the first priority.

Yes, you do need to detach. As we all have said it is not an overnight process and it is NOT easy but I think once you do begin to detach just a bit things won't seem so muddy to you. Right now you are still trying to act like a W to your H but you are doing so at a distance. Once you detach you will see in a kind way that his problems are just that... his to own and address if he so chooses.

My H started texting me last Thurs. and Friday. I am still STUNNED at the stuff he says to me. How hard it is and blah blah blah. TOUGH! It can't be *that* hard for him or else he would dump OW (who seems to be the source of his problems) and get to work on himself. He still blames and bashes me for his affair and yes, it did upset me for a bit so I get detachment is not easy.

Just like the money, visitation and day to day things will change so will the dependence issues. I think you were being honest with yourself (VERY GOOD!) when you said you are not ready for the children to be away so much. I bet it is very hard!

I guess I would just gently suggest you not try and take on any of your H's issues in the name of protecting the children. I am sure somebody else can advise you better than me in that area.

Lastly, despite all this stuff going on in your life really try and live in the moment. All the "stuff" will still be going on so if you can have a good moment here or there (dinner out, yoga) then really be present. Again, not easy when you have so much on your plate, I know!

[flowmom]

Have you checked out meetup.com in your city? That might help you meet some new single women who you have something in common with to go out on some of your new free nights. Also, I think craigslist has a Platonic section.

I have looked at meetup.com. I was interested in the hiking one but it's full. My interests have lain dormant for so long that I would have to revive some before even knowing what meetup to participate in.

I'm also scared about being around newly single people as friends...I won't want to talk about separation/D with strangers. I especially don't want to talk to WAS...I just can't handle it right now.

I'm very picky about people and that can be a barrier to me trying things. It's not that I'm snobby, it's just that I feel like I'm dying inside when I'm around people who are on a completely different wavelength than me. I suck at small talk, etc. I'm not an easy person to get to know...people who appreciate me typically start to appreciate me once they've known me for a long time.

When I became a mother I just couldn't handle random playgroup/park interactions with other mothers...they made me feel even more alone as I was trying to create a new social network. It wasn't until I found a "tribe" of mothers who I clicked with that I felt socially "at home". But the good thing for me to see here is that I actually did feel very alone socially when I became a mother and it took a long time but I did develop a new social network...not just of random people but of people who are awesome. Unfortunately this city is very transient and even families tend to move away , so it's often about starting over and over again.

One untapped social network that I have is that I live in an intentional community. There are some single women who live here who I'm not that close to (and they are in a different age group), but they are good people. I guess I could look at figuring out if there's enough common ground with them to try an evening out.

[flowmom]

Right now you are still trying to act like a W to your H but you are doing so at a distance. Once you detach you will see in a kind way that his problems are just that... his to own and address if he so chooses.

Yes, I see the work that I have ahead of me.

Lastly, despite all this stuff going on in your life really try and live in the moment. All the "stuff" will still be going on so if you can have a good moment here or there (dinner out, yoga) then really be present.

I've done better on that on other nights to myself, but the last two nights have been harder. Two nights in a row is one of the hardest milestones that I've dealt with since the separation. And I think that having a cold is dragging me down emotionally...I don't have the energy to generate PMA.

My H started texting me last Thurs. and Friday. I am still STUNNED at the stuff he says to me. How hard it is and blah blah blah. TOUGH! It can't be *that* hard for him or else he would dump OW (who seems to be the source of his problems) and get to work on himself. He still blames and bashes me for his affair and yes, it did upset me for a bit so I get detachment is not easy.

(((CG))) It would please me to give your H a piece of my mind . I know you've done a lot of personal work to get to where you are now...but no one needs to be undermined that way.

[CityGirl]

I understand wanting deep and meaningful friendships but sometimes it is just nice to shoot the breeze with somebody and enjoy a bit of social time. And you never know, just because somebody seems "different" (out of your age group, not a mom and so on) you might find a good friend.

One of my dearest friends is a 52 year old man. He is my neighbor, I have known him for almost 13 years. You know what we have in common? We both LOVE to cook and eat food! If you look at us we seem an odd pair (I am a 35 year old caucasian woman and he is a 52 year old black man!) but who cares!? Never has there been anything between us other than friendship.

I live in a very boho type neighborhood so anything goes as far as people and friends. Most of my neighbors have dogs so that is always a good conversation starter. Sometimes it is nice just to talk to people to brighten your day and make you feel alive and viable!

[CityGirl]

Thanks for the hug, Flo.

I will post a full update on my thread in "surviving divorce" later today. I needed to sit on things a few days before I put it out there.

[rockedworld]

Hey Flo,

Have you ever done some reading on the practice of "mindfulness"? It is so helpful for living in the present moment and I am finding it a really good strategy to get past the trauma and anxiety ...

www.mindfulness.com

[flowmom]

Thanks RW. I am familiar with mindfulness practice. Many, many times a day I consciously try to bring myself back to the present. Some days are harder than others. As I've written before, my brain likes to "gnaw on a bone". My sister has had this challenges as well, in spite of years of counselling and a spiritual practice. I did do 5 minutes of meditation this morning...a babystep towards working on it. I have to say that I found it very moving to read about you finally living without anxiety after a year. Anxiety has been a constant companion in my life for too long, and I think that it's more of a problem for me than depression right now. It's what's undermining my ability to focus on doing paid work.

[mindfull]

Someone mention mindful??

[newmama]

I'm also scared about being around newly single people as friends...I won't want to talk about separation/D with strangers. I especially don't want to talk to WAS...I just can't handle it right now.

You know something? I went to a few of the divorced/single parents groups dreading this same thing. What I found is that there were others who were separated and THEY told their story first. I didn't reveal too much and they didn't ask. Luckily 90% of our conversation had to do w/ usual stuff....NOT pity parties or our estranged spouses!

I'm very picky about people and that can be a barrier to me trying things. It's not that I'm snobby, it's just that I feel like I'm dying inside when I'm around people who are on a completely different wavelength than me. I suck at small talk, etc. I'm not an easy person to get to know...people who appreciate me typically start to appreciate me once they've known me for a long time.

How funny...I am very picky about people too but am EXCELLENT at small talk and getting others to talk but have always been a very private person with many walls. This is why I value my "old" WH so much- he is like one of 3 people who GET me!

But let me tell you this- on these handfuls of outings I have gone to (didn't post much about a couple of them) I force myself to just 1) show up then 2)introduce myself to anyone, not only those I think I could click with and then the rest has gone smoothly. Oh...I confess there has been beer or wine involved, lol!

Now as for the detachment issue...who can detach when they see their spouse every day or several days per week? I've given up on detaching 100%. I bet if you ever wanted to date that would do it. BUt otherwise...the emotional part will be there don't you think?

[Number 8]

flowmom, I completely identify with your statement about your brain "gnawing on a bone." My late mother would have referred to that as "stewing" over something, and I do it particularly well (hence the ulcer). I also internalize things as I stew over them (again, the ulcer). I've always had anxiety issues, and they've only increased since my separation (and the anxiety keeps the ulcer revved up, of course). Like you, my anxiety affects my focus and follow through. It has also affected my appetite and my sleep. I am glad that you shared your meditation experience. You've inspired me to attempt it again (though they were probably half-hearted attempts the first couple times). Thanks for including this in your post.