Wow RW. It's so touching to read about these moments that are reconciliation in action. Your being able to experience life without anxiety...what a wonderful breakthrough! Your H's emotional transparency...courageous.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Yes, you are right. I need to keep my focus on the positives. We continued to do well this weekend so far. Had a nice evening, both reading but sitting beside each other with the occasional touch, cuddle.
Still no anxiety today.
I am realizing that anxiety has been my constant companion for the past year. so, when I have times when I don't experience it, it is so foreign and wonderful! I look forward to the day I won't feel it at all.
The anxiety lessening is making room in my emotions for other things, such as moments of contentemnt.... or,dare I say it... happiness? even joy? Wow.... it's been so long I've almost forgotten what those emotions feel like.
I totally relate to the anxiety = it's very hard to let it go - it's like a trauma that lives in the bones!
SElf soothing is the best thing I know for that - and maybe more EMDR? Anyhow, you must be doing something right because you are relaxing down into your feelings now instead of living in a state of trauma. I'm so happy to hear this! Let's hope the contentment and happiness increases bit by bit throughout this year!!!!
Struggling a bit more with it today. Actually not so much anxiety as the feeling of hopelessness... is this worth it, can I do this? etc.
But, I have noticed a pattern... I tend to begin to feel this way every Monday, struggle with it Tues. and Wed. and start to settle out by the weekend, usually feeling more connected to H by the weekend.
I think it is because when the A was happening, they were connected through H's work and it was during the work week that they had the most contact. H tried to spend as much time at home during the weekends as possible to stay connected to the kids. Then, when Monday's would come the fog would return and I would go through most of the week hardly seeing him and coping with anxiety of what was going on.
I have to self soothe and talk myself through the reality that this is not happening anymore. There are no more lunch time rendevous' and no more sneaky "I have to work late" scenarios. It is over. Monday is just Monday. It is ok.
I have an IC appt. tomorrow and likely will do more EMDR. Looking forward to it!
Just keep in mind that you're going to be getting over it for a long time. I don't say that to be negative, it's just a fact. You know I am still struggling with those thoughts to some degree 11 months into this. But it does get better. I don't dwell on it every day and the last incident was about a month ago. Keep working on yourself. Identifying the pattern and probable cause is huge--now you know what's triggering it and you can make a plan to deal accordingly.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thanks Pearl. That is true. My IC keeps reminding me of that too. It is hard to be patient through this process, but I know there is no quick or easy way through it.
Pearl, (or anyone else who has been at piecing longer than me)have you told your BF about this forum or any of your online support? I am thinking that eventually I will want to tell my H about it. I know there are times I am typing away on my laptop, either posting here or in the alt, and H seems curious about what that is about. I'm not sure about timing for that. I know that I need to feel secure and safe in this R again first. This place and the people here have been my lifeline and I am very protective of that. Just curious what others have done with that....
I told H I had joined a M forum and that I have made some good friends, but then I also belng to a horse forum so he knows I have met and made friends online. I do hide it on his laptop and on our joint desktops as it's not only my privacy that is important but I wouldn't like him to read about himself, as I'm sure he'd be embarrased maybe even angry. I know one Db'er H found the site and wasn't happy, I suppose one day if all was settled you could tell him about the dear friends that supported you whilst you fought to get him back after all we really only wanted good things for both of you but just didn't know your H!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
No, I haven't specifically told BF about coming here. He does know that I'm on a relationship message board and that I've made friends (because I plan on meeting up with a couple when we're traveling this spring!). I try to keep the site name not visible when I'm using the computer while sitting next to him, but I am on while sitting next to him so if he looks over he'll see what I'm doing. I don't want him to come here and figure out who I am and see what all I've written over the past fifteen months. And my laptop has been password protected ever since this sitch started so he can't just go into my bookmarks and see where I've been.
I think if you want to keep it to yourself then that's fine. H doesn't need to know everything about you. If you feel the need to share then you can always do so in generalities.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Echo PH it's going to take a long time to get through the reactions, the reminders, etc. That's why taking care of yourself is soooo important. It's gotta be tough with him feeling depressed and you going through all your panic - but hold onto yourself while your panic is running through your veins. Some things that help me - talking to friends, taking a warm bath and then cuddling with the cats, a good comedy, exercise, sunshine, flowers.
I've started buying myself flowers regularly - perhaps it's time for you to treat yourself as well. IT really lifts the mood!
Thanks for your thoughts Rabbit, Pearl and Hope...
I don't think the time is right. He has seen this site on my laptop before but I think he assumed I was reading articles on it, because he asked something to that effect. He also has seen the DR book, but hasn't taken much notice of it. I don't think he would pleased to see all that I have written about him/us/our sitch but frankly I don't care. I needed this, and I will always be grateful for what I received here. Pearl, I think when the time is right it will be in generalities. Thank you for clarifying it that way.
Hope - I like the idea of flowers! I have been thinking the past day or two about my frustrations that my H is not far enough in his own personal healing yet to give me a lot of what I need in the M. So, instead of stewing about that, getting down etc maybe it is time to meet some of my own needs. Flowers, even getting myself card, writing a nice note to myself.... not to show off for anyone to see or to try to "show" H what he should be doing. I would keep it quiet and to myself... but just for internal validation. I have also thought about taking myself out to dinner or a movie etc. H just is not initiating those things at all. He goes to work, comes home, goes to kids' sports, comes home etc. I think I need to get back to some of my own GALing and 180's that were helping me when the A was going on. The focus has been too much on him since piecing. Maybe my expectations of him have been too high for this stage of piecing and as part of my detaching process, I meet my own expectations. Just a thought process I've been sorting out the past couple of days...
