Attraction - Sex Problem ... any ideas?

[Young at Heart]

She has said that the rythm of my touch and the intensity of my touch changes in a way that she can feel.

That's exactly what I've heard. Myself, I tell her that I was fully with her, but she feels that I must be thinking about other women. She figures that if I've been doing it solo, then what was I imagnining while I did it? So if she isn't enough, I should move on.

OK, her expectations, while not fair and could create anxiety or performance problems for you, they are still her expectations and you need to deal with them.

I was suggest a couple of alternatives.

First when you are stimulating her, focus on your lust for her, whether it is saying verbally or mentally how much you really want to F**K her and make her climax doesn't really matter as long as it helps you and doesn't distract her. You might even try to figure out how to turn it into a kind of "sensate focus" exercise for yourself where you mentally focus on your lust for you wife and keep that image/desire firmly in the front of all your thoughts along with how great it feels to touch her.

Second, introduce a vibrator to your bedroom activities. My wife freaked out over the noise of one vibrator, so I went out and purchased one that is QUIET. Through communication figure out what she can handle and what she needs, then provide it.

To my wife the most important thing is feeling loved in her love languages (acts of service and quality time). Then after she feels "connected to me" by my having done things for her that she wants done (various household chores and such) and by my having given her quality time (conversations at dinner, taking her out to dinner our out to a movie) she is more open to touching and sex. Generally touching comes next and when she is connected and arroused by non-sexual touch, then she is ready for sex. (Actually she has told me that it is only then that she is ever realy to talk about her innermost thought regarding sex and our relationship. She said she needs to feel totally connected to me before she can talk to me about our relationship problems. Talk about the ultimate Catch-22!)

I have been ammazed at what a 30 to 40 minute foot massage using reflexology and asking if touching this part of the foot feels better than this other part of the foot and then five minutes later if she would like me to increase of the pressure, reduced the pressure or keep it where it is. She has told me that it makes her feel like I am reallly into her pleasure and finding out what pleases her the most. Yes, it is a damn long time, but saving my marriage is worth some sacrifices.

At times my wife really does expect me to focus on her non-sexual pleasure for say half an hour or more and then start foreplay for another fifteen minutes to half an hour prior to direct genital stimulation and sex. At times I have asked myself if I really have that much time to give to her and the answer is, yes I love her and want our marriage to succeed, but such time commitments obviously limit when we can make love.

It sounds like your Retrouvaille weekend was a great experience for the two of you.

It was for me. For her, not so much. I thought at first she was doing well. Now, I'm less sure. The sexuality issue has been a real problem it seems, as she feels that I don't want to be with her physically. A kind of jealousy I guess.

If you think this is your core issue, try putting yourself into her shoes.

One of the things I learned at a Gottman Institute weekend was that until you can explain a problem as well as your spouse, you really don't understand it well enough to try to negotiate a solution.

So what is it that your wife means when she tells you that "she feels that you don't want to be with her physically?" She is drawing her observations from something. Is it your lack of errection at times, or is there something else she has also commented on that to her is another sign you don't want to be with her physically? Are there other comments.

Has she given you a dozen or so signs that to her you don't want to be with her physically. If so, maybe you need to focus on each one and then figure out how to convince her by "actions" not words that you do want to be with her physically. Once you have figured some of these out, and tried ways of being "physically with her" whether by spending quality time with her (and not multi-tasking by watching TV while you talk to her - one of my sins or staying home at least one weekend day and planning something to do together as a couple)or you figure out rituals to be physically close to her (hug her each day on leaving, each day when you get home, and each night just prior to going to sleep --- Review of Gottman Course--scroll till bottom and 5 magic hours/week section P.S. Gottman now says it is 5.5hrs/week)

Where there any suggested exercises, rituals or other things to draw the two of you physically closer from the Retrouvaille weekend from your wifes pespective? Have you asked her what things you could do that would make her feel she is physically closer to you? (May be if she says she is unsure ask if you could try the leaving, arriveing, going to sleep rituals?)

Again, good luck and consider yourself lucky that she is not refusing to have sex with you.