This affair is too recent and too painful for you to consider divorce. I would also tell your wife that you ahve THREE CHILDREN to think about.. that YOU are desipte your pain putting THEM FIRST UNLIKE what SHEs been donig for hte last what.. four months?
OK Gman. My advice is simple :
1. You will never know what you can do until you TRY. 2. The answer to whether you CAN reconcile, is at the end of the reconcilliation process. 3. How long do you try for? Well, I would say at LEAST six months fo work before you decide to take any alternative action such as separation or divorce.
I WILL POINT OUT... separation does NOT HELP, it just creates emotional distance. Unless there is physical violence or someone is in danger in their home, you keep together.
Your emotions aer a mess right now, so don't commit to anything.
You DO need to hold off on taking her back. you are right to hesitate.
Gman, I was in a very similar situation with teh OM finally exposing hiimself as an a$$ which pretty much but an end to the whole affair. His being an a$$ in my case was by my fighting the affair for as long as I did..he lost patience and gave himself away.
So, ya, I hear ya. You still feel like second choice I know, I know that feeling well. It sucks.
Your wife as well is in a mess, she feels betrayed as well... by a loser and a cheat I know, but the sting of betrayal hurts at any level.
So, you are both quite hurt right now, I don't expect either of you to take much action save for the STD tests... there's no way of knowing if this guy was active elsewhere.
GMan I suggest you AVOID drinking and your WIFE as well... you two are quite vulnerable right now and you both need a clear head... drinking is NOT going to help you.
Yes, your wife is playing victim... right now she's a deer in the headlights... she's lost OM and may have lost you. A couple months ago she was cake eating with two men wanting her and now she has woken up and realizes she may soon have no one...
She brought it on herself. I am sure you gave her ample warnings.
THis is way too early.. I am on month 5 now... NC with OM since last Oct for my home.. it does get easier.
The images fade. They get less frequent. Your wife needs to buy a copy... YES.. SHE will go out and BUY NOT JUST FRIENDS and AFTER THE AFFAIR...
she will read them cover to cover.
Tell your wife to start reading that and give you space to process...
If she wants to know what she has to do, those books are a good start.
You may want to look for a FT, but you are quite hurt right now so it may be overmuch... my advice is to get HER educated nd YOU keep busy... once she's educated and starts doing the work in thsoe books you can begin to trust her gradually...
I would give her 3 - 6 months using those books... and you can decide THEN if you are happy with her efforts and if you have confidence in your marriage again... again SHE does her own education and her OWN WORK.
Do NOT tell her what to do, tell her to READ and leaev you ALONE.
She is hurt, but she's just been betrayed by a cheating, wife-bandoning creep of an excuse for a human being, she'll get over it.
And you are right, just because she's been hurt does not mean she's learned a damn thing.
She needs to start reading... YOU having to explain all of the healing process is downright insulting... YOU have fought for your marriage, now its HER turn to fight for it... give her at least three months to absorb the material and to start making some changes.
TEll her to buy those and do what they tell her to do.... and to give you some space... she has work to do.. a LOT of it.
Let HER EFFORTS convince you... don't do ANYTHING until you see what she's learned with 3 - 6 months of education on infidelity.
