Is it too late to expose affair?

[Allen A]

You tell anyone who may apply any sorto f pressure on him...

Even OW can apply pressure if you for example went to HER WORKPLACE and humiliated her in public there... made a scene telling her to end her affair wtih your husband etc... it can be very effective.

Affairs, much like fire, survive on three ingredients :

1. Emotion
2. Sex
3. Secrets

If you take one of those away, the affair fizzles out.. it may take months after you take one of them away, but it will die.

Less than 1% of affair couples survives long term... most die out due to the same immaturity that gave them birth - children cannot make a long term relationship survive - this requires adult behaviour - and adults don't cheat

Right now he has this white picket fence fantasy in his head and OW does as well... the more reality you bring down on their head the quicker the affair ends.

Exposing to everyone forces that secret sexual fantasy into the cold light of day and it will start to turn bad... they always do.

Now, if all your friends and family are so immature as to cheer him on, then you have problems... Exposure is best offered to adults who will pressure him to stop acting like a 17 year old and stop hurting his family.

You want three points in the exposure

1. You want to save your marriage
2. Your H and OW are engaged in infidelity ( do not validate the infidelity by calling it a relationship - be sure to call a spade a spade )
3. This affair is hurting you and your family and you want them to stop it asap.

Encourage your friends to confront him if they feel so obligated to do so.

If you can get two dozen people all whispering about them behind their backs and giving them funny looks. If you can get everyone to tell them they are not welcome in their homes anymore. If you can get everyone to ostracize them, the affair will have pressure on it without you having to do any direct attack on your H... this is the objective.

Are you sure he's alone where he is now? Very often spouses starting an affair will find an excuse to go on a business trip, or camping, or they insist they need to clear their head and they separate, et... but all they are really doing is having an affair ... they aren't resolving anything and are certainly not working.

How far does OW live from you?

Can someone find out if she has gone away for a while?

[Allen A]

I ask this because there is very often during the exposure phase a LOT of "friends" whom you expose to who just wont' believe you.

They will turn their head away and tell you its none of their business, etc. Long time friends fo both you and H will feel conflicted and won't know what to do, especially simply with your say - so that an affair is taking place. They will insist on proof - "I just can't believe he would do that... are you sure?" Is what you often hear.

If you can get your daughter to drive up the cabin or something and surprise the two of them, then you can refer anyone who doubts you to refer to your daughter who caught the two of them together.

Exposure is a difficult task emotionally, as this is a test of yoru freind's loyalty.. at this point in time you will be finding out who your true friends are.

Collect any and all evidence of an affair you can. If you can organize everyone to confront him and interfere with his fantasy world that's the best approach.

Affairs are to Love Stories what Stalking is to Dating

They think they are in love, trust me, they are both addicted to a sleazy fantasy... affairs never pan out long term...

Infidelity hurts people, but they never show that part in the movies...

[newmama]

Excuse the t/j...Allen, gman under Newcomers needs some support for how/if to take his WAW back after she "wants" to come back...please help him!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

[newmama]

Gardengirl, your H's A is a long term affair, right? It really needs tough tough consequences especially since he hasn't said that he wants to divorce you.

About exposing to the daughter:

If H will be THAT livid that you exposed to his daughter, you expose to someone that will expose to her.

OK so I am a supporter of MWD's DBing principles but also follow Dr. Harley on marriagebuilders.com. Dr. Harley would recommend filing for legal separation with a loving NC letter that says you want to stay married but need to protect yourself but let's not jump too far ahead. He always says to expose first.

Allen should write his own book and charge for his services :-) so listen to him. I think he is trying to tell you before you do anything else, to expose, then wait a little.

Live your life (IT SUCKS AT FIRST) but start exposing and post here!!

[gardengirl72]

Thanks AA for your insight.

The OW lives about 40 miles north of me and 100 miles south of H. She doesn't work outside of home (doesn't need to, she's financially secure)....she babysits grand-daughter while her D and SIL work.

At this point in time, I think my H would welcome exposure to the affair....that way H would not have to hide any longer or deny he is seeing her. H has admitted to still talking to her.

I think exposure would work better with a W having an A than a man. I think a W would be more apt to be embarrassed by exposure than a man. I especially do not think it will work if H does not want to be married any longer.

I would be curious as to how this worked with other W's doing this to their H's.

Anyone....please??

~gg

[newmama]

GG, I exposed to family and friends and you are right, it didn't end the A. BUT at least they knew the real reason why WH was gone and my rep was saved, lol!

Do you think your H wants to divorce you?

[gardengirl72]

Thanks NM,

H has said he doesn't want a divorce....not because he wants to be married; but, because he feels it would be to my advantage not be divorced because of his health benefits. H said 'If at some point in time you meet someone and want to remarry, then you can get divorced.' H DOES NOT want to EVER remarry.

However, I am not so naive as to see this is TOTALLY to HIS advantage. We have quite a few assets and it would be greatly to his disadvantage to divide them up.

I just started doing 180's and going dark; we have not seen each other for about a month...thought I would give it a little more time before doing the legal stuff. I handle all the finances, so I am not worried about that.

I realize now, I should start exposing H to his friends...seems so hard to do...and I know it shouldn't be!

I have appointment with C on Thursday....she's been out of town since H moved north.

I also have a job lined up! Going to finish up paper work on it shortly. I am excited about it....can pretty much work when I want to. (I'm retired..wasn't sure I wanted to give that up, but this will allow me to choose to work what days I want! )

again, thanks all... ~gg

[Allen A]

In mb28's case here her uncle called her WH and blasted him... her H was furious with her... to this DAY he has yet to even ADMIT he's cheating, he refuses to acknowledge that any affair is taking place.

The exposure iis partially for your peace of mind, but it does wear an affair down. And if you intend on exposing it is VERY important to get your lanauge clear .. he's not "seeing her"... he's cheating on YOU

He's cheating, him moving up north does NOT make that any less repugnant a behaviour. He's still deluded into thinking abandoning a 22 year long marriage is morally acceptable.. It's not, its very very sad.

I am curious... how soon after this OW and her daughter showing up did your husband start to express dissatisfaction with his marriage?

The story is blantantly clear on OW at this point. She is divorced now and her H remarried, she doenst want to be alone, so what does she do? Prey's on the most convenient and accessible marriage available to her. It's downright Machiavellian. All of this nonsense becasue OW can't be bothered to join a singles group and date with some dignity.

I don't believe for a second she just suddenly wanted him to meet her daughter and there was no ulterior motive behind it.

I would have to get a complete timeline but the story is pretty obvious if i am reading it right.

Thanks for the support newmama... Its good to see others here are reading Harley and others.

I reccomend attacking affairs in this order :

1. Collect Intel
2. Exposure to Friends and Family and OWH (if there is one)
3. Confront WS with Intel - Full intervension if you can organize everyone

If the WH abandons his affair you go to step 5.

4. Protest the affair and protect yourself
5. Reconcile under the supervisoin of a qualified family therapist.

In this case, we have step 4 already done, unfortunately early... but spouses pull this stunt all the time. They start cheating and soon after, they move out. They get this crazy idea in their head that if they are not living in the same home, its morally acceptable to cheat and abaondon your spouse.

Affairs thrive in secret. Keeping his secret will just enable the affair and give it a longer lifespan. I had a lot of trouble exposing in my case, and most people I could have were too imature to help if I had bothered.

You need people who will BLAST HIM and tell him he should be ashamed of himself. He needs to be publically humiliated.

YOur husband is showing signs of shame :

1. He hasn't admitted the affair publically himself
2. You have suggested he would be furious if his daugther knew
3. He publically claims you two are just separated
4. He's moved away where no one can observe him or interfere.

This does NOT sound like the behaviour of a man who would be thrilled iwth you exposing.

Now, exposure does NOT mean "telling" and that's it.

Exposure means the following :

1. Reveal to friends and family that you want to save your marriage

2. Reveal to friends and family that your H is committing infidelity and has been doing so for some time and lying to everyone about it.

3. Reveal the OW used her daughter to start the affair - callous if this is true... but why else suddenly tell him about the D unleess she was prowling looking for a new H?

4. Reveal how emotionally devastated you are. Include your D in this if she's upset about this whole thing...

5. Ask everyone to speak on your behalf with H and OW insisting he END this HURTFUL affair and to stop hurting his family.

It is important that this is presented in an adultlike manner. It can't appear to be spreading gossip. It is a plea for help from your community... To save a marriage - a 22 year long marriage.

I would even write up the exposure script so you have it prepared, include twenty-two year marriage in there.. violated and attacked by OW

Impress upon everyone you want your marriage saved (assuming you do).

If you have a strong support group you should do well.

H can't hide up north forever. If he hears everyone knows about the affair and he's been publically humiliated and criticized I honestly don't think he will be happy about it.

I would write up a note about what OW's doing and print up 500 copies.. paste it all over her neighbourhood..

In the film Clean and Sober you see a very brief scene fo this as Michael Keaton is a drug addict and he accidentally kills a young woman by her overdosing. The young woman's father is mortified and Keaton hides from him. So the man prints up a humiliating note and pastes it all over Keaton's neighbourhood.. he wallpapered Keaton's hosue with it -- I think it said "murderer" and had his picture on it or something like that.. it was a very powerful scene.. it was one of his huge wake up scenes..

Good movie too if you want to study addiction first hand... and there was a lot in there that AS's could use to learn about infidelity too.. infidelity is an addiction just like gambling or alcoholism.

[Allen A]

Note re the affair.

You are right GG that men are less embarassed by the infidelity, but...

Men want to be protectors and providers... It's instinctive.. primal.

The major bullet that MEN get hit with isn't that they are having sex with another woman.. they don't find that embarassing...


Men get embarassed when they are exposed as NOT protecting their wife, as actually HURTING their wife instead. Men further get embarassed when tehy aer criticized for abaondoning their spouse emotinally, physically, and financially... THIS stuff humiliates a man.

Yes, there are deadbeats out there who do this and don't care, but most men find this embarassing, men pride themselves on sexual activity.. they BRAG about that in high school..

But, hurting a woman, leaving her financially destitute, and vulnerable.... THAT part they don't like .. it makes them look like scum rather than manly... and it feels horrible to be humiliated at that level.

You focus on him abaondining you, not on him having an affair with HER.. focus your exposure on him walking OUT on YOU, on him LEAVING YOU ALONE after you gave him twenty - two years of your life.. and now he's hiding like a coward in a cabin you two used to share together.

THAT stuff hits home.

[Allen A]

GG. Change the locks on the house.

I would start drafting a protection letter and circulate that not just to him but to friends so they know where you stand.

Include in teh letter that you feel alone, vulnerable, and violated. Include that you don't feel safe at home since he walked out on you. ANd this is why you are changing the locks. You don't want him to come home while he's cheating because seeing him in person will HURT TOO MUCH.

Tell EVERYONE this. It will humiliate him.