I suppose I didn't articulate myself well but I was also implying that perhaps you need to adjust your thinking and not necessarily SAY certain things to your H.
I understand there is a level of interdependence in your family but right now your family has changed. It might now always be this way but for now it is different. Things will change and that doesn't mean that you and your H will stop making your children the first priority.
Yes, you do need to detach. As we all have said it is not an overnight process and it is NOT easy but I think once you do begin to detach just a bit things won't seem so muddy to you. Right now you are still trying to act like a W to your H but you are doing so at a distance. Once you detach you will see in a kind way that his problems are just that... his to own and address if he so chooses.
My H started texting me last Thurs. and Friday. I am still STUNNED at the stuff he says to me. How hard it is and blah blah blah. TOUGH! It can't be *that* hard for him or else he would dump OW (who seems to be the source of his problems) and get to work on himself. He still blames and bashes me for his affair and yes, it did upset me for a bit so I get detachment is not easy.
Just like the money, visitation and day to day things will change so will the dependence issues. I think you were being honest with yourself (VERY GOOD!) when you said you are not ready for the children to be away so much. I bet it is very hard!
I guess I would just gently suggest you not try and take on any of your H's issues in the name of protecting the children. I am sure somebody else can advise you better than me in that area.
Lastly, despite all this stuff going on in your life really try and live in the moment. All the "stuff" will still be going on so if you can have a good moment here or there (dinner out, yoga) then really be present. Again, not easy when you have so much on your plate, I know!
