In mb28's case here her uncle called her WH and blasted him... her H was furious with her... to this DAY he has yet to even ADMIT he's cheating, he refuses to acknowledge that any affair is taking place.
The exposure iis partially for your peace of mind, but it does wear an affair down. And if you intend on exposing it is VERY important to get your lanauge clear .. he's not "seeing her"... he's cheating on YOU
He's cheating, him moving up north does NOT make that any less repugnant a behaviour. He's still deluded into thinking abandoning a 22 year long marriage is morally acceptable.. It's not, its very very sad.
I am curious... how soon after this OW and her daughter showing up did your husband start to express dissatisfaction with his marriage?
The story is blantantly clear on OW at this point. She is divorced now and her H remarried, she doenst want to be alone, so what does she do? Prey's on the most convenient and accessible marriage available to her. It's downright Machiavellian. All of this nonsense becasue OW can't be bothered to join a singles group and date with some dignity.
I don't believe for a second she just suddenly wanted him to meet her daughter and there was no ulterior motive behind it.
I would have to get a complete timeline but the story is pretty obvious if i am reading it right.
Thanks for the support newmama... Its good to see others here are reading Harley and others.
I reccomend attacking affairs in this order :
1. Collect Intel 2. Exposure to Friends and Family and OWH (if there is one) 3. Confront WS with Intel - Full intervension if you can organize everyone
If the WH abandons his affair you go to step 5.
4. Protest the affair and protect yourself 5. Reconcile under the supervisoin of a qualified family therapist.
In this case, we have step 4 already done, unfortunately early... but spouses pull this stunt all the time. They start cheating and soon after, they move out. They get this crazy idea in their head that if they are not living in the same home, its morally acceptable to cheat and abaondon your spouse.
Affairs thrive in secret. Keeping his secret will just enable the affair and give it a longer lifespan. I had a lot of trouble exposing in my case, and most people I could have were too imature to help if I had bothered.
You need people who will BLAST HIM and tell him he should be ashamed of himself. He needs to be publically humiliated.
YOur husband is showing signs of shame :
1. He hasn't admitted the affair publically himself 2. You have suggested he would be furious if his daugther knew 3. He publically claims you two are just separated 4. He's moved away where no one can observe him or interfere.
This does NOT sound like the behaviour of a man who would be thrilled iwth you exposing.
Now, exposure does NOT mean "telling" and that's it.
Exposure means the following :
1. Reveal to friends and family that you want to save your marriage
2. Reveal to friends and family that your H is committing infidelity and has been doing so for some time and lying to everyone about it.
3. Reveal the OW used her daughter to start the affair - callous if this is true... but why else suddenly tell him about the D unleess she was prowling looking for a new H?
4. Reveal how emotionally devastated you are. Include your D in this if she's upset about this whole thing...
5. Ask everyone to speak on your behalf with H and OW insisting he END this HURTFUL affair and to stop hurting his family.
It is important that this is presented in an adultlike manner. It can't appear to be spreading gossip. It is a plea for help from your community... To save a marriage - a 22 year long marriage.
I would even write up the exposure script so you have it prepared, include twenty-two year marriage in there.. violated and attacked by OW
Impress upon everyone you want your marriage saved (assuming you do).
If you have a strong support group you should do well.
H can't hide up north forever. If he hears everyone knows about the affair and he's been publically humiliated and criticized I honestly don't think he will be happy about it.
I would write up a note about what OW's doing and print up 500 copies.. paste it all over her neighbourhood..
In the film Clean and Sober you see a very brief scene fo this as Michael Keaton is a drug addict and he accidentally kills a young woman by her overdosing. The young woman's father is mortified and Keaton hides from him. So the man prints up a humiliating note and pastes it all over Keaton's neighbourhood.. he wallpapered Keaton's hosue with it -- I think it said "murderer" and had his picture on it or something like that.. it was a very powerful scene.. it was one of his huge wake up scenes..
Good movie too if you want to study addiction first hand... and there was a lot in there that AS's could use to learn about infidelity too.. infidelity is an addiction just like gambling or alcoholism.
