You sound like you are continuing to detach from your H's drama quite nicely and you are finally in a much better place. I am happy for you.
I am TRYING to detach. Unfortunately I think my recent success is coming from the fact that I'm accepting that the divorce will happen. After the exchanges this week about D13 and her pitching schedule and his reaction in front of the kids I am feeling more anger than I want to. I do not want to give up and be angry at the person I have loved for 30 years. The closer I look at him now, as I pull farther away, I know that THIS is not the man I married. THIS is not the man that I have loved for 30 years----and I don't know that he ever will be that person again. This realization brings sadness for all that is lost.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
It is natural to angry. It is part of the grieving/healing process. You just can't hold on to the anger. When you do get angry to remember that your H is in pain and try to find your compassion. It is so difficult to do when they blame you and everyone else for everything. I know you need to accept that the M is over to help you move on however, none of us knows what the future has in store. Just know that the more your try to understand what your H is going through and have empathy, the better it will be for rebuilding some kind of relationship with your H even if it is just co-parenting. My first H, who I divorced 15 year ago, and I can not stand each other. He (and his OW/now W) continues to blame me for everything...he even sent me an email a few weeks ago about Parental Alienation Syndrome because my D16 decided 6 months ago that she doesn't want to go back and forth between houses anymore and want to stay with me. He accused me of being an "obsessed alienator". He can never look at himself for anything. I just wonder if I had more understanding of what he was going through way back when, maybe we could have had built a better co-parenting relationship which would have helped our children.
I am doing really well with NC---and it does make things a lot easier and helps with detachment, however I know it is going to have to end. Yesterday was another day that started with me telling girls to get ready for pitching lessons and them both telling me that they didn't want to go. I did my usual, but the coach will be there, and it is paid for (didn't throw in how mad dad would be), and got them out the door. As they left I wondered why do I do this? Why do I always make them go---on my Sunday? they are gone from 11-2:30. It pretty much makes it so nothing else can happen........I originally agreed to this because H said this was the ONLY day the coach could do the lessons. I agreed to this because I was still wanting to make H happy at the time. The more days that I have to FORCE them to go, the more I think it is ridiculous to make them go.
When they came home, D13 was upset because dad told her she couldn't go out for track (practice starts tonight). She says he said she already has too much trouble keeping up with homework----AND she needs more time pitching. UGHHHHHHH...........I SO do not agree with this. I told her that going out for track was her decision. She has wanted to do this since she knew what track was. Wants to run the mile. I told her that it was my opinion that unless she shows us that she can't keep up with homework while going out for track, that she should go out for track if she wants......don't know what she decided. I'm sure she is weighing how pissed off dad will be.
I want to contact him and let him know what my opinion is, and why I think it important for her to go out for track (socialization, something other than SOFTBALL, and because it is something she REALLY wants to do). I know that if she decides to do track, and he learns that I gave my blessing, I will be to blame and receive another (more angry) e-mail about not supporting her "gift." Personally, I know she has A LOT of talent, and she has the skill......but is it a gift if we have to make her do it???? Is this really something that has to be done to raise the next Jenny Finch??? (not even saying she's on that level) Am I putting too much on D13 by letting her make this decision??? Should I be trying to deal with H in an effort to sway him (although I really don't think I could)??
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I suppose this will come down to how you want to co-parent. Will you discuss the over all raising of the kids and go from there? Will you be the primary care giver and end up making the majority of the decisions?
I have my kids a huge majority of the time. I pretty much make all the choices, though D9 did ask her dad if she could take violin lessons at school and he is renting that since I bought D11's flute.
He may expect more but hasn't given that himself. I suppose after some of the recent happenings involving ex and his girlfriend, the door with him will be only open a sliver.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
It would be nice to discuss over all raising of the kids, rather than be subjected to emails about what I'm doing wrong---or how I am not supporting him (as per the email above). D13 did decide to stay for track after school, so we'll see what the fall out is. It is extra hard for me to deny this of her when we have NEVER not let any of the kids do what they want to do. There has never been any discussion about what we should or shouldn't let them do----until last fall when D13 went out for volleyball and he deemed it to be a waste/interfering with her SB career---since VB and SB are competing sports in the fall for our high school schedule. I took the heat for "allowing" her to go out for VB, although I didn't know it was going to be an issue---and my only role was to not tell her not to go out for VB. My guess is this will be a turning point in how we parent.....I will hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I would really appreciate a conversation about it----but probably expecting too much.
They are with me the majority of the time---although a slim majority. My home (our home) is their permanent residence, and I guess since he left-----I feel like I should have the primary role, but that has not been determined legally...........ughhhhhh........
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
OK - so the more I've thought about it, the more I am convinced that I should have talked to H about this first. However, he did not tell me that D should not go out for track----he told her. Any suggestions on how to get me out of trouble???
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I want to contact him and let him know what my opinion is,
Don't do that!
Quote:
Should I be trying to deal with H in an effort to sway him (although I really don't think I could)??
NO!
Quote:
Am I putting too much on D13 by letting her make this decision???
I don't know why don't you ask her. I think it should be her decision. She can get input from her parents but it is for her to decide. And she should not be pitting one parent against the other.
[quote]And she should not be pitting one parent against the other.
She is in no way doing this----if anything I've made things difficult for her by telling her it was her decision after he told her she shouldn't do track..................D13 has a heart of gold, and I think still has no idea how bad things are between H and I----pretty much lives in her own world and is clueless about a lot of things. My fear is that by not discussing this with H before telling her it is her decision I will be bringing his wrath upon her.............
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
