Calling out the Piecers

[dday101798]

You guys in relationship counceling?

Not yet. We have both expressed a desire to certainly attain MC soon. We also both agree that there are certain evident family rifts created by the D that all 4 of us will have to attend.

Right now we are just trying to get S13 out of trouble which means having our evening schedules open for any last minute changes. Once things calm down there, we certainly will do couciling together, perhaps seperately and as a group.

[addie]

Counselling sounds like a really good idea. Try to make it a priority even if things seem to be settling down.

[WalkingMan]

From my experience, like anything you only get out what you put in. Both parties have to be committed. I think if anything, it's an indicator of commitment more than a deturmines success

[dday101798]

Thanks ya'll.

Obviously everyone is entitled to the views and opinions, expecially how they pertain to their own unique situtaion. I appreciate your views and respect. For us, (x)W and I, counseling will an entirely life altering scinerio. We don't need it for our past issues, and to "deal" with each other. Ironically, what it boils down to is to help now the both of us deal with the same issue that causes each and every one of the disputes we've had thus far: insecurity.

(x)W has always been insecure, always. If I was out of her sight for more than 5 minutes of the prescribed time I said I'd be back, she got insecure. If I didn't call enough times in a day, she got insecure. If I spoke to / received an e-mail from somebody she didn't know, she got insecure. And now, she carries a lot of that same insecurity in everything about me during and after the divorce she procreated and I was free to do as I pleased, after all, she was "head over heels and engaged to OM", no? But also, if we go more than a couple of days without intimacy, she gets HIGHLY insecure.

For me, obviously my insecurity stems from the affair. Yes, I accept her reasons for having it. And yes I forgive her for doing it. But dagnabit, I can't shake it's happened once, who's to say it won't again?

It's not as serious as an issue as it sounds on both sides, please don't react too heavily to it.

That said: progress on all fronts.

Mainly, I was allowed in (x)FIL's "garage-ma-hall" last night for the first time in what 3 years? He's been working on his car (a 25 year project) and finally getting it ready for it's big debut at fairly major auto show. That was pretty cool. Even when he was done for the night he came in and didn't snarl at me, actually hasn't in a few days now.

Secondly, a strange thought occured to me last night, but I'm not sure how this is going to pan out. (x)W ALWAYS refers to me in conversation and introduction as her husband, nothing else. I feel, and maybe it's part of that insecurity thing, maybe it's still the reformed WAS in me, that the burden to express the desire to re-marry be on her. After all, without saying so in displeasure of her previous actions (ie - the big D).

[Cyrena]

I believe that what you're describing as "insecurity" is referred to by Cs as "co-dependence," and as such there's a lot of information and assistance available to learn to deal with this relationship toxin.

Also, I wanted to bring up something you mentioned a little while back:

"She is the one who destroyed a family, she is the one whose own selfishness acted out on the exact accusations she made up in her own mind I was guilty of. She is the one who ahs this person who has no business in our lives being a constant problem. And finally, she is the one who is starting to act and do the exact things that led up to to the demise of our marriage. Thus, I am the one who has the right to feel insecure, certainly not her.

It was a reminder to her, and mainly me, I am in the driver's seat here. I am the prize. I am the one who should be reassured day in and day out. And I am the one who has every right to be nerved, scared, and upset. It is her position to show me otherwise."

This raises a few red flags to me: coming from an attitude of blame is NOT a good way to re-establish a relationship. While you do need to be reassured, etc, it's no good as long as you're unilaterally demanding this--you both need to be involved in finding new ways to interact. Also, you say that you are "in the driver's seat," yet a healthy marriage needs to be a partnership, not a driver plus a passenger.

We're all here because we didn't learn the relationship skills we needed as children, and you don't want to stress an already fragile "new" relationship by blundering about trying to discover new ways of relating. Why not bring in an expert who is skilled in repairing relationships as swiftly and painlessly as possible?

[dday101798]

I hear you Cyrena,

When typed that a few days ago I was fraught from the mornings events and admittedly venting and thought somebody might jump on me a bit for that, yes it was manly vent and rant.

Hindsight, some of my sentiments there are true, tying into my thoughts on insecurity today.

We are as forementioned communicating far, far better than ever and our relationship skills towards one another have dramatically imporved, even (and especially) in the instances where there is a dispute.

[dday101798]

Just passing by, no significant changes or updates.

But one thing that made me feel great last night and reminded me of all I have learned and saught to change in myself, for myself, and the woman whose chosen to be at my side once again and do the same:

Yesterday became a bit trying, another surprise visit from state social worker regarding S13 after days of him wearing myself and (x)W thin coupled with the root of all evil: financial troubles/concerns had us at a bit of tizzy with the situation(s) and each other.

I found myself withdrawling, shutting down, getting drepressed and feeling hopeless in my own woes. Thus, it was me, me , me and cutting (x)W out of the equation. The very thing that my hand lent in the distruction of our M.

At my lowest moment of the night I was outside having a cigarette pondering things, mainly calling my shrink first thing this morning as I knew the feelings I was experiencing and how I was handeling them would not be accepted well by (x)W.

But then something fantastic happened. (x)W came out. Didn't say a word, nor even looked at me for the matter. I could tell what she was thinking, "he hasn't changed", it was in her eyes and that's when it hit me, I HAVE changed, put my hand up to her cheek and stoked it gently, and I began to smirk, as she grew a warm smile from ear to ear, and I felt, knew, and said, "it's alright, we're going to be just fine".

She teared up for a half second in joy as we exchanged one of the most heartfelt "I love you"(s) in recent memory.

heh, old habit: BUSTED.

[dday101798]

Just wanted to throw out in my excitement how much more stable S11 is becoming. HE is still snipey with (x)W to an extent, but getting better about it. LAst night when I got in, I nearly had a heartattack when I looked in "his room" and found S11 reading a book He voluntarily read the book from cover to cover, only pausing for dinner. Initially my thoughts were that it was part of a bet, or a girl thing. But no, he did it on his own.

Then today I get an email from one of teachers in a class he was doing poorly in that he's pulled up his grade an entire letter in the last couple of weeks and is doing great.

I chalk up it up to a conversation I had with him as usual about his grades and cumulative impacts. But overall, he's maturing and seems to be more at ease that things are going to work out.

S13, is in his own way slowing down a bit with his attitude towards everyone. We ahd a visit from teh state social worker on Monday that echoes some of the points I and (x)W have been trying to get through to him, so maybe he's finally starting to see, hey something IS in fact wrong with how I'm acting and it's not just mom and dad being nazi's.

So, finally what 4 months in reconcilling and nearly 2 of them as a solid "family" again, they're starting to warm up. I have noticed that we're all not doing things together as we'd often like, mainly for financial reasons. But, we are every night sitting at the table having dinner as a family, something highly missed for many, many years.

[dday101798]

Ahhh,

Overall, nice enjoyable weekend.

Friday night went out to dinner with (x)W adn S11 after dropping off S13 at his school "fun night". In the morning (x)W had dropped the bomb that 'catalyst friend' wanted (x)W to go with her and "some friend" to "this guys" house to get "some friend" tattooed. That didn't sit well from the moment she dropped it in my lap and there fore the rest of the day and she could tell it. A) "some guys house"? Yeah, ok honey, I don't think so. B) "some guys" house with 'catalyst friend', I don't think so either, let's not start a weekend with me wondering when you'll be home. C) tattoos. Enough is enough. (x)W has some tastefuly done ones that a relatively out of sight out of mind. But, given the factors of A and B, I dould see her being gone all night long and coming home with yet another one.

So, after dinner, (x)W still thought she was going. I simply told her, I don't control you and I can't stop you, but know I won't be happy about it in the slightest bit. Especially after she pulled another one of her "I have to go out with 'catalyst friend' in the middle of the night a day earlier and had me pacing around waiting for her to get home. So, after I said my peace she opted to not go. That was respecful of her. And we had a nice queit evening together there after.

Saturday, spent the morning hosing all the winter muck off the siding of the house. Her dad hd stopped by earlier for some cash to go on his vacation. So that put a smile on his face and he's warming up slowly but surely.

Then, my cousin started up. Her b-day is St. Patrick's day and I've been trying to ask her when she wants to go out to dinner. We have a Irish Pub in town that she tried to go to a few years back but it was so packed they didn't have a good time. So I figured I'd take her. Plus I was supposed to work on her neighbors car for a bit, but apparently her son felt ambitious and did it. Just getting this wierd vibe off her. But, what else is new in that area? I wish she'd understand and take into account what she said her own self, the kids need structure, I'm sorry that it takes my time away from other folks, but they are in fact getting that structure now and are benefiting emensly from it.

So, (x)W and I decided at last moment to go out to karoake, our past time favorite at a bar by our first home. Had a great time. Nobody was there and it ended up being hosted by the DJ who used to do it all the time when it was our weekly routine. He was shocked to see us and how we still looked "star-struck" with each other even after all this time. Needless to say he nearly choked when he came to learn all that has transpired.

Heh, it put a whole new twist of emotion on things when we did the Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow duet of "Picture". lol

Sunday, was just a recovery day.

Tweaking back on the matter of Friday night into Saturday, the only issue with (x)W all weekend was Satruday morning. Again, it seems her body and emotional stability tells her if we are not intimate for "x" amount of days, I "must not have any interest in her, don't find her attractive", yadda-yadda yadda. Ironically earlier in the morning before she woke up, I was laying next to her and just eyeing her over and had thougth to myself how lucky I am to have her back. But for a brief moment and to hence the subject line title, for no reason at all, the emotionaless blank look that was on her face as the the gavel dropped on the D went through my head. I don't know why. Maybe a reminder to myself that as I was thinking to myself how wonderful she is and how wonderful it is to be back together, she has been and oculd very well be that person again someday?

Anyway, later on the day, after S11 went out for a good chunk of time and S13 took a cat nap, her needs were met, in abundance.

[dday101798]

Just quandering over my thoughts of the past few days after the sharings here with others that envoked those feelings. All of which do nothing more than strengthen my devotion and hopes, no drive, that my continued R with (x)W will continue to grow stronger and more poerful than it had ever been.

I clinged to (x)W so hard last night, waking her several times, but I know she does not mind one bit.

Ironically, the other night, Pulp Fiction, one of my favorite movies of all times was on, and it's all summed up in the scene between Uma Thurman and Travolta sitting in the diner and a silence comes over them, and Thurman says, "you know you've found someone special when two people can just shut the hell up and be comfortable in each other's company". Something like that anyway.

This morning when I dropped her off at work, she seemed distanced, not sure why. As she started to walk away with her coat held closed, I stopped her, turned her around, opened her coat and wrapped around her, just held her for at least 5 minutes. Distance, GONE.