And, she is basically an amateur porn actress at this point; sending her live sex show out over the net. She could be recorded by her lovely cybersex partner and who knows who else will see it?
Sorry it's taken me so long to update you all on my sitch, but it's been a rough couple of weeks. I didn't want to leave you hangin', so here goes...
So there I was reading and re-reading all of your thoughtful posts two weeks ago on the 28th, when most of you responded to my post, and I decided to check in on my W's gmail account. I didn't think I'd be able to tune in to one of her chats, but there it was staring me in the face. W and OM had been making small talk and then OM said how he'd like to see my W in her black tank top. She wrote "hold on" and I heard her office chair move across the floor and then heard her dresser drawer open. I was in the basement and her office is pretty much right above me. So she was literally less than ten feet from me when this BS was starting up.
Needless to say, my blood is starting to boil at this point. I wanted to wait until they started in on whatever evil deeds they were about to do, but I couldn't. And, I know you guys said to be calm about the whole thing, and that was my intention, but this crap going on upstairs wasn't conducive to that. So, I ran upstairs and threw open her door and yelled "I want you to get the f_ck out of my house now." I told her I know everything that's been going on and she needs to leave. I pushed my way past her (not violently, but she was trying to stop me) and looked into her webcam and although the OM was not on-screen, I hope he had his headphones on. I yelled something like "you're going down you F'ing SOB.
My W started crying and saying "no, no you can't do this, you can't do this." I told her again to get the hell out of my house and walked away. She started to follow me down to the basement, pleading for me to not do this. I walked to my computer, which still had their chat window open, and though she tried to stop me, I typed "you're going down" to the OM.
Yes, unfortunately my W was more concerned that I was going to tell the OM's wife, than with her own family's well-being. It was unbelievable. She said it was her fault and that I shouldn't hurt his family. I said that she and he had both had a hand in destroying my family and they both needed to pay. I was trying to somewhat heed robx's advice and keep cool but she wouldn't leave me alone. So I put my jacket on and started to go outside just so I could calm down. On my way out she begged me to please not tell his wife. She said "I'll do anything". I responded, "will you call off the divorce?" She said "yes". I just laughed and walked away. BTW, she wouldn't leave the house....she knew I couldn't legally make her.
About twenty minutes later I came back in the house with a much cooler head and started to tell her everything that I had found out about what had been going on. I told her about the pictures I had of both of them that they had sent each other. I told her that I had printed out copies of many of their chats and emails. She asked if what I had been doing was legal because it was a work computer. (I didn't tell her how I had been doing it, just that a friend of mine is a private detective.) I said her boss would love to know how she had been using her computer, especially during work hours.
Things went back and forth for a while as I got out everything that I had been holding in for a week. She predictably tried to turn it around and make me look like the bad guy, saying how lonely she was, etc., etc. She even went so far as to say how she didn't like me with short hair. (I used to have long hair.) I knew this was the case, but here she was stating it as one of her reasons for me making her have an affair. How unbelievably f'ed up.
I said she had a problem and she shouldn't be doing this crap in our house. I think it finally hit her how all this might affect our divorce and she started to get really scared that I was going to go for full custody. I told her I was certainly thinking about it.
I eventually decided to just end the conversation and go to bed. After I did she came in and said "I'm really sorry about this (just 'cause you got caught was what I was thinking), please don't take my children away." I just turned away and said, "you better make them your number one priority." She left.
The next day she was very humble and was crying and stuff. She went to work at her boss's house (she usually works at home). She called me and told me her boss was helping her to get a counselor. I noticed that she had closed down her gmail account as well as had deactivated her Facebook account. I had already had an appointment to see my counselor/mentor so I asked my W if she wanted to go. She said yes.
So later that afternoon we went to my counselor. He is a great guy and agreed to see us both. It was awkward and she cried the whole hour and a half. She was very grateful for me letting her come to the session and we went home.
The next day she did a total 180. I had checked her other email account (she didn't know I knew about that one) and she had received an email from the second guy she had cybersex with. (yes, he's married too) He was just saying hi...Her response - "My husband hacked my computer and I have to think of myself and my children. I'll email you when all this blows over." There's some respect for ya.
I confronted her about this and yep, she was a total 180 from the day before when she was humble and ashamed. Now she said "well it's true, you did hack my computer." I said, but here you are disrespecting me for some married POS and you're going to contact him soon. She told me she only had cybersex with him one time. I asked her why she did it even though her hundreds of emails to the main affair guy made it seem like she was totally in love with him? She told me "I was horny". OK, now she was being honest. It disgusted me. She disgusts me.
There's more but I've already ranted enough. She has promised me that she won't do any of this crap while she's still in the house. I don't really believe her. She started up her Facebook account again. She made a point of telling me this. Said it's just so she can talk with her girlfriends.
I'm not sure what to do. I am embarrassed by her and though she thinks we should go to counseling, just so we can get rid of MY anger, I don't really want to go.
I know divorce busters would say that I should still try to save the marriage for my kid's sakes, but it's really hard to even think that way anymore. I was trying to save the marriage for months while she was doing this hellish stuff in the next room. My counselor says she has a sort of addiction and she needs help, now more than ever. I can't help but think that this is just the real her coming out...I just never saw it before. I don't think she feels what she did was wrong, at least on a moral level.
Anyway, I'd love to hear some more sage advice from you folks here. Right now I feel like I just want to get this divorce over...but I love my kids more than anything in the world. If the marriage can be saved (she would pretty much have to find God) I think it would be the best thing, but...
Thanks,
MICrazy
P.S. I still haven't told the OM's wife about the affair. My lawyer was actually the one who talked me out of it, at least so far. She knows I'm a nice guy, who loves kids and I would probably feel bad if I hurt the OM's kids by telling his wife. My attorney, as well as my counselor, say that this stuff usually comes out anyway so why be responsible for it? I still feel the OM's wife deserves to know what her husband is doing while she's at work or in bed at night. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated too.
Me: 45 W: 43 M: 10 T: 15 S7 S3
My Sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...823#Post1942823
So what does the C say is the answer to your W's recovery? Yes, she is addicted! BTW, it wasn't b/c she was horny that she was having websex with these men, it was b/c of the thrill & sexual excitement that came from her encounter with them. If she was just horny, she would have turned to you, but she wanted the "thrill".
It's kind of like when a man becomes famous and has all these females grabbing at him and telling him how wonderful he is and they want to sleep with him, etc. It is a lot of temptation but the real problem is when he starts to believe what his fans are saying.
Your W is not remoseful yet, even though all the tears. She is just sorry for getting caught and afraid you have grounds for custody of kids.
At this point, she might think she can hold off until she has you convinced she is through with the websex, but she doesn't even have the desire to want to stop. Until she wants to stop and be the wife& mother she should be, there will be no healing started.......and no lasting changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I disagree with you L and C. I think the OM's wife should know. Your wife does not sound that remorseful and does not seem to care about the full impact of what she is doing. What she is doing does not just impact her family alone. You need to set some serious boundaries with serious consequences. If you are going to contact these om, then you need to leave now. If you are going to have cybersex with om then I will press for full custody. Plain and simple with her. Shock
So what does the C say is the answer to your W's recovery? Yes, she is addicted! BTW, it wasn't b/c she was horny that she was having websex with these men, it was b/c of the thrill & sexual excitement that came from her encounter with them. If she was just horny, she would have turned to you, but she wanted the "thrill".
It's kind of like when a man becomes famous and has all these females grabbing at him and telling him how wonderful he is and they want to sleep with him, etc. It is a lot of temptation but the real problem is when he starts to believe what his fans are saying.
Your W is not remoseful yet, even though all the tears. She is just sorry for getting caught and afraid you have grounds for custody of kids.
At this point, she might think she can hold off until she has you convinced she is through with the websex, but she doesn't even have the desire to want to stop. Until she wants to stop and be the wife& mother she should be, there will be no healing started.......and no lasting changes.
Sandi2,
That's a great post. Once again, your insight is spot on.
My counselor feels that she has a lot of issues going on and actually needs empathy from me. He believes that deep down she is a good-willed person and needs help. I'm not sure I agree with him. I'm much more pessimistic than he. She was going to get help and then decided she didn't need it. Of course.
She is definitely not showing any remorse whatsoever. In fact, I would bet she loves the fact that she was someone's mistress. It's romantic to her.
I think she knows that I don't have grounds for getting full custody. Believe me, I asked my attorney.
And yeah, she doesn't want to stop doing what she was doing. I'm not really sure why she wants joint custody...the worst thing I could do to her would be to give her full custody. She admitted to me that she's looking forward to those three or four days away from the kids every week. Nice, huh?
Thanks again,
MICrazy
Me: 45 W: 43 M: 10 T: 15 S7 S3
My Sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...823#Post1942823
